Whew...it has been a year!

I just got done reading through my posts from last March. Wow! It has been quite a year. I was at a completely different place last year at this time. It is amazing to me though that I can see the change that the Lord was beginning to build into my heart and my life. I have a deeper passion and desire to know Him more, one that continues to build the more I seek and the longer I am here. I am not sure if it is being in Thailand, or if it is just getting older and realizing what really matters isn't really being popular or what eveyone else thinks. What really matters is keeping my eyes focused on the cross.

Last night I was talking with A about coming to Thailand 2 years ago. I mean it has almost been 2 school years......I can hardly believe it has gone so quickly. When I think about the person that I was when I first came and who I have been transformed into now...well I can't help but be overwhelmed with how good God is. There has been a lot of pain and hurt along the way...a lot of letting go and even more of hanging on. The hanging on though wasn't to the people or things that I thought it would be. In most cases it was hanging on to Jesus, to His truth and light. Stepping back away from the things that I had been accustomed to hang on to and realizing that my life is about Him, nothing else.

Two years ago I based my decisions and my depth on those that surrounded me. My relationship with God was beginning to be deep on its own, but it still wasn't really my own relationship. I was leaning a lot on circumstances and people that just weren't doing it for me. Not to say they weren't great people, worthy people, but I realize now that God does have to take people away from you sometimes. Even though the hurt and pain is so great you are sometimes blinded by the good that it brings. I think that is what has had to happen with me many different times. It is always hard to handle, but you know it is always for the best. In the midst of tough situations, we open up our hearts and eyes to see Him, to seek Him and to know Him more.

I am a little scared by how quickly my life is passing me by. I think that the unknown is what scares me but also gives me some excitement. I know that I will be in Thailand for one more year, but after that...well I am not so sure. Maybe more time here in this place that needs to hear about His love so much, or maybe He will move me on.

I do know that I need to continue to reflect and ponder what I am learning. Even in the midst of tough situations He is faithful and He is good. That is one thing I can say that I have learned in the past two years. To keep faithful despite the circumstances that surround me. So even tonight as demonstrations continue and move forward, I will know that these circumstances are of the World. I do not fear because He has victory and He is near.

Fasting from facebook and so much more!

I have to admit that I have checked my facebook 3 times since my fast started. So I guess in a way I have failed my fast, but at the same time each time I only stayed on for about 1 minute, so in a way I am still fasting. Yeah, but not really. So I am starting over as of right now no facebook till Easter. For real this time....ahhhh human wants and desires they drive me crazy! Each time though I have felt guilty and realized that I need to be sincere in what I am saying and doing. This fasting from facebook when the country I am living in is in them middle of huge political demonstrations...well it makes things a little tough. I am safe, and did get the day off of school. It was nice and for once I think I am prepared for this coming week. That is simply amazing! Even still as I was out and about today, I was trying to really look at the people. Look in their eyes. I am not sure that I can explain it but I am going to try....


If you only knew...

If you only knew what I see when I look at you,
tears fill my eyes as I look into yours and see the emptiness

I see the despair and the searching
the unknown in your rituals and smiles.

When I look at you, I want to just touch you
to give you a piece of my heart, to say you really do have a part

There is pain in your eyes today,
you try to hide it but you just can't make that mask last

It is coming down, the tears are dissolving it and making it mush,
that mask, it was your stronghold, what you leaned against.

Don't let it mold together again, to hide what you really feel,
the emotions that have been locked up for so long.

You have been searching and waiting,
now here it is, what you have been looking for.

Are you going to hide,
are you going to let everything continue to be locked up inside?

It means nothing, what you have spent so long giving in to,
it brings nothing, can't you see?

This road that you are on, it is going to lead you to the place you don't belong,
it is dark and scary, there is not light.

If only you could see what I see,
then your joy might be complete.

I see the reason you were born, I see the truth in this storm
You were made for something more.

My eyes they see you, my heart wants you to know.
The emptiness can be filled, just grasp what you know the truth, the light
and you will fill that emptiness in your eyes.

In the midst of waiting.....

Right now Thailand especially BKK is in the waiting period. There are supposedly thousands of protestors "red shirts" headed this direction. Now at the beginning of all this drama I was thinking it just seemed like all the times before, yet this somehow feels different. It seems that everything before has been building up to this weekend.

Pondering what this means. To the people fighting for what they believe in. This man who seems to be leading from out of the country, kind of amazes me. I don't know that I can ever say Thai people aren't passionate about a cause. I think no matter what side of the conflict they are on it shows they are passionate people.

It makes me realize if that passion could be directed to the ONE who really matters, how much this country would change. Well how much any country would change for that matter. When I think about the driving force behind each of us, I have to wonder if we really know what it is we are fighting for?

We are sometimes, at least I think lost in this battle. We fight and fight, only to realize that we were either
A: fighting for the wrong cause or
B: fighting by our own means (when all along someone was standing right next to us ready to lead, to gain control if we just let Him.)

I find myself too often standing in the middle of the battle only to find out that it is the wrong battle. The battle isn't in the people that I come in contact with everyday. The battle is inside myself. The reason I see people in a negative way, or think they are annoying me. Well, it has to do with what is inside of me. For if I was looking at those around me and seeing them the way Jesus does then the battle would cease to exist. If I was truly so in tune with Jesus that He was the author of my every thought, then nothing would be left of myself, of my human desires.

I guess what I am saying is this. The conflict going on right now has reminded me that God is in control. No matter what types of things are happening, the peace I have and live by is not a peace like the world has or wants. It goes far beyond that to the depth of being a part of who Jesus is. For Jesus has already won the victory. If I am seeking to win His way, then I too have the Victory for I have it through Him.

My thoughts and mind are going to always be there, struggling on the inside to not let those human desires take over. I take courage though and confidence in the fact that Jesus is there, as the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me. When I make mistakes, well that is just part of it, right? I think it just depends what I do with those mistakes and where I go from here. Waiting for His return, but while I wait...I'm going to wait in Him.

A note about SALT

Last week was our SALT trip. We took 3 day trips to various places around BKK. The one that hit me the most was the last day when we went to serve at an Elderly Home. It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. To see 6th graders step out of their comfort zones and give. Just by being friends and by holding conversations. They did such an awesome job. It reminded me of pure love. The love that we are supposed to have for those around us. The love that sees nothing but a person...God's creation.

I mean these are 6th graders. It was so cool to listen to them talk about compassion and finally understand how to put that into action. I think it reminded me to step outside of myself. That even though I am an adult there are things I do not want to do. Things that are outside of my comfort zone. Yet...God is calling me to do them.

So Lord here I am letting go of the things that I should have let go of years ago. Looking forward to a future that is in your hands and welcoming the new trials and beginnings of friendships that are sure to come.

Thankful for the people that I am meeting along the way and how they have changed me, molded me and showed me how to have a closer walk with my God. How wonderful it is when we meet those people that draw us closer to the Father rather than tear us away.

Some Things I learned this week...

I am a control freak

I really like leading things.

When I lead, I lead emotionally which is not the best way. I am going to work on this.

I really would like to be in full-time ministry either running an orphanage or children's ministry somewhere. If only my bills wouldn't get in the way.

I think my career path is changing.

I would like to finish my book by the end of the summer.

Leading is influencing others, but in order to be a good leader you have to know what your strengths are and the strengths of the people you are leading.

My strengths: Organization, planning, teaching

People come into our lives for seasons and reasons. Sometimes it is really hard to see those seasons end, but you know what there will only be ONE season in heaven and it will be the forever season. I can't wait for that season to come!

Letting go is the best form of love.

God's promises are True and will come to completion in the right season.