Starting the summer and learning some too!

The summer started with a bang...my little sister got married. I haven't had a chance to blog about all that I have experienced so far, but I want to do a little bit about what God is teaching me first. I started a new little devotional on The ONE Year Worship the King devotional. Mainly I do need something to go through in order to keep me focusing on what is really important. I miss BSF and the good discussions we had each week. It will be nice to be able to get back to that in the fall. For now though...the focus....worship.

God has been teaching me a lot about worship this past year. I think that I used to categorize worship into this place where it is just singing...and that is all. But as I have pondered the idea of worship and what it truly means I realize that it is a lifestyle. My lifestyle should be worship to God. I don't think that is always the way I see it, but what I do and who I am should always be worship to God. He is righteous and Holy and it is my job to focus on that and love Him the way He deserves, with my whole being.

Today I read through Isaiah 51:1-8. The idea is that I should not fear the reproach of man. Being in the states I think I am more apt to fear the reproach of man than I do in BKK. I mean being here it is super easy to get caught up in the things that do not make me righteous. The things that bring me down and that I allow to take place of my Savior. How easy is it for me to sleep in late and then miss my time with God. Or just get so busy doing nothing that I do not pick up my Bible and really spend time with Him.

God is saying to me...stop...focus and worship.

How often do I stop...focus and worship? Not very often. I am so distracted by this trip or that. Or making sure that I have enough money to pay bills or fly to this place or that place. I just get so caught up that I forget to just stop...focus and worship.

So.....this summer...maybe I should just be stopping all the busy lifestyle and spend time just resting in Him...after all isn't that what summer is for?

Being back in the states....

As I sit here getting ready to go on my 10 hour road trip to Michigan, thoughts come through my mind about how quickly I have gotten used to living in the states again. It seems to me that life just goes back to its easy self. I mean I just jump in my car and pretty much am able to go just about anywhere I want, whenever I want to go. How can I stop from getting used to this life? Do I even want to stop it? I don't know that I do...yet I feel that there may come a time when I want to live in the states again....as I look at my friends and family who have the house, the marriage, the kids...I think that would be nice. But then I see other family and friends that have broken marriages, kids who are lost in the world, or not around at all to experience life and I think....well I wouldn't want to trade places with them. I love serving God, living for Him and yes does it cause me to miss family and friends sometimes? Absolutely, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I wouldn't give it up...because my life it isn't my own and maybe I don't always choose the right things, but I am choosing the right Savior!

Packing up my classroom!

Today as I packed up my classroom there was this overwhelming sense of what that truly meant. When God led me to teach Science...it was this task that I really was excited about until I stepped into the middle school classroom. Since beginning this journey nearly 2 years ago, I think the Lord has managed to allow me to let go of every single thought that I had about what it meant to be a teacher and even more what it means to be a Follower of Christ. For I have been put into a situation of being stretched beyond what I ever thought was possible. The test that you go through when you are working with middle school students on a daily basis is just this heart-wrenching, but amazing experience. I pray and hope by God's grace that seeds were planted this year. I may never know what work God did this year and continues to do in these lives, but I know that He is touching lives, for what better way to know then when you see the enemy trying to get a hold.

I am not sure that I did such a great job this year, but as I look at the empty classroom filled with books that need to be moved to the next teacher, I just think you know it isn't about me anyways. Whatever I did or didn't do it is about God and His glory. I know there were times that I let my flesh take over, that I got upset by a parent email, or a student's lack of responsibility, but that is part of it isn't it? Part of growing and learning and living His life.

I came to Thailand 2 years ago, thinking that when the 2 years was up I would be moving on. Here I am moving on, but not in the way that I thought. I am moving to a new grade, a new classroom a new apartment, but still in the same place. Just like the empty hallways that will be filled once again in the fall with different students. My life is filled each and everyday with people. I can't help but wonder how God is going to use this summer and next year to stretch me and grow me. I am a little sad to say good-bye to this hallway and these students for they have taught me so much about myself, about who God has called me to be and where I need to grow. I can't say enough how perfect it is when you are in the middle of God's will. Never have I been at such peace. Sure I wonder where He will take me next and what I will encounter but you know what? I am content with what He has me doing for now! I am excited to be teaching next year and learning so much about fourth graders.

I guess the real point of this blog is to say that I am not the same person I was when I came to Thailand two years ago. I feel like I had no idea what a real relationship with God was all about, or at least I was just beginning to understand. In these past two years I have had more ups and downs than I really ever care to have again, but you know what it has been totally worth it! I have learned that God's purposes and ways are higher and bigger than mine and all I need to do is trust Him!


So...good-bye to Middle School.....I enjoyed this time, it taught me A LOT and showed me how God gives grace, because really if I didn't have that I wouldn't have made it!

My classroom....getting all ready to go!


Hydroponics...
I will miss you MS 407.....lots of fun was had here!

A New Year

As I was chatting with a friend the other day I was thinking about my life and how much of it revolves around school years. Because my occupation as a teacher requires me to take a summer holiday for months at a time and then start over with a new set of students, well I see my life in school years. When I ponder over the past 11 years, I am simply amazed by what has happened and changed. I realized also just the other day that I have moved every year for the past 11 years. Sometimes jobs and homes, but at least just homes for the past 11 years. No wonder I do not feel planted anywhere. At first after high school graduation my moves just consisted of dorm rooms and going to home/Rawhide for the summers. Then after college well my first move was back home then to Egypt and I have pretty much continued moving ever since. From a house in Oside back to the ranch, then to an apartment, then to the CB in Bangkok, then to a house, then another apartment and tomorrow marks yet another move.

Whew! That sure is a lot of moving. No wonder I feel like there is nothing permanent in my life. I mean this is the first "grown-up" job that I have had that has lasted for longer than a year, and more than that I am going to be starting my third year here. Maybe it is time to settle down, but maybe it is not. Whatever it is though I want to be able to set some goals for this coming up school year.

I think the Lord has taught me a lot about trust this year. Trusting when I don't quite understand what the future holds. Trusting when people let me down. Trusting when I am the center of idle gossip and the target of jokes or insincere words by others. Trusting when I feel pulled in a direction that I am just not ready to go to quite yet. Trusting when it hurts so much to trust. Trusting when He is calling me to just let go. Trusting that God is good and He has good purposes for my life. Trusting that He has forgiven me and that He lifts me up! You see trust, well it is tough for me, who has had tons of people in and out of my life. Also, when I feel like in many instances my lack of trust has pushed people away. I don't want to be that person that doesn't let people in. I know that my heart has been hardened in some areas because I have mistrusted or trusted to much and then once I am hurt that place just gets hard as I try not to get hurt again. But I have learned this year, that people aren't perfect, but God is.

I don't have to trust people in my own flesh and weakness. I have to trust people in Jesus' love and righteousness. For I know that I am always going to get hurt by others, I will probably also do my share of hurting. But what I do know is that God is the ultimate healer and so I can trust because He is the one I am trusting. I put my faith and hope in Jesus and then everything else falls into place.

So as this new year approaches I want to really spend this summer at the cross, looking at what Jesus did and how I can change in order to be more like Him. I want next year to start out with some goals and as summer progresses I hope that I can blog more about what He is teaching me and what He is bringing me through! What a Blessing to know the Only One we can completely place all our trust in!

Empty and Full at the same time...

As I sit here pondering what this destruction of life in Thailand as I know it means, I think that what I can't know, or understand is the depth of what has happened. For although yes many buildings have been destroyed and things have been taken, the reality of it is that people did this. People, made in the image of a perfect and loving creator have destroyed things, because their desires and their lives have allowed them to not think past themselves. Now as I look through the aftermath of pictures and check on facebook and sift through what is real or not, I have to wonder where is Thailand going? For I want, hope and pray that this creates in God's people here in this country a need, a desire and more than that a movement towards Him. A movement to bow before Him and proclaim Him as Lord of all. My heart sinks at the utter despair that I see as I walk out on the streets. I have not left our little "safe haven" area but the Thai people that I have run into I can just see it in their looks in their eyes and more than that in the way that there seems to just be this underlying silence.

There are no words to describe the pain that the past two months has brought. There are no words to describe the hurt and fear that has been trapped inside of every single person, child and leader in this country. For it is not just about the buildings, or the fires but it is about the people. The utter hatred that they feel to be able to sit for weeks or the utter hatred for those that have been standing on top of buildings and shooting those below. Which side is right? Probably no side is completely right...for perfection is not something that we can obtain on Earth.

As I ponder and pray I reminded that this is what imperfect people with our imperfect desires bring to the table everyday. We choose ourselves over those around us. We give in to our thoughts, wants and needs instead of looking across at who is standing before us and the hurt that is deep inside of them. I am thankful for this time, I am thankful for what God is doing, even if I am unsure of the results.

Even now I find myself asking...is it really over? The peace that seems to have taken hold of the streets is this really it? Can we really relax now?

Then I remember...I have to relax and rest because God is the one in control. He is the one that I rely on, my strength when I am weak. He is perfection, love and the Victory. What I need to do, is hope in Him and pray. Pray for revival....pray for these people and love them.

Please come back!

There is too much pain and suffering...

Just got an email that a 8 month old baby only has weeks to live....

Saw another friend's post and her 7 month old baby died last week sometime....

My friend just found out she has cancer....

People are shooting each other in the streets....

More people are setting off bombs and barracades and causing chaos...

Little children are being asked to do things that they should never have to do or see...

Women don't know their worth and so they give up and sell their bodies for money and food...

People are on a daily basis getting divorced...

Lies are being spread and rumors are causing people to hate God and the church...

Forgiveness is not a word that anyone knows how to say...

What is unity anyway???



Please come back Jesus....we need you....we need YOUR VICTORY! This world is not what it was created to be.....sin has come in and stolen the perfection of God's Creation...

Pray for His Coming....Pray for His Return...Pray for Repentance....Pray for the Prince of Peace!

BREAKTHROUGH>>>

I had a breakthrough this week, or actually God had a breakthrough in my life. I don't even know how I got caught in this pattern that I was in of not even realizing that the things I had thought I had given up were the things that I was holding on to so much. He kept saying...let go and I kept saying...but wait. Well it was time...as I laid in my bed on Friday...totally sick and weak and powerless to do anything else. I read....why did it take me getting super sick to just really listen to what He was trying to lead me to? Why is it that I had to just be at the weakest state that I have been in for awhile to really hear and rest?

That is human nature....we long to go, go go...until alas we can't go any further. I was driving towards this goal that I thought was mine, I thought that it was what God wanted, but in reality it was what I wanted. So...as that wall came down as I turned around I heard something and got information that I thought would make me crumble, but instead made me rejoice. For I realized that what I had been holding on to...wasn't really what I wanted after all. For what I want is the Lord's will and that just isn't it.

I know I am being vague and I feel that I have to be for this blog because the details don't need to be shared with the world, instead what needs to be shared is what God has done. He has broken through the unrest I was feeling, through the power that had a hold on me that I didn't even know had a hold. He broke through my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of rejection and my feelings of being unwanted and not needed. He has tore down every single doubt and fear that I have had about those around me, about how they feel about me and how I feel about them. He has shown me that His will for my life...well it really is simple. To just be focused on Him. To really get to know Him and to live for Him. My life should be a sacrifice for His will, for what He wants. Up until this point my words have been a sacrifice, but my actions they have been more of what I want and what my needs are and how those needs can be met.

This week I read about the crucifixtion. I read about Christ sacrificing His life and how he suffered. But he suffered not just for our sin...but for our pain...for our path to perfection...for every hurt, ever affliction...every thought and feeling I have that goes against God's will. He died for those.....and this it struck me to the core. He died for my feelings of rejection, he suffered for my pain and He knows what it feels like to realize that you aren't "good enough."

This.......it is new me. I am at peace with who I am in Christ. I am imperfect....sinful......unrighteous......but by God's redeeming love I am saved. There is nothing special about me except that I believe in Jesus and He has given me eternal life. My life is for His glory, not for anything that I can do or boast about, but for Him. I can't even describe the joy that I know and feel right now because of what God has done in my life. There is nothing that can separate me from His love. You might say that it has taken me 20 something years to be fully released from the lies and selfish desires that have so long entangled me. I know that I was saved when I was 6, but I know that I am on a daily basis being perfected in that saving knowledge and love.

I want to continue in this process...longing to know more about Him and what He has for my life and what He wants to do in me. As I journey...want to journey alongside me.....for in Christ we are united and His mission is clear....ONE THING ONLY------To KNOW HIM AND MAKE HIM KNOWN!

It's the unknown...

I keep thinking that I am going to blog a little and then I never sit down to actually write. I end up being stuck on facebook for like 12 hours. Life was easier when I was fasting from facebook, but I enjoy being connected with people once again.

The time has come for more change in my life. I really do like change, and so it is not a freaking out stage that I am in, more of just an unsure stage. It would be enough if I was just changing apartments....but I am not. I am changing the grade that I teach, apartments, getting a new roommate and friends are moving away all in a month. Oh and my little sister is getting married. Hmmm.....did I also mention that the country I am living in is currently in the middle of political unrest, as in today they start shooting things and in the past couple of weeks bombs have gone off and the BTS has closed a few times.

So....change.....good and bad.

Sometimes I feel that when I blog I write too much and then other times, maybe I don't write enough. I guess that is the point of blogging though, right. To say things that you wouldn't normally say, but also to not say things that you probably would say without realizing that you shouldn't.

So....the first thing....saying good-bye to friends. I have felt myself really pulling away this week. I can make a million excuses why I am doing it, but the truth is that I don't like pain. You see most of the time I am the one to leave, not to stay. In fact I think that there has only probably been once or twice when I have stayed in a place and someone else has left. And usually I am not far behind to leave. I know that I am doing it, and yet I can't seem to stop it, how do you say good-bye well? Even, yes I do know that we are going to see each other again, I have no doubt, but you know things change. Life is different. They have been the people that I have cried with and laughed with and got lost with. They were the ones that were here to experience "culture shock" together. And now...we must say g00d-bye. That is hard, for no matter how much facebook connects you...it can't take the place of real conversations and time spent actually together!

Moving to fourth grade, is going to be quite a jump. I have sort of gotten used to my 6th graders and their various temperaments and quirks. I have grown to love middle schoolers through this experience, and you know what? That is something that I never thought I would say. I understand now, not totally...but I get the reason for jr. high and for people that have a passion for this age group. I am going to look forward to seeing who they become and how they impact this world! Meanwhile I am going to get ready for elementary school again....excited and nervous!

Apartments....really excited about this change and ready to tackle communication and get going with some genuine community!

So...change, yeah I kind of seek it out, but it doesn't come without a little hesitation and a lot of prayer. As I think upon these changes, the biggest one will be at the end of this month. When I spend the last week of my sister's single life with her. WoW! My little sister is getting married. I am so excited for her and maybe even a little jealous. She will make a great wife and I look forward to a niece or nephew sometime in the next couple of years! Not trying to rush things though. I am going to enjoy the time with family..although that also will change. Now it will be shared time for us and joining to families together in a way. What a way to start the summer!

Now if this political unrest would just get under control!


Change...I love it! But it is tough sometimes.

Won't Grow Weary...

Today I was reading through my student's journals. They are reading through Romans right now. I got kind of discouraged as I read some of them and the fact that so many are from non-Christian homes where they aren't allowed to believe in Jesus. It struck me right in the heart, and just made me question, Lord what am I doing? How am I going to get through to them? Then I read some more and was overwhelmed with the fact that you know what? God, He is the One that is touching their lives, not me. They may hate to do journaling, but you know what? They are reading the Word and that is what is important. Sometimes I get so caught up in the "me" part of this equation that I forget that it is not about me. It is about Him. I heard a song today....actually listened to it and it reminded me of something- you know what? God is the defender of the weak, He reaches those in need, and He doesn't grow weary. He loves to love people, to run after them and to show them the truth of who He is. It is not all about me, it is about Him. All I have to do is love, and be His. So as I think about this here are the words that come to mind:


You are His creation,
set apart for greater purposes than you could ever imagine.

You are His beautiful child,
He loves you and wants you to know Him more.

He knows your pain and hurt,
He knows the saddness that you can't handle anymore.

He desires for you to know Him,
to set aside the doubt and fear.

The fear it seems so bottled up,
like an explosion just waiting to occur.

Don't let it explode, just let it release,
Every step you take to release, is a step closer to the truth.

He knows the pain of what you are facing,
Being pulled in so many directions, with truth nowhere near

He knows you hear one thing and then another,
never really understanding what truth is and how to acknowledge what you feel.

He loves you and created you,
Let go of the hold that is keeping you captive

Let go of the doubts that are holding you back,
leave it behind and don't turn around.

For His light will shine to guide you along,
He is your creator, your sustainer and your ever-present guide.

Your friends....and who you are...

You know I think I am one of those very fortunate people who went to a great college and met some truly awesome people. We have been through the tough times....broken relationships, changing jobs, losing loved ones, being out in the "real world," knowing what it is like to be single, figuring out who is "the one" and who isn't. I am thankful for those people, but you know what I have come to realize I am so much more thankful for the way that the Lord has weaved and orchestrated them into my life. My friends they know me, they know what I like and don't like. They know when I need space and they know to ask the tough questions. More importantly though we have a common bond....why? Because we love kids and have a heart for being overseas.

I have come to realize that most of the time the connections that I make with people are with people that are either from other countries or have been to or lived in another country. It is not because I am an overseas snob or anything, but it is simply because there is this bond. There is just something about living or being overseas that changes you. In most ways for the better. I know that it is not for everyone, but you know we surround ourselves with people that we are most like and that have common interests. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so thankful that the Lord made me to love kids and more than that to love African kids.

Please do not misunderstand, because I am in no way putting down any kids from anywhere else...I love them all, but my heart yeah it pretty much goes out to African kids. Two of my friends from college they have been able to go to Africa and work in orphanages and experience in person what it means to just love those kids. This week I realized that is what I am beginning to feel led to do. I think it has always been there, but God had to do some work in me first. Now do I really think it is going to be any time soon? No, actually I think that at least one or two more years are going to go by before I am in Africa...but I think I am going!

Why do we sometimes just feel this pull towards a place and we have no idea why? I think the Lord gives us His desires...I hadn't wanted to give in to those desires before because honestly giving in to the love for Africa that I have would mean possibly that I had been wrong about something and you know I don't really like to admit when I am wrong, even though I should admit it!

Anyways...what I am trying to say is that the Lord this week has reminded me that I don't need all the fancy things, or to be the most well known...all I need to do is follow Him and what He is telling me and leading me to do. I am pretty sure this is the beginning of preparation....not sure when or what...but getting myself ready by just resting in Him.

My Dreams...

Today I was talking to someone...someone who doesn't know me..and someone that I may never see again. But she was in a position to talk to me about adjustments to Thailand life and just how things are going, but also just to talk in general. She asked me a question...."if money was no obstacle, what would you do?, where would you be?" I paused for about a second and gave her my answer.

The answer suprised even myself. I have not yet made a decision to share that dream, but I realized that it is what I want and long to do. That the one thing that is holding me back, is money. Should that really be what holds us back? If I know for sure that this desire is not going to leave, then shouldn't I be doing everything to follow it. Even if it means sacrifice...because I think that if I pursue this dream, then there is going to be sacrifice. There will be sacrifice of traveling, of vacation, maybe even sacrifice of some adventure. But the dream....I think with God's help and leadership...well it will happen.

I am glad I had this talk today, and glad even more that I realize where it is that my heart truly wants to be. For I know that behind this motive, there is nothing but love. So...am I ready? Probably not, but God is ready and He will use me in His way and in His time!

Let the dreams come....

A Spring Break to Remember...

I want to make sure and remember this spring break for sure. First of all it was the first visitor that I have had while living overseas..so that in itself is exciting. It also though was a week of adventure, rest, sunburns and a cold. I mean how can life get more exciting than that? Regardless I want to write down this fun-filled adventure as I don't want to forget those little details that make a vacation, so fun to remember.

P arrived on a Thursday evening....we had our dinner at Yellow, Yellow...the best little Thai street restaurant this side of the Makong! OKay...so I don't really know what I should say this side of...because Mississippi just doesn't sound right.

Friday was Songkran day at my school...everyone dressed in Traditional Thai clothes. It was great, we didn't have Thai day last year, so this year it was interesting to see the different traditions. The idea is the elders are shown respect to by pouring water on their hands. I need to look up more for the background information, but I do think that the respect that is shown to people that are older than you is to be greatly admired in this country. Too many times as an American I tend to think that I am the smartest and wisest and don't like to listen to those with more years simply because I have a higher education. When the truth is that I should be more willing to listen to those around me especially those that have lived more of life and that the Lord has granted with greater wisdom and knowledge.

Saturday was the beginning of the big adventure day. We got up early to go to Chatachuk Market also known as JJ Market. A huge open air market in Thailand. After shopping around a bit we decided to head to one of the big malls around here to catch a movie. So....we enter the movie theater a few minutes before the movie should start and then all of a sudden this guy comes in speaking Thai and says a long bit of information. All the Thai people get up and leave, leaving the rest of us, who obviously have no idea what he said...(yes I may have lived here f

or almost 2 years, but my Thai is not so great!) Anyways...I turned around and the 20 of us still left in the theater decided to get up...turns out the mall was closing due to the protestors....so what can we do? We go outside and begin to take the BTS (skytrain back to my part of the city) guess what? That is closed, they are only letting a certain number of passengers on and we don't make the cut. So...we go exploring...

And we landed right in the middle of the red shirts...I called a friend to find out how to get home. Except instead of going that direction we walked right down the middle of the protest...this was totally by accident and there were a couple of times when I was a little freaked out, but if I have learned anything in the past 2 years it is that Thai people are kind to foreigners. So at one point this lady grabs my shirt and says, "Please you must go away, please leave, the army is coming." I thought she was kidding but as it turns out probably later on that evening was when everything got worse. I must say that I am so thankful I know Jesus, because even when I do not know it, He is protecting me. I had no idea that 21 people would die and that tensions were rising. It was a sight to behold though that is for sure.

Well after walking around to the Baiyoke where you can see from the 83rd floor all over BKK, we finally got a taxi home. The BTS didn't open so it really was our only option. Never thought I would be so happy to be back at my apartment...but this time for real I was excited.

The next day we are off to Chiang Mai....little did I know that this would be a crazy experience also. So....get to the airport and after my backpack which I was carrying on when through security once, they asked me if they could check it, sure I said. So they checked it then he asked if they could scan it again, also asking me if I had a toy gun in my backpack. To which I replied, "no not that I know of." Yeah so they scanned it and then guess what he takes it back to the table and pulls out a pellet gun from the hidden pocket. Oh, I said that is my student's I had to take it away from him, you can throw it away." Sometimes I am really glad that I live in Thailand and not another country. Yeah...so thanks to that student who had to get that confiscated on the retreat....oh middle schoolers...how I love you!

Make it to Chiang Mai..did I mention that Songkran is the Water Festival, basically a huge water throwing party. You can't go anywhere in Chiang Mai without getting wet. So we went shopping our first night at Walking Street in Chiang Mai. Good thing because otherwise we would have been soaked.

One of my friends had heard of this great Elephant Farm the only Elephant Farm actually the rest are called camps...so off we went for a fun-filled day with the Elephants. It was amazing. We got to check their health, which means making sure that they slept the night before on the ground, seeing if they are sweating, checking their poo and also before you even begin making sure that your elephant wants you to come near her. We got to experience bathing the elephants and riding them through really deep ravines. You can't imagine how amazing it is to sit on top of an elephant and ride it through these ravines. Seriouly can't even begin to describe how amazing our creator is! Just simply in awe of how He has worked elephants to this depth.

I loved being up close and personal with the Elephants...totally amazing.

The next day we got started with Songkran 101....thanks S for making me do it. Totally fun for a day, although the water we dumped on people was from the river...in the middle of town, not totally for sure what that entails!

So....headed back to BKK for the night and then onto Southern Thailand where we experienced Tropical Paradise, although it was a little more expensive than I thought, but well worth it! I managed to get a sunburn and a cold all in one day...

Anyways....pics to come soon, I want to use the ones on my camera...but it was great times!

As I ponder some more about fasting

This is the season to think upon what Jesus' death meant, but even more what it meant that He rose and I can follow Him and know Him today. This past Monday evening I celebrated my first Seder/Passover meal. It was really great! I forgot to take pictures, and am hoping that I can get a hold of some, but for now my thoughts will just have to do.

Anyways I think what struck me is the symbolism behind it all. I often get so wrapped up in my life that Easter comes and goes without me really taking time to reflect what it truly means. To reflect on Jesus' sacrifice, His pain and suffering. To reflect on what He did for me. Why is it so hard for me to just relax and reflect? I keep coming back to this question. My life is about myself most of the time, this is why. Sure, I talk a good talk and can even most of the time fool myself into believing that I am doing it right and have everything perfect. The truth is that I am far from it. I say things that I don't mean, I am sarcastic, and I do not take the time to listen and get to know Jesus.

As this Sunday approaches I get to finish with my lent fasting and go back to checking facebook again. In a way I am a little bit sad by this. I have enjoyed my facebook free life. It has been a struggle though, as I feel like I have no idea what is going on in the outside world. I feel like I have lost touch with my friends, what did people do before facebook when they lived overseas? :) I am though coming back with a different perspective. Before I fasted from facebook I was checking it at least 3 times a day. Usually once when I first got up and then right before I would leave school. It has this hold on me. Well....I think that I am going to be okay if I even skip some days here and there of not checking it. I was talking to a three year old, she might be four I am unsure, anyways she was talking to me about how she was fasting from gum. Well it was just so amazing because she brought it up and it seems like a weird thing to have a 3 year old tell you she is fasting from something but it was amazing. She pointed out (sort of directed by her Mom) something to me and made me realize. I think the focus of fasting, well I sort of missed it. The focus of fasting is discipline but more than that it is crying out to God when you just can't handle saying no to the temptation of giving in to what you gave up. That is the part that I have missed. Getting on my knees and begging for the Lord to bring me through the temptation.

He has the power, I don't...and yet I think that I do.


So in these next few days, as I know the temptation will continue to grow strong, I am going to seek Him and beg Him to not let me fail. But if I do not fail it is not going to be because I am disciplined enough, but because He is gracious enough not to let me fail.

Whew...it has been a year!

I just got done reading through my posts from last March. Wow! It has been quite a year. I was at a completely different place last year at this time. It is amazing to me though that I can see the change that the Lord was beginning to build into my heart and my life. I have a deeper passion and desire to know Him more, one that continues to build the more I seek and the longer I am here. I am not sure if it is being in Thailand, or if it is just getting older and realizing what really matters isn't really being popular or what eveyone else thinks. What really matters is keeping my eyes focused on the cross.

Last night I was talking with A about coming to Thailand 2 years ago. I mean it has almost been 2 school years......I can hardly believe it has gone so quickly. When I think about the person that I was when I first came and who I have been transformed into now...well I can't help but be overwhelmed with how good God is. There has been a lot of pain and hurt along the way...a lot of letting go and even more of hanging on. The hanging on though wasn't to the people or things that I thought it would be. In most cases it was hanging on to Jesus, to His truth and light. Stepping back away from the things that I had been accustomed to hang on to and realizing that my life is about Him, nothing else.

Two years ago I based my decisions and my depth on those that surrounded me. My relationship with God was beginning to be deep on its own, but it still wasn't really my own relationship. I was leaning a lot on circumstances and people that just weren't doing it for me. Not to say they weren't great people, worthy people, but I realize now that God does have to take people away from you sometimes. Even though the hurt and pain is so great you are sometimes blinded by the good that it brings. I think that is what has had to happen with me many different times. It is always hard to handle, but you know it is always for the best. In the midst of tough situations, we open up our hearts and eyes to see Him, to seek Him and to know Him more.

I am a little scared by how quickly my life is passing me by. I think that the unknown is what scares me but also gives me some excitement. I know that I will be in Thailand for one more year, but after that...well I am not so sure. Maybe more time here in this place that needs to hear about His love so much, or maybe He will move me on.

I do know that I need to continue to reflect and ponder what I am learning. Even in the midst of tough situations He is faithful and He is good. That is one thing I can say that I have learned in the past two years. To keep faithful despite the circumstances that surround me. So even tonight as demonstrations continue and move forward, I will know that these circumstances are of the World. I do not fear because He has victory and He is near.

Fasting from facebook and so much more!

I have to admit that I have checked my facebook 3 times since my fast started. So I guess in a way I have failed my fast, but at the same time each time I only stayed on for about 1 minute, so in a way I am still fasting. Yeah, but not really. So I am starting over as of right now no facebook till Easter. For real this time....ahhhh human wants and desires they drive me crazy! Each time though I have felt guilty and realized that I need to be sincere in what I am saying and doing. This fasting from facebook when the country I am living in is in them middle of huge political demonstrations...well it makes things a little tough. I am safe, and did get the day off of school. It was nice and for once I think I am prepared for this coming week. That is simply amazing! Even still as I was out and about today, I was trying to really look at the people. Look in their eyes. I am not sure that I can explain it but I am going to try....


If you only knew...

If you only knew what I see when I look at you,
tears fill my eyes as I look into yours and see the emptiness

I see the despair and the searching
the unknown in your rituals and smiles.

When I look at you, I want to just touch you
to give you a piece of my heart, to say you really do have a part

There is pain in your eyes today,
you try to hide it but you just can't make that mask last

It is coming down, the tears are dissolving it and making it mush,
that mask, it was your stronghold, what you leaned against.

Don't let it mold together again, to hide what you really feel,
the emotions that have been locked up for so long.

You have been searching and waiting,
now here it is, what you have been looking for.

Are you going to hide,
are you going to let everything continue to be locked up inside?

It means nothing, what you have spent so long giving in to,
it brings nothing, can't you see?

This road that you are on, it is going to lead you to the place you don't belong,
it is dark and scary, there is not light.

If only you could see what I see,
then your joy might be complete.

I see the reason you were born, I see the truth in this storm
You were made for something more.

My eyes they see you, my heart wants you to know.
The emptiness can be filled, just grasp what you know the truth, the light
and you will fill that emptiness in your eyes.

In the midst of waiting.....

Right now Thailand especially BKK is in the waiting period. There are supposedly thousands of protestors "red shirts" headed this direction. Now at the beginning of all this drama I was thinking it just seemed like all the times before, yet this somehow feels different. It seems that everything before has been building up to this weekend.

Pondering what this means. To the people fighting for what they believe in. This man who seems to be leading from out of the country, kind of amazes me. I don't know that I can ever say Thai people aren't passionate about a cause. I think no matter what side of the conflict they are on it shows they are passionate people.

It makes me realize if that passion could be directed to the ONE who really matters, how much this country would change. Well how much any country would change for that matter. When I think about the driving force behind each of us, I have to wonder if we really know what it is we are fighting for?

We are sometimes, at least I think lost in this battle. We fight and fight, only to realize that we were either
A: fighting for the wrong cause or
B: fighting by our own means (when all along someone was standing right next to us ready to lead, to gain control if we just let Him.)

I find myself too often standing in the middle of the battle only to find out that it is the wrong battle. The battle isn't in the people that I come in contact with everyday. The battle is inside myself. The reason I see people in a negative way, or think they are annoying me. Well, it has to do with what is inside of me. For if I was looking at those around me and seeing them the way Jesus does then the battle would cease to exist. If I was truly so in tune with Jesus that He was the author of my every thought, then nothing would be left of myself, of my human desires.

I guess what I am saying is this. The conflict going on right now has reminded me that God is in control. No matter what types of things are happening, the peace I have and live by is not a peace like the world has or wants. It goes far beyond that to the depth of being a part of who Jesus is. For Jesus has already won the victory. If I am seeking to win His way, then I too have the Victory for I have it through Him.

My thoughts and mind are going to always be there, struggling on the inside to not let those human desires take over. I take courage though and confidence in the fact that Jesus is there, as the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me. When I make mistakes, well that is just part of it, right? I think it just depends what I do with those mistakes and where I go from here. Waiting for His return, but while I wait...I'm going to wait in Him.

A note about SALT

Last week was our SALT trip. We took 3 day trips to various places around BKK. The one that hit me the most was the last day when we went to serve at an Elderly Home. It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. To see 6th graders step out of their comfort zones and give. Just by being friends and by holding conversations. They did such an awesome job. It reminded me of pure love. The love that we are supposed to have for those around us. The love that sees nothing but a person...God's creation.

I mean these are 6th graders. It was so cool to listen to them talk about compassion and finally understand how to put that into action. I think it reminded me to step outside of myself. That even though I am an adult there are things I do not want to do. Things that are outside of my comfort zone. Yet...God is calling me to do them.

So Lord here I am letting go of the things that I should have let go of years ago. Looking forward to a future that is in your hands and welcoming the new trials and beginnings of friendships that are sure to come.

Thankful for the people that I am meeting along the way and how they have changed me, molded me and showed me how to have a closer walk with my God. How wonderful it is when we meet those people that draw us closer to the Father rather than tear us away.

Some Things I learned this week...

I am a control freak

I really like leading things.

When I lead, I lead emotionally which is not the best way. I am going to work on this.

I really would like to be in full-time ministry either running an orphanage or children's ministry somewhere. If only my bills wouldn't get in the way.

I think my career path is changing.

I would like to finish my book by the end of the summer.

Leading is influencing others, but in order to be a good leader you have to know what your strengths are and the strengths of the people you are leading.

My strengths: Organization, planning, teaching

People come into our lives for seasons and reasons. Sometimes it is really hard to see those seasons end, but you know what there will only be ONE season in heaven and it will be the forever season. I can't wait for that season to come!

Letting go is the best form of love.

God's promises are True and will come to completion in the right season.

I'm an AUNT!

I just found out that my stepsister had her baby...that means I am an aunt for the first time. Yeah! Even though this little baby was diagnosed as not going to make it to birth, he is here and alive. God is amazing! I am so blessed to know the Creator of the Universe...the creator of this little life. Please pray with me for this little one. And....hopefully one day I will hear the words Aunt Tawnya....that puts a smile on my face. Or maybe he will give me some fun nickname...that would put an even bigger smile on my face! What a blessing today, in the midst of a crazy chaotic week!

A Willing Sacrifice

Today marks three days of being facebook free. Although I know that this blog will be fed automatically onto my page without me doing anything, so there is still a little connection there. But I have not spent nearly as much time these past few days in this technological world. It actually has freed up quite a bit more time than I thought. My focus has been able to be changed a little bit at a time to focus more on God and less on filling my time with things that are not really as important as getting to know the creator of the universe.

The focus this week has been on giving up those things that are holding me back from completely living for him. I have realized that a lot of what is holding me back is my attitude and my patience level. Whew...everyday this week I feel like it has been completely tested to the max. In my daily interactions, in my leading of a service project, in my communication with others. There is this overlaying attitude of just negative thoughts and feelings. Where does it come from? I think that it has something to do with trying to give up everything, that is when you feel everything so much more right? When I am trying to live for God, that is when I am bombarded with thoughts and feelings that go against Him the most.

This week has brought sacrifice...nothing compared to the sacrifice of Jesus. The pain and humiliation He felt hanging on the cross. Nothing can compare to that, but I hope and pray that in these next few weeks leading up to the celebration of his life, death and resurrection that I will be able to sense even more and grow closer to Him. My life is not my own....why does this concept feel so hard to grasp. It seems the harder I try to give it up and let God lead me, the harder it is to give up.

No fear in love...

It is Valentine's Day, Wow! This is my 28th Valentine's Day and as I reflect on today I have to say that it was probably one of the best. Not because I did some crazy fun thing, but just because it was not a day when I felt like feeling sorry for myself. I have come to realize that I need to just accept things as the Lord has given them to me. Yes, it would have been nice to have that special someone to spend the day with and to hang out with, but you know instead I got to hang out with a couple pretty cool people.

We ate lunch and then went to see the movie "Valentine's Day." Go figure-it was actually a pretty good movie. Despite a couple of parts at the end that I wasn't too excited about, but it gave me time to think and reflect a little bit. I do admit that part of me was wishing I had a story to tell. Then the other part of me was looking at their (the people in the movie) lives and seeing how much easier mine is. The reason? I don't have to try and make things work out how I want them to. Why? Because God already has my story written. You see I face being content on pretty much a daily basis. I mean one minute I am okay with my state of singleness and then another minute I long for a "best friend." You know that person that you just click with, who can read you and you can read him and he challenges you to know God in a greater way. That is the man I am waiting for. It occurred to me today that God may not give that to me for awhile. On the other hand I am praying for it to happen quickly. What is being content, really? Well I think it is being at peace. Peace comes from God, so if I am allowing God to fulfill me then I am going to have peace. My life is going to be in God's will and I don't have to try and control every aspect or really any aspect.

This is a lot easier said than done. Reading through a friend's email today I realized that most of my actions that cause harm to others or mess up things are done out of my emotions. It is always my emotions that allow me to write that email or make that phone call, that in the end probably shouldn't have been written or made in the first place. For a lot of my emotions are caused by fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear that if I don't take control, well then my life is going to spin out of control. In reality I should not fear, because in 1 John it talks about Fear and that there is no fear in love, but in reality love casts out all fear. If I am truly loving God, then I don't need to fear. God is my light, my portion and my hope. I just have to trust Him and lean on Him, for He already has my story written. It is a great story and one day I am going to be excited to share it with all of you. Until that day though, I wait and hope and allow Him to use me to serve, to grow and to Worship.

So, although everyone says this is just another Hallmark holiday, I sort of give it two thumbs up because I think every year it causes me to reflect and think. This might be the first year though that I can say I am happy and satisfied in God's love. Yes I am waiting for that story, but you know what? I can rest being in the middle of it, knowing that it is God's hand that is writing and not mine.

I am a big complainer...

I have been going through the book of Isaiah with someone. It has actually been quite interesting and it never fails that our discussion leads into the people of Israel and why they would not just turn to God. It seems that they were always complaining about this or that and never really just looked to see what God was doing that was good. I mean it is a lot easier to complain, now isn't it?

Well I realized tonight that I am pretty much just as guilty of this as the people of Israel. I mean here I am at a job that I really do love, where I get to openly share my faith on a daily basis and what are the first words out of my mouth when I get done, or even in the midst of the day....you guessed it...complaints. Oh maybe I complain because the printer is not in the same room as the copier, or because I had 6 students absent in one day, or because my friendships have gotten all mixed up and there seems to be no way to mend them, or because this person just doesn't seem to understand what teaching is all about. Oh yes, I complain about the food in the cafeteria, about having to be in charge of a field trip, about this and that...yep that's me big complainer...aka Israel.

Wow...the Lord He is really patient because it has taken me a while to realize just how much I complain. I was talking with a friend today and when we left the conversation I realized that I hadn't said one positive thing the whole time we were talking. Wow! Talk about being a faithful servant of the Lord, doesn't sound like it or look like it to me at all.

Next week Lent starts and I am praying for God to really just grab a hold of my life. To etch away those things that are just getting in the middle of a full life in Him. I am praying about what to give up for the next 40 days, and have pretty much decided that facebook is the number one option. It seems to be this communication tool that has turned into a little idol in my life. I can't go a day without checking it and as soon as 3:00 hits...oh I am on it. I sometimes even stay late just in order to check and see in the 7 hours since I was at work if anyone has written to me. Yes, it has begun to take the place of communicating with God. I have realized this, but haven't really wanted to change. Not anymore....

Enough complaining...enough spending time checking facebook when I could be getting to know the creator of the Universe. I mean seriously how can I even compare those two? Yet, I have!

The Cost of Taking Up Your Cross: Death

Wow! I feel like it has been quite a day. As I sit here pondering over the time in God's word this morning and then eating lunch with friends, I am just amazed by how good He is. Today I had real conversation about God, about struggles that people were going through and about truly taking up our crosses for Him. What it looks like to make my life a reflection of His and being able to see Him work in other people.

For some time now I have been praying about something. I am not going to go into details just yet, but this has been on my mind a lot. It is something that I struggle with quite often and have noticed is something that can bring me into sin faster than pretty much anything else. I have realized that in a lot of people's lives especially those claiming to be solid Christians this thing has a way of taking hold. It deceives you into believing that you what you are doing is not wrong at all. Much like Eve was deceived into thinking that the piece of fruit would make her like God. Today it occurred to me that I am not alone in my desire of things that are not of God. You might be thinking "duh." You probably would be right, but in my mind I have gotten so used to my own struggles and feeling like I am the only one that I forgot we all go through this. Maybe your struggle is not my struggle, but we all have struggles.

What made today different though is for once I felt like the wall was torn down. For once someone was vulnerable and God began to work. It is not going to be easy and it may cause some relationships to crumble, but you know what He is working and He was kind enough to allow me to be a part of this thing! I can't believe it! I want to scream to everyone that He is Faithful! He is worth it! He is worth whatever sacrifices I have had to made for that moment today when someone was for once transparent. When it wasn't about looking cool or being liked it was just about being real.

O Lord I am so thankful for that! I am so thankful to see you working!

As I ponder over what it means to give up my life, to be willing to die for the cause I think that this is what it is about. Being there for others, sharing His love with them and understanding that the road is narrow! It is not just whatever you want to do that goes, but it is about completely giving it all up for Him. Am I willing to die for this faith? Yes, I am...that is how strongly I believe in Jesus.

If I am willing to die for Him, then I need to be willing to stand up for Him, no matter what. If people think that I am just some crazy conservative who takes the Bible literally, well then I think that makes me excited. If everyday I want to run away from this job that I have because it is too hard to show His love to my students or others around me...that is worth it! It is worth it because He is TRUTH! It is worth it because there is no sacrifice that is too great for Him!

He is WORTH It!

My stomach is in knots...

As I sit here reading my BSF study for today, my stomach is all twisted up in about a million different knots. I am not really sure the cause of it exactly, although there have been some pretty strange thoughts and dreams going on the past few days. It seems that the Lord is trying to draw me closer to himself. I love that but at the same time it is hard for me to just let Him in. To just rest in His presence and get a sense of what He is trying to tell me. Tonight I am reading about His return. Whew...it is amazing to think about. I really like 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18....especially the part about getting to be "always with the Lord." I can't wait for that day, when relationships will be perfect and I will get to be with all the people I love.

Except I can't help but cry out to God because not everyone that I love will be there. Not everyone that I love is experiencing a life with Christ and for Him. Some are caught up in sin and living for the flesh. It breaks my heart to think that we will not spend eternity together. I long for the day when I get to shed only tears of Joy for my King! There will not be weeping, hurt or pain. He will "come to take us for himself" (John 14:3). This means I have to keep looking up...I have to keep focusing on what lies ahead. Not on myself not worrying about myself and what I need, but on Him.

The past few days have been tough because I am praying about something that seems to be on my mind a lot lately and has been on and off for the past few years. I wish that it would just go away and as much as I have prayed, I am not sure the Lord has specifically told me to give it up. So, I wait. I wait for His work. Sometimes while I wait I try to make it go faster, this waiting and then I make mistakes, or the Lord has to correct me. This time though I really want to just wait on God. He knows my heart, my dreams because He put them there. He knows the plans He has for me and so I continue to just lean on Him and rest in Him and continue to give my life over to Him. Praying for the opportunities that I hope will come.

In four months from today I will have said good-bye to two of my closest friends during my time here. They are each going away to live life, one to get married and the other probably to graduate school. I sort of feel like I am being left behind. I know that I have more friends, but they have been the kind of friends that just clicked. We met in the commercial building on the fourth floor and lived life together. I will miss them so much and even now I have tears in my eyes thinking about saying good-bye. They have taught me a lot about friendship, truth and loyalty. I am thankful that the Lord crossed our paths and I have hope in meeting them again one day. It seems that my life is full of good-byes. This might be the first time in awhile that I am not the one moving away. We never know who we are going to meet or what they are going to mean to us, do we? I have met some people that I thought I didn't care to lose and others that if our lives ever really couldn't have some contact I think I might lose a part of myself. So I think about this and my friends. We may never be in the same place on earth again...probably not even in the same country. But we have taken from each other and given love, laughter and friendship.

I have a few other friends getting to start living out dreams this month. They have been praying and hoping for such a long time and now it is really happening. I am so happy for them, but a little sad also because I am not directly involved. I don't really get to hear about the ups and downs or even about how things have come to happen along the way. I pray that it will be a great experience and that somehow and sometime I can really have a chance to hear about it. For now though the Lord has told me that I must sit on the sidelines and wait. There's that word again...wait. I don't like it one bit, but it is teaching me, probably lessons that I don't even realize I am learning.

As I read back through this blog, it seems to be nothing too special. But also there is something in this. I want and long for my life to be so filled with Christ that no matter what I write or who reads it, it is Christ and not me. I am not sure this always happens, but at least I can press forward hoping for Christ's will in me.

Feeling like a failure and realizing that's who I am without Christ

Last night I was doing some work for school and looking at dates for an upcoming service and learning trip we are going to be taking at the end of this month, when I realized that the bus was reserved for the wrong days. Granted I wasn't the one who actually reserved the bus, but being in charge of the trip it is ultimately my responsibility. I have been pretty stressed out about this trip to begin with. Only being here 1 1/2 years I am not sure that it qualifies me to lead three days of field trips for 62 sixth graders. Granted, there are people on our team that have gone above and beyond in helping out and taking over, but being the "leader" means that whatever happens good or bad it is my fault. That is a lot of pressure!

So, as I was thinking about this pressure, I realized that there is a reason that I do not enjoy this role, because it is not really a role that comes naturally. Now don't get me wrong I like being in charge and I like being the boss, but it is not a natural role. I was always that shy kid, and I am not really sure when I developed in me this outspoken way of doing things. In fact I think most of it has formed in the past couple of years. Why? Well a lot of it has to do with my security in Christ. When I was younger I followed Christ, but I was also swayed by others A LOT! So much so that I think I probably did not stand up for Him all the times I should have. Now though I can honestly say that my life is in Christ. I do think that because my life is in Christ that gives me this attitude of pride that I need to keep giving up. For it sort of begins to look less like Christ and more like me.

I think that is where I was last night. We had a meeting yesterday after school. After the meeting I was talking to someone and they mentioned that I had done a great job of getting everything organized. Now on the outside I said I don't really think I did that great, but on the inside I was feeling pretty good about myself. What I forgot though was to give God the credit for the way this trip has come together. The bus mix up was to me a reminder that if I leave Christ out and leave out giving Him glory, then I am a failure. Not because He can't use me anyways, but because my life, my every being should be about Him. I should not be giving myself credit for what He does, what He brings together, but I should be acknowledging Him in everything.

Gazing out the window...watching the World pass by

As I gaze out the window it seems to me that the world is passing me by. Not the kind of passing to where I am just an observer, because I do not feel like my life has been about only observation at all. In fact I think that I am very much a part of what is going on and the purposes that the Lord has in this world. What I mean is that it has occurred to me that life happens everyday quicker and quicker than it happened the day before. For instance, when I was in high school, I never really thought that life went very quickly. I never thought that I was going to grow up. College seemed to go a little faster, as I had more free time, but then also had full time jobs that required a lot of work, on top of studying. Then we come to the past 2 years of my life, when it seems like it has been just a glimpse of time. That I have not really been able to stop and glance at what was or is happening.

This is the reason for blogging, because if I do not take the time to really stop and think about what is happening in my life and what the Lord is doing, then it is just going to continue to pass me by. It is going to continue to be this place of going through the motions and hurrying on to the next season, or the next task without stopping to realize what I am learning in the here and now.

I have wasted a good part of my life wishing that I was somewhere else. Wishing that I was in a different time and a different place. What I am realizing more and more is just that to live for today. Not to get wrapped up in the need to be somewhere else and to be this person or that person, but truly just live for today and what the Lord has for today.

Last weekend I was able to go on a middle school retreat. I had been dreading it a little bit as it would be the whole weekend from Friday right after school until Sunday evening. As we loaded the bus and the excitement of the students landed on me, I became really excited. This is not an area of expertise that I have held. You see, youth ministry has always been for everyone else. Even when I helped out with Jr. High one semester, it was because one of my closest friends was the jr high leader. I just have never really felt called to this area, although my growing in the Lord probably happened the most when I was in jr high. That is when the foundation was able to be built. As the weekend progressed and I got to lead the first activity. It made me realize that it is not necessarily about being "called" to a specific job, but about being willing to give Him my life and service.

You see, maybe I wasn't the best person to help lead, but I was able to be there. Maybe I was grumpy some of the time, but I had fun. Like when we had a massive game of capture the flag and the students were allow to tag the leaders with just one-hand but then later we tagged with two. By the end everyone was laughing and sweating and just really glad to experience this crazy time or running around and tagging one another. Or there was the trust fall, with kids shaking because of their fear, but they did it anyways. I got to be a part of that. I got to be stretched outside of what is comfortable for me and be led to a place of giving in to the Lord and how he wants to change me and use me.

Who knows, maybe He is giving me a new love for middle schoolers? Or maybe it is just for a season. No matter what though I am happy about where I am and how He is working! Feeling Blessed.

The frustrations turned to realizations...

Today I was getting off the BTS and was just really annoyed. I was annoyed at being in a place where people worship trees and the fact that around every corner there is a statue or spirit house with offerings that to me do not mean anything. I was annoyed at the fact that people rush on to the BTS when those of us getting off still have yet to get out of the door. I was annoyed that when going down the stairs someone pushed right by me and then again when I was in line at the book store I had barely got finished and this lady just pushes me out of the way to lay her books on the counter. I was just annoyed.

So, what was my response to this annoyance, well I decided to just go home and get some work done. On my way though I got out the magazine that I had just bought. Time, magazine. Now I am not usually a Time reader but I decided that I needed some information in my life and it was one of the cheapest English magazines available that were worth my time. As I turned to the first page it was about this basketball player for Harvard. Normally I would have just skipped it, because basketball is not really that exciting to me. Instead I started reading it and was actually enjoying it. Then I got to the bottom part where it talked about this basketball player being a professing Christian and something hit me.

God is working! I may not see it on the streets or even in the way people push past me to get onto the BTS, but he is working. Why do I constantly think that my life is the only one that matters? That if I can't see the results of my work or other people's work immediately then that means that nothing is happening? I think it is because I am so focused a lot of times on the negative that I forget to see what is happening or what has happened in the past.

I get annoyed quite a bit by things that happen in this part of the world. I don't really understand Thai culture a lot of the time and instead of seeing it for what it is I try and compare it to what I know. This is normal and I don't really get down on myself that much for it because I know that everyone does it, but I must say that I need to give more understanding. I need to bow my head a little more and pray when I get annoyed instead of just showing it on my face and expecting for things to change overnight. God's timing is not my timing and His patience is more than mine will ever be. This is why I must live in Him. For when I try and do things my own way or with my own power that is when I get into trouble.

I have had a lot of thinking time this past week. Not that life has been less busy but I just have allowed myself more time to process where I am at on this journey. I am finding myself at a place of ups and downs. One minute I love it here and just want to dive into everything that God is showing me and then the next minute I want to go somewhere else, meet new people and have new experiences. The ups and downs are just crazy. This does not mean that my life is horrible. In fact I think this means that my life is normal. There are going to be trials and there are going to be times of annoyance. It is what I do with them that counts.

I guess my lesson for today is that I learned that I need to realize God more. I need to see Him. I don't just need to see people around me, but see Him in those people. They are His creation, He is in them. Sometimes I forget to look. May this week be a time of looking...

The weeks pass by so quickly...

The first week back from break is done, it is over. I spent the whole week wanting it to be over and now it is, and what do I want? Well I sort of want it back. Every day that goes by is a day that gets closer to the expectation of tomorrow. Why is it that I hope for tomorrow to come so quickly? Why is it that I count down the days until the next big activity, or trip and then look back and wonder why I was so anxious in the first place. For when I get to that place, well I just go through it and never really stop to examine what it meant to me and how it impacted my life. So what activities am I looking forward to today? Well, next week I am going to be one of the chaperones on the Middle School Retreat. Something that I am not really looking forward to in that vacation sort of way. I know that it will be a draining time and one that I am not really that prepared for, but I know that it will also be a stretching time. For spending a weekend with middle schoolers is definitly out of my comfort zone. Being stretched and growing is one of the most important parts of my life. Reflecting on change and people is another part. I have learned a lot in these past few years about trust and people. I guess I have always been one to push people away because it is easier to me. It is easier for me when things get rough to just give up. I have this jealousy that has been the driving force behind a lot of my close friendships. I don't want anyone else to be closer to a friend then me. I didn't really realize that I had that until I was talking with a friend the other day and then also reading a little bit of her blog. You see we have similar backgrounds and because of those backgrounds we have similar ways to deal with people.

As I am reading her blog I am realizing that I have that jealousy built up inside of me. I want to be the only close friend and if there is something to mess with that then I freak out. Such as that person not calling me back right away, or them spending time with other people. I am always comparing myself to others and in a way making myself feel lower than I really should be feeling. For maybe this goes back to not being confident in who I am or was in Christ. Yes, God may look at the inward appearance, but I have never really felt that my inner or outer appearance were too great.

I feel like I might just be rambling right now with no real direction, so I am going to stop and get my thoughts together and then blog another day. Until then...I will think some more.

Today...

I don't really want to be single anymore. See that is how this works I guess. Even though I give it to God, it keeps coming back. It has to be a daily surrender. That is kind of hard to do I think. But I will try...daily giving it up. But still not giving up hope...how does that work anyways?