It's the unknown...

I keep thinking that I am going to blog a little and then I never sit down to actually write. I end up being stuck on facebook for like 12 hours. Life was easier when I was fasting from facebook, but I enjoy being connected with people once again.

The time has come for more change in my life. I really do like change, and so it is not a freaking out stage that I am in, more of just an unsure stage. It would be enough if I was just changing apartments....but I am not. I am changing the grade that I teach, apartments, getting a new roommate and friends are moving away all in a month. Oh and my little sister is getting married. Hmmm.....did I also mention that the country I am living in is currently in the middle of political unrest, as in today they start shooting things and in the past couple of weeks bombs have gone off and the BTS has closed a few times.

So....change.....good and bad.

Sometimes I feel that when I blog I write too much and then other times, maybe I don't write enough. I guess that is the point of blogging though, right. To say things that you wouldn't normally say, but also to not say things that you probably would say without realizing that you shouldn't.

So....the first thing....saying good-bye to friends. I have felt myself really pulling away this week. I can make a million excuses why I am doing it, but the truth is that I don't like pain. You see most of the time I am the one to leave, not to stay. In fact I think that there has only probably been once or twice when I have stayed in a place and someone else has left. And usually I am not far behind to leave. I know that I am doing it, and yet I can't seem to stop it, how do you say good-bye well? Even, yes I do know that we are going to see each other again, I have no doubt, but you know things change. Life is different. They have been the people that I have cried with and laughed with and got lost with. They were the ones that were here to experience "culture shock" together. And now...we must say g00d-bye. That is hard, for no matter how much facebook connects you...it can't take the place of real conversations and time spent actually together!

Moving to fourth grade, is going to be quite a jump. I have sort of gotten used to my 6th graders and their various temperaments and quirks. I have grown to love middle schoolers through this experience, and you know what? That is something that I never thought I would say. I understand now, not totally...but I get the reason for jr. high and for people that have a passion for this age group. I am going to look forward to seeing who they become and how they impact this world! Meanwhile I am going to get ready for elementary school again....excited and nervous!

Apartments....really excited about this change and ready to tackle communication and get going with some genuine community!

So...change, yeah I kind of seek it out, but it doesn't come without a little hesitation and a lot of prayer. As I think upon these changes, the biggest one will be at the end of this month. When I spend the last week of my sister's single life with her. WoW! My little sister is getting married. I am so excited for her and maybe even a little jealous. She will make a great wife and I look forward to a niece or nephew sometime in the next couple of years! Not trying to rush things though. I am going to enjoy the time with family..although that also will change. Now it will be shared time for us and joining to families together in a way. What a way to start the summer!

Now if this political unrest would just get under control!


Change...I love it! But it is tough sometimes.

Won't Grow Weary...

Today I was reading through my student's journals. They are reading through Romans right now. I got kind of discouraged as I read some of them and the fact that so many are from non-Christian homes where they aren't allowed to believe in Jesus. It struck me right in the heart, and just made me question, Lord what am I doing? How am I going to get through to them? Then I read some more and was overwhelmed with the fact that you know what? God, He is the One that is touching their lives, not me. They may hate to do journaling, but you know what? They are reading the Word and that is what is important. Sometimes I get so caught up in the "me" part of this equation that I forget that it is not about me. It is about Him. I heard a song today....actually listened to it and it reminded me of something- you know what? God is the defender of the weak, He reaches those in need, and He doesn't grow weary. He loves to love people, to run after them and to show them the truth of who He is. It is not all about me, it is about Him. All I have to do is love, and be His. So as I think about this here are the words that come to mind:


You are His creation,
set apart for greater purposes than you could ever imagine.

You are His beautiful child,
He loves you and wants you to know Him more.

He knows your pain and hurt,
He knows the saddness that you can't handle anymore.

He desires for you to know Him,
to set aside the doubt and fear.

The fear it seems so bottled up,
like an explosion just waiting to occur.

Don't let it explode, just let it release,
Every step you take to release, is a step closer to the truth.

He knows the pain of what you are facing,
Being pulled in so many directions, with truth nowhere near

He knows you hear one thing and then another,
never really understanding what truth is and how to acknowledge what you feel.

He loves you and created you,
Let go of the hold that is keeping you captive

Let go of the doubts that are holding you back,
leave it behind and don't turn around.

For His light will shine to guide you along,
He is your creator, your sustainer and your ever-present guide.

Your friends....and who you are...

You know I think I am one of those very fortunate people who went to a great college and met some truly awesome people. We have been through the tough times....broken relationships, changing jobs, losing loved ones, being out in the "real world," knowing what it is like to be single, figuring out who is "the one" and who isn't. I am thankful for those people, but you know what I have come to realize I am so much more thankful for the way that the Lord has weaved and orchestrated them into my life. My friends they know me, they know what I like and don't like. They know when I need space and they know to ask the tough questions. More importantly though we have a common bond....why? Because we love kids and have a heart for being overseas.

I have come to realize that most of the time the connections that I make with people are with people that are either from other countries or have been to or lived in another country. It is not because I am an overseas snob or anything, but it is simply because there is this bond. There is just something about living or being overseas that changes you. In most ways for the better. I know that it is not for everyone, but you know we surround ourselves with people that we are most like and that have common interests. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so thankful that the Lord made me to love kids and more than that to love African kids.

Please do not misunderstand, because I am in no way putting down any kids from anywhere else...I love them all, but my heart yeah it pretty much goes out to African kids. Two of my friends from college they have been able to go to Africa and work in orphanages and experience in person what it means to just love those kids. This week I realized that is what I am beginning to feel led to do. I think it has always been there, but God had to do some work in me first. Now do I really think it is going to be any time soon? No, actually I think that at least one or two more years are going to go by before I am in Africa...but I think I am going!

Why do we sometimes just feel this pull towards a place and we have no idea why? I think the Lord gives us His desires...I hadn't wanted to give in to those desires before because honestly giving in to the love for Africa that I have would mean possibly that I had been wrong about something and you know I don't really like to admit when I am wrong, even though I should admit it!

Anyways...what I am trying to say is that the Lord this week has reminded me that I don't need all the fancy things, or to be the most well known...all I need to do is follow Him and what He is telling me and leading me to do. I am pretty sure this is the beginning of preparation....not sure when or what...but getting myself ready by just resting in Him.

My Dreams...

Today I was talking to someone...someone who doesn't know me..and someone that I may never see again. But she was in a position to talk to me about adjustments to Thailand life and just how things are going, but also just to talk in general. She asked me a question...."if money was no obstacle, what would you do?, where would you be?" I paused for about a second and gave her my answer.

The answer suprised even myself. I have not yet made a decision to share that dream, but I realized that it is what I want and long to do. That the one thing that is holding me back, is money. Should that really be what holds us back? If I know for sure that this desire is not going to leave, then shouldn't I be doing everything to follow it. Even if it means sacrifice...because I think that if I pursue this dream, then there is going to be sacrifice. There will be sacrifice of traveling, of vacation, maybe even sacrifice of some adventure. But the dream....I think with God's help and leadership...well it will happen.

I am glad I had this talk today, and glad even more that I realize where it is that my heart truly wants to be. For I know that behind this motive, there is nothing but love. So...am I ready? Probably not, but God is ready and He will use me in His way and in His time!

Let the dreams come....

A Spring Break to Remember...

I want to make sure and remember this spring break for sure. First of all it was the first visitor that I have had while living overseas..so that in itself is exciting. It also though was a week of adventure, rest, sunburns and a cold. I mean how can life get more exciting than that? Regardless I want to write down this fun-filled adventure as I don't want to forget those little details that make a vacation, so fun to remember.

P arrived on a Thursday evening....we had our dinner at Yellow, Yellow...the best little Thai street restaurant this side of the Makong! OKay...so I don't really know what I should say this side of...because Mississippi just doesn't sound right.

Friday was Songkran day at my school...everyone dressed in Traditional Thai clothes. It was great, we didn't have Thai day last year, so this year it was interesting to see the different traditions. The idea is the elders are shown respect to by pouring water on their hands. I need to look up more for the background information, but I do think that the respect that is shown to people that are older than you is to be greatly admired in this country. Too many times as an American I tend to think that I am the smartest and wisest and don't like to listen to those with more years simply because I have a higher education. When the truth is that I should be more willing to listen to those around me especially those that have lived more of life and that the Lord has granted with greater wisdom and knowledge.

Saturday was the beginning of the big adventure day. We got up early to go to Chatachuk Market also known as JJ Market. A huge open air market in Thailand. After shopping around a bit we decided to head to one of the big malls around here to catch a movie. So....we enter the movie theater a few minutes before the movie should start and then all of a sudden this guy comes in speaking Thai and says a long bit of information. All the Thai people get up and leave, leaving the rest of us, who obviously have no idea what he said...(yes I may have lived here f

or almost 2 years, but my Thai is not so great!) Anyways...I turned around and the 20 of us still left in the theater decided to get up...turns out the mall was closing due to the protestors....so what can we do? We go outside and begin to take the BTS (skytrain back to my part of the city) guess what? That is closed, they are only letting a certain number of passengers on and we don't make the cut. So...we go exploring...

And we landed right in the middle of the red shirts...I called a friend to find out how to get home. Except instead of going that direction we walked right down the middle of the protest...this was totally by accident and there were a couple of times when I was a little freaked out, but if I have learned anything in the past 2 years it is that Thai people are kind to foreigners. So at one point this lady grabs my shirt and says, "Please you must go away, please leave, the army is coming." I thought she was kidding but as it turns out probably later on that evening was when everything got worse. I must say that I am so thankful I know Jesus, because even when I do not know it, He is protecting me. I had no idea that 21 people would die and that tensions were rising. It was a sight to behold though that is for sure.

Well after walking around to the Baiyoke where you can see from the 83rd floor all over BKK, we finally got a taxi home. The BTS didn't open so it really was our only option. Never thought I would be so happy to be back at my apartment...but this time for real I was excited.

The next day we are off to Chiang Mai....little did I know that this would be a crazy experience also. So....get to the airport and after my backpack which I was carrying on when through security once, they asked me if they could check it, sure I said. So they checked it then he asked if they could scan it again, also asking me if I had a toy gun in my backpack. To which I replied, "no not that I know of." Yeah so they scanned it and then guess what he takes it back to the table and pulls out a pellet gun from the hidden pocket. Oh, I said that is my student's I had to take it away from him, you can throw it away." Sometimes I am really glad that I live in Thailand and not another country. Yeah...so thanks to that student who had to get that confiscated on the retreat....oh middle schoolers...how I love you!

Make it to Chiang Mai..did I mention that Songkran is the Water Festival, basically a huge water throwing party. You can't go anywhere in Chiang Mai without getting wet. So we went shopping our first night at Walking Street in Chiang Mai. Good thing because otherwise we would have been soaked.

One of my friends had heard of this great Elephant Farm the only Elephant Farm actually the rest are called camps...so off we went for a fun-filled day with the Elephants. It was amazing. We got to check their health, which means making sure that they slept the night before on the ground, seeing if they are sweating, checking their poo and also before you even begin making sure that your elephant wants you to come near her. We got to experience bathing the elephants and riding them through really deep ravines. You can't imagine how amazing it is to sit on top of an elephant and ride it through these ravines. Seriouly can't even begin to describe how amazing our creator is! Just simply in awe of how He has worked elephants to this depth.

I loved being up close and personal with the Elephants...totally amazing.

The next day we got started with Songkran 101....thanks S for making me do it. Totally fun for a day, although the water we dumped on people was from the river...in the middle of town, not totally for sure what that entails!

So....headed back to BKK for the night and then onto Southern Thailand where we experienced Tropical Paradise, although it was a little more expensive than I thought, but well worth it! I managed to get a sunburn and a cold all in one day...

Anyways....pics to come soon, I want to use the ones on my camera...but it was great times!

As I ponder some more about fasting

This is the season to think upon what Jesus' death meant, but even more what it meant that He rose and I can follow Him and know Him today. This past Monday evening I celebrated my first Seder/Passover meal. It was really great! I forgot to take pictures, and am hoping that I can get a hold of some, but for now my thoughts will just have to do.

Anyways I think what struck me is the symbolism behind it all. I often get so wrapped up in my life that Easter comes and goes without me really taking time to reflect what it truly means. To reflect on Jesus' sacrifice, His pain and suffering. To reflect on what He did for me. Why is it so hard for me to just relax and reflect? I keep coming back to this question. My life is about myself most of the time, this is why. Sure, I talk a good talk and can even most of the time fool myself into believing that I am doing it right and have everything perfect. The truth is that I am far from it. I say things that I don't mean, I am sarcastic, and I do not take the time to listen and get to know Jesus.

As this Sunday approaches I get to finish with my lent fasting and go back to checking facebook again. In a way I am a little bit sad by this. I have enjoyed my facebook free life. It has been a struggle though, as I feel like I have no idea what is going on in the outside world. I feel like I have lost touch with my friends, what did people do before facebook when they lived overseas? :) I am though coming back with a different perspective. Before I fasted from facebook I was checking it at least 3 times a day. Usually once when I first got up and then right before I would leave school. It has this hold on me. Well....I think that I am going to be okay if I even skip some days here and there of not checking it. I was talking to a three year old, she might be four I am unsure, anyways she was talking to me about how she was fasting from gum. Well it was just so amazing because she brought it up and it seems like a weird thing to have a 3 year old tell you she is fasting from something but it was amazing. She pointed out (sort of directed by her Mom) something to me and made me realize. I think the focus of fasting, well I sort of missed it. The focus of fasting is discipline but more than that it is crying out to God when you just can't handle saying no to the temptation of giving in to what you gave up. That is the part that I have missed. Getting on my knees and begging for the Lord to bring me through the temptation.

He has the power, I don't...and yet I think that I do.


So in these next few days, as I know the temptation will continue to grow strong, I am going to seek Him and beg Him to not let me fail. But if I do not fail it is not going to be because I am disciplined enough, but because He is gracious enough not to let me fail.