Missing them so much

Tonight it just occurred to me that when I go home I will not be seeing my Grandparents. I have been on a cycle of ups and downs the past week. Realizing that in one month I will be driving from California to Missouri. I will be in the states seeing friends and family that I haven't seen for a year. I am excited...I am really having a whole two months off. But there is this underlying fear. Fear of what I have to deal with when I get there. For one thing when I left, I left all my stuff in California in hopes of a relationship. A relationship that I knew was going nowhere but still I left hope for it. So...along with my car I am driving my stuff back "home." Home is such a strange word to me for I call Missouri home but I am not sure it really is. No matter what though I am going back a different person. Someone stronger in some ways, but also more humble as well. For I have learned in this culture that sometimes you have to just wait. It is not just the culture but I think it is what God has been teaching me this year. So as I prepare to visit home I think upon what I need to face. I need to face people that I may not agree with. I need to face saying good-bye to my Grandparents. Letting them go..not forgetting them, but just letting them go. I think that might be the hardest thing I face this summer. I don't want to go to that house and see them not there. I don't want to experience walking the back 40 without them, but I know that I must. For I have to love the memories and love the part of me that is them but I must press on. I can't get caught in that, but if I do not go forth and deal with this then it will just keep being there. So....I must face it.

In some ways I feel like I am leaving my home to go visit...because although sometimes living here makes me want to scream it has become a part of me. I love it and long to just learn more and more. I thank God for this opportunity and just keep pressing on!!!