Christmas 2008

I can't believe that Christmas has come and gone. It seems like this year has flown by so quick. When I think about last Christmas and what a different time in my life it was, I just feel completley blessed. For last year at this time I was in a very difficult place. I had no money, I had no understanding of my future, I had relationships that were causing me major confusion and grief. And now....well I have none of that. Granted I am still struggling in areas, but I think for the first time in a long time I am completely content with where I am and what the Lord has called me to do.

On Christmas Eve I was able to go to the prison an hour and a half away with my church. We were able to just share the love of Jesus and I think it was the best Christmas Eve I have ever had. I love my family, but this was different. It was seeing first hand people that just needed to know that they were loved. The faces, the joy they had when we handed them their gifts or when they were talked to, as normal human beings. It was something real. It was something unselfish, something beyond anything that I have ever known. As our time at the prison closed I just got this overwhelming sense of pain and suffering. I just wanted to be able to speak in Thai, in order to say just how much they were loved by the Only One that matters- Jesus. Instead I talked to one lady in particular her name was Cat. The conversation was very difficult as I spoke very little Thai and she spoke very little English. I must say though that I felt her needs I felt and saw the hurt and pain inside of her. I left feeling the burden for these people that the Lord must feel for everyone of His children.

A Servant's Heart

A Servant’s Heart

There are so many thoughts that are in my mind,

Just waiting to take over and bring me to a place of imagery.

A servant’s heart is what she had, giving and giving to overflowing,

It didn’t matter where she was or what she did, it was with her whole heart.

As I wake up from this dream, I want to reach out and touch her one more time,

To feel her hug and to hold her close and let her know just how much I care.

But that was not His plan,

He wanted her with him to be forever.

She was my Grandma but more than that she was my friend,

She taught me to love the Lord.

She taught me to see His creation in the deer, the fish and the flowers.

As I look at these things I will remember her and the Lord’s love for them that shone through her.

She never gave up on life, on people or on hope.

She served her husband of 60 years everyday of her life.

She gave up so much and found joy in the simple things,

She loved and for that she was loved.

My Grandma was a woman who feared the Lord,

For that she will be admired and held close until once again I see her.

But until I do I will live my life the way she would have, with continued hope in the Lord, and continued growth in knowledge of Him and the love that He pours out on others.

Christmas Time is Here!

It is December....that means it is Christmas time. Our verse to memorize is found in Luke 1:30, "And the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold you will conceive in your womb and you will bear a son, and you will call his name Jesus."

Funny how putting up a Christmas tree and decorating my door can bring back so many memories and thoughts. A couple of years ago, well maybe more like three years ago was when the movie came out that depicted the Christmas story. But it is more than a story it is a celebration of Jesus' birth. Maybe it is the fact that every Christmas we used to have the Lord's supper, or when we would drive around and look at Christmas lights downtown. I remember thinking how boring it all was and wondering the purposes behind some of the things that my parents did. But now I am so thankful. I am thankful for the Christmas mornings that I woke up to the smell of food cooking and my Grandparent's laughter. I am thankful for the football games that I got to watch and the time spent with cousins getting into trouble. Mostly though I am thankful that I grew up in a home where I could learn about Jesus. All too often I find myself becoming ashamed that I am a Christian and scared to truly stand up for what I believe in. But this is the time of year when the reason to celebrate can get lost in the tree decorating and the present giving. So I want to stop right now and just recognize this season for what it is. Celebrating a Savior. Celebrating a birthday that without it, I would be doomed to a life without the Lord.

It didn't really occur to me until today how much loss I have had this past year. My Uncle was killed in a car accident almost a year ago, my Grandpa passed away two months after that and then my other Uncle two months after that. My Grandma is now very sick and I am unsure if she has too much longer. It has only been a year but so much has changed. That makes me all the more aware of what I do have and need to enjoy. I am not sure what the next year will bring. No one knows, but I know one thing for sure. The birth of Jesus truly is the only thing that is worthy of my attention right now. His name shall be called Jesus and "he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there shall be no end."

Yes, no end to His kingdom for that I am certain!

My Grandma...

My Grandma is in the hospital, she had a stroke. It makes me really sad to know that I can't be there with her right now. She has been a constant in my life. One of the people that I have counted on and been able to talk to. I always stopped by their little house in the woods on my way to and from college. I stayed there while I was student teaching. When I think about going home to Missouri, it is not either of my parent's houses that I think about it is my Grandparents. It was weird enough going back this summer and my Grandpa not being there, but to go back in June when I get done teaching and not have her there, I am not sure my heart can take it. I am not sure that I can even think of Missouri without her. The red barn, the purple chicken house. The way that she put plastic bags on her shoes to go to my Grandpa's funeral so she wouldn't get her shoes muddy. When I think back to my childhood and growing up some of my fondest memories are the ones I spent with my cousins at my Grandparents house. I know that it is a process and I know that she is not gone yet, but part of me just wants to be there. To hold her hand and tell her that I love her and that I am so sorry that I am living in another country. That I wish I could just be there to take care of her and help her to not be so lonely. So for now I have to remember the good things because if I don't then the sadness is going to overwhelm me to a point of nothingness. So I will remember:

*early morning garage sales
*Cedarcrest camp
*pancakes shaped like bears, turtles and all sorts of things
*watching old family videos the night before my Grandpa's funeral
*taking my friends for fun fall pictures on the old tractor
*going deer spying out back
*driving the tractor
*driving the golf cart
*the one time that I picked poison oak and thought it was a pretty flower and my Grandma freaking out and making me wash my hands like 10 times.
*raking up leaves and jumping in the piles
*going out to feed the chickens
*watching chicks grow up in my Grandma's home made incubator
*my favorite doll Tamona...not sure where I got that name but Tamona was real!
*riding with my Grandparents to Michigan on various occasions...the last time when my cousin got married. Oh man...something I will never forget!
*the hugs
*the cake drawer
*being forbidden to go upstairs on numerous occasions
*the back room before it became what it is today
*dumbrasky
*peewee that I didn't even know was pee wee until months later (it is a red bird)
*picking blackberries
*going fishing
*going to visit the relatives and playing in the corn
*swinging on the tree
*pumpkin pie with crust on top
*deer season
*buckeyes
*walking to the bridge
*getting the mail in the golf cart
*glitter on the floor
*just hanging out and listening to stories of growing up
*watching Wizard of Oz
*going to church and knowing that my Grandparents loved Jesus


Wow! The list seems longer than I thought, but I think it has helped me and when I think about my life. I am so thankful for my Grandparents for they were truly some of those people that shaped me into who I am today. For that I am so grateful. I love them so much.

November....Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I have decided to do monthly letters instead of newsletters. It is just too hard to format it correctly because so many different people have so many different programs. So I will be writing a lot and then hopefully attaching a couple of pictures. This way you all can see what is going on in my life.

First I want to start with saying how Thankful I am for each one of you and what an amazing part of my life you are. It is funny to think back to a year ago at this time. I really didn't know that I would be in Thailand. In fact it was one year ago that I went to ACSI and thought I would be going to Budapest this year. How the Lord changes thing. I am glad that I do not have to rely on having control of everything, you know?????

It is Thanksgiving...I had to work. We got a week of in October instead of Thanksgiving off. Which I guess I am pretty excited about since I was able to go to Malaysia, but it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. I can remember last year when I spent the day at Kathi's that was so much fun. I think that was the best food...maybe not ever but it was pretty good. Just being able to spend time with a family. Tonight I will be having Thanksgiving with a bunch of the single people from my school. I am actually pretty excited about it. Although we do not have Turkey in Thailand so it is Thanksgiving chicken for us. Although if you close your eyes really tight you can pretend that it is turkey ;). As I ponder over the past, present and future I realize that I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. So here is my list, in no particular order....

*Being born in America
*Being born in a Christian home and the Lord calling me into a relationship with him when I was 6
*the Lord's forgiveness when I have been the rebelling sinner that I am
*A heart for other countries and people groups
*A call to live overseas
*My family
*My friends in California, Missouri, Colorado, Africa, Egypt and all over the world!
*The church families that the Lord has brought me to over the years
*Being a teacher
*being loved
*being wanted
*being needed
*communication (phone, internet or snail mail)
*the skytrain
*transportation
*airports that don't close down
*sleep
*cameras
*memories
*the people I have met that I have had to say good-bye to
*the people that have challenged me to love the Lord more deeply
*Life
*freedom
*forgiveness
*mercy
*grace
*protection
*cards
*elephants
*hospitality
*shelter
*food
*clothing
*water
*a school building
*love
*My Savior

I know that there is so much more I could add to this list, but I am truly just so thankful for what the Lord has brought me. When I thought today about the fact that if something as horrible as a civil war were to break out (which I highly doubt this will happen), but if it does I would be so sad. I love Thailand. I love the people. I love my job. I love the staff here. I am so very thankful to be able to serve the Lord here and just be stretched and used.

So I guess this letter is more just to say how thankful I am, after all that is what today is all about, right! More updates soon. !

love ya
Tawnya

1 Peter 4:8

Thoughts on life...

I really am unsure of what I even want to say in this blog. But those are sometimes the best blogs after all. I didn't go to church today. Not because I just didn't want to but because I felt the need to reflect on some things. One being the reason I am here. Not necessarily the reason I am alive, but the reason behind me being here in Thailand, in Bangna, going to the church that I go to and interacting with the people that I do. One of those reasons is to serve. Now serving is something that I feel has gotten mixed up in so many people's minds. Do I have to be at my wits end because I am serving so much. I do not think so but I at least want to feel needed within my church family. Right now I don't. I think back to the last couple of churches that I was a part of and I know that I was involved. When you have to plan ahead what your last Sunday is going to be so they can find a replacement...well that is pretty involved. Now does that make me better than the person that just comes and sits in the back row absorbing everything because they are still trying to grasp this whole "church" concept? No it doesn't, I guess all that I am trying to say here is that I do not want to go to a church that I can't serve in. Because I believe that we were called to serve. So as I reflect on this I have to wonder how does on really go about knowing where the Lord wants them and what he wants them to be doing? Sometimes I know exactly and then other times I just don't.

Take for instance a couple of friendships that I have had over the years. I was praying about them everyday. I thought the Lord was calling me to those friendships. Now what is left of those friendships is nothing but trace of who I used to be when I was friends with them. Maybe that is not all bad for we do learn from others and thus the reason behind knowing so many different people. But admist that knowledge I also just do not understand how things went wrong. Was it I that should have tried harder? Did I mistake the lack of communication as just a lack of time and therefore I was then one who gave it up. Did I think that they had no more time for me because of a marriage or dating relationship and therefore I caused that person to withdraw? I do not know. I just know that I thought for sure in the midst of those relationships that I was in the middle of God's will. Only for them to end in hurt and heartache, something I can't quite grasp if that comes from the Lord. For through it I did grow closer and yet I am still questionable as to the benefits of it.

Yesterday I once again spent five hours at a family's house while the husband went to go do lesson plans at school. It was in the middle of the conversation that the Mother of the house claimed that she wished she had the opportunity that I was having before she became a mother. You know being able to spend time with a family and see the ups and downs of motherhood. The labor that it takes, the compromise and ofcourse the lack of sleep. As much as I love kids, I do understand just how much work it takes for them. It is really good for me to just be in the midst of this family. Being able to help them and get some ideas if the Lord should happen to grant me a family of my own one day.

I guess today was just a bit of rambling...well I am okay with that. For what is life without a little bit of rambling?

A day to start off the weekend...

Today was Friday...well it still is actually for people in the states. For me though it is Saturday morning and I really should be getting ready for bed. It just occurred to me though how depressing my blogs have been lately. So I decided why not write a little bit of a happier note for this week. Next week is our last full week of school before Christmas break. I can't believe that the school year is almost half way over. It is simply amazing to me to think about what the Lord has done this semester all ready and what he is going to do.

Tonight I played cards with 3 friends. It was so much fun, just to laugh and get in that competitive card mode....you know the mode that you think everyone has but really I didn't realize just how competitive I really am. I think what hits me the most is the complete ease I feel around people that I have known for almost 5 months. There is just something there. Even though I do not talk to every single person everyday there is a connection and a respect that you do not find in all places. I am thankful for the encouragement and just the times of fun. For I do have fun.

Today was Bible day. I happened to love Fridays for that very reason. I am doing outlines of every book in the Bible with my students. Although it may seem a little boring, I still think that it is a firm foundation. For they truly need to know and understand what it is that they are believing or not believing. I realized that if I had that when I was in 6th grade, I might know a lot more. Although it is not just about head knowledge. But the more you know the more you can obey, right?

Tomorrow I go over to help a family with their kids. There are four girls the youngest one was born two weeks ago. Such a sweet family. Last week we walked to the store and it was just fun to be around them and getting to hold the baby.

I guess that life is good after all. Here I am in the midst of adventure and all I can do is complain at the things I have no control over. So I am going to stop that, because in the end it is not worth it at all to complain. I must see things through God's view.

Letting go...finally

I thought I had already reached this point,
The point of letting go completely.

I thought that I had laid it down,
at the altar of his feet.

Only to realize that just as I laid it down,
and turned to walk away.

I think that I picked it up again,
or never let it go in the first place.

Here I am on my knees,
crying out to a God who sees.

Wondering if things were really this clear,
and I just made them so much more difficult to bare.

As I look around I wonder out loud,
"Why does this keep happening? When will I ever learn?"

Learning is a process, one in which I still do not completely understand,
but I know that I am still engraved on the palm of His hand.

For I know that as I turn around,
to look at the altar I just left.

I do not have to lay it down on my own,
for if I just hold out my hands, there He is to take it into His own.

That is what the problem is, my gaze it didn't stay focused,
Instead of turning my eyes to meet his, I was looking all around for the answers.

Looking around and wanting to fill that void that had been left so long ago,
Left by people that are sinful and human, they just do not seem to know.

They do not know how much they hurt me, by the words that were said.
They do not know how much pain they caused with those shouts of proclamation in my head.

For now I must decide where I want to look.
Do I turn and run away, not facing what might be at stake.

Or do I turn to face the cross, where a life was laid
A life that was taken for all that is wrong and the sin that had to be paid.

For now I must move forward and realize the cost,
As we grow, we must sacrifice that which is not leading to the cross.

For today and this time I lay it down again,
but it is not by my own strength but by the Power of my Friend!

I am just a person, a simple human being.
My feelings are a part of me, as awful as they may seem.

I love and hurt, the same as Jesus did,
But the difference is He took it all upon Him.

So I would not have to die, the awful pain He did,
but I could live in Salvation of knowing Life And Being Full in Christ.

As I close my thoughts today,
I have to leave the pain.

For if I do not say good-bye
Then I will not be able to be complete in Him.

listening to the fireworks...

So tonight is a festival here. It is a famous festival and although I do not know all the details I do know that there were plenty of people celebrating by putting boats out into the water that had candles on them. Now you might think that is amazing...that would be a really cool thing to see. I do think that it would have been fun. I did not spend the night enjoying this festival though. Instead I spent the night listening to the fireworks and loud music from inside my apartment wondering when it was going to stop so that I could go to sleep. As I ponder what my life means right now and just exactly what all I am learning in the midst of it I go back to the loud music. Here I am allowing the noises and distractions of the world drown out what I should really be paying attention to. Once again my life is so focused on what I can't do (sleep) that I forget to be thankful for what I do have (a bed) and what those sounds aren't (bombs or gunshots) even though they may sound like it! So as I ponder what it means to some of these people to stick this boat into the water...it makes me wonder....how do you believe that a boat with a candle is going to do anything for a spirit? I do not understand. Maybe I need to look into the logistics behind this a little bit more before I start judging. Because reality I probably shouldn't be judging at all.

It just seems to me that there are so many things in this life that seem simple. LIke the evidence that points to a creator of the world. How can you argue against there being one true creator and Lord. I look at my students and the staff that surround me and I see the differences. I am currently working with someone who hates me. Really truly hates me. Now what I did to this man I am unsure. It still floors me that you can hate someone that much that even when they say hi to you, you give them the worst look ever.

So what does this say to me as a Christian working with Christians...well I want to judge and say how could you be so mean. But in reality we live in a fallen world. Even though I claim Jesus, much of what I do and say is not like him at all. So what do I do? Press on....for when I am hated well that is when I am not shining but He is shining through me.

I guess this blog wasn't a lot. Hopefully I will have more. The music and fireworks have stopped I think...maybe now I can get some sleep!

On Monday of this week, I had pretty much the worst day ever but it also turned out to be one of the best days. For I was the object of 6th grade boys ridicule. You would think that after 6th grade there would be no more of that, but that is the wrong assumption. For my 6th graders wrote a song about me and then spread it around. So nice for someone who jumped from teaching Kindergarten to 6th grade? Well actually it was just one boy and he was the one spreading it around. To make a long story short some boys came to apologize for things that I didn't even know that they had done and I think they did it on their own. So the Lord truly is working but it made for a rough day that is for sure.

It just seems to be that there is such a battle going on. I know that I can't win it on my own. I know that I do not even have to try but then everyday I am fighting these forces that are just against me. Everyday I am forced to realize that my life is here and I need to make the most of it but sometimes I just don't know how.

I'm done

I am so done.
Done with trying.
Done with putting forth the effort of being a friend to someone so far away.
Done with trying to understand why you can't just pick up the phone or write a line or two.
Done with understanding why it is I think God is telling me one thing and you another.
Done with believing that something good comes out of everything.
Done with thinking that there is a "perfect" plan for everyone's life.
Done with thinking there is a "perfect person" for everyone's life.
Done with being positive all the time.
Done with pretending that I love it here.
Done with pretending that I have everything figured out.
Done with being so far away.
Done with people I love going away.
Done with sickness.
Done with heartache.
Done with anger.
Done with frustration.
I am just Done.

things that make me sad...

*people that do not answer the phone after they specifically said they would
*not really understanding if I am making the right choices or not
*being alone
*6th grade boys
*failure
*distraction
*not enough time

Things that make me smile...

*reading a good friend's blog
*thinking that God created me to be here during this time
*6th graders climbing chairs to put posters on my walls
*6th graders in general
*pineapple pills
*road trips to colorado
*flying to colorado
*Mint
*burning letters
*friends that I burn letters with
*thursday nights
*waking up in the morning and realizing that I have no idea where my life is going
*waking up in the morning and realizing that I am following the One true Lord of All
*being in California
*seeing Palm Trees
*seeing elephants
*islands
*the beach
*people at the beach
*passing out lunches
*stories that start out with...this one time a long time ago...
*my family
*real letters
*dryer sheets
*cheezits
*granola bars
*chocolate chip cookies
*ovens
*the best hug I have ever had
*hugs in general
*knowing that I can never go anywhere and be out of God's presence!

Not sure what true wisdom and discernment is

There I was on an island for a week staring out at the beautiful sea. Not really having a care in the world other than whether a storm was going to blow in or not to mess up my thoughts and time out in the sunshine. But truly the island I think is what saved me. It saved me from going into a deep depression and from seeing the world through my own eyes. For really and truly it is not about me at all. This past week went so fast. I am not even sure what all happened or how it just disappeared before my very eyes. Isn't it though so amazing how just when we are at the end of our rope the Lord gives us a push and just lets us breeze by. For I thought coming back from vacation was going to be so tough and I just wasn't going to have the energy or patience to handle attitudes that 6th graders sometimes have. The truth is that it was a really good week. Besides a couple of kids that really pushed my buttons far beyond what I would have liked it was geniunely very good.

Here is where my title of this blog comes in though. There are some things going on in my life right now that I just do not understand. Relationships that I thought were going one way and then it seems they are going another. My thoughts about my job keep flipping back and forth. Do I teach science for another year or doing something that I feel like I would be better at? How do I truly discern what is the Lord and what is just my own thoughts and feelings. As I think back to the surroundings of the Malaysian beach I am in awe of how the Lord spoke to me. It wasn't through this audible voice but just knowledge of what he was saying. What happens though when he is silent? I am unsure of how to get the answers when what I am hearing is nothing. I understand that I am just supposed to wait. But I am sort of tired of waiting. What do I do when I really just want to know. Wait....

So discerning from His wisdom and human wisdom I think might be one of those mysteries that I continue to ask as my life proceeds. For I am truly unsure of what or where He is speaking. All I can do for now I guess is wait and listen....

Top Ten things I miss...

#10 Driving my car

#9 Smelling goats and horses as I drive onto the dusty dirty ranch

#8 hugs

#7 the beach

#6 Disneyland and Balboa Park random adventures

#5 Taking walks with a black lab

#4 Carne Asada Burritos and the Walkers

#3 Calling my friends anytime I want and it is relatively in the same time zone

#2 Cooking dinner for the boys

#1 Fall weather, pumpkins, leaves changing colors, sweatshirts, hay rides, mazes, pumpkin pie and the Mississippi River

My weekends in Bangkok

So I have to say for the first few weeks here I was trying to do school work and be the perfect teacher. Then I found out what life is like in a big city. For instance last weekend we took this bus up to the Benjarong Factories where they have hand painted items. I have enclosed a couple of photos. It was simply amazing. I never would have imagined it. It was also just a time to hang out. Then we went to the floating market. Only it wasn't the regular touristy one it was just a normal one. But it was what I have been waiting my whole time here to see. It was simply amazing. I am not sure that I could even explain it in words. I will try though. Walking down the river it is just amazing because you see boats with tons of stuff in them. They are selling things out of the boats. It is picture perfect Thailand. I do not know if I have mentioned but the people here really do smile a lot. I feel though that there are a lot of things hidden behind those smiles. If I could just talk with them I feel like I could learn a lot more. The highlight was ofcourse the pottery but I also got 1 kilo of starfruit for the equivalent of $1.00. yep that is right. I was excited. Okay enough for now about this anyways!

Gentiles are fellow heirs....

Looking at Ephesians 4 today. I realized that this statement "Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise of Christ Jesus through the Gospel." It just makes me amazed because it is totally true. We are heirs, we as Christians have so much to be thankful for and yet I spend my days focused on the temporary. Focused on the "things" that this world has to offer. When in reality it means nothing. We are also called to "walk with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, maintaining the Unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Now what does this mean the Unity of the Spirit. The past few days I have been thinking about this a lot. Obviously we are all at a different place and we all have different gifts from the Lord but we are still called to unity. This unity it will not be separated by secrets or gossip. This unity will completely pass everything that we have ever known. It makes me so sad to think how many Christians are out there just living in the life that judges and gives up on people. I know I am one of them. I have a really hard time with trust and forgiveness. Especially when I do not feel that I have deserved to be treated the way that I was. But this verse it calls me to reach beyond my feelings. It calls me to live in the Spirit. To love others more than myself. What does that look like? Not thinking of myself. How hard is that. Yet that is what Christ did and if my sole purpose on earth is to be like Christ then I better start doing a better job of loving others. Love....like Christ what a concept!

Life in the fast lane

As I sit here getting ready to type what should have been an update a few weeks ago, I just can't seem to wrap my mind over everything that has been going on here. Coming to Thailand was such a step but then it just was right....it just felt right. Tough but right. Then when I got here I was surrounded by people that I thought were very strong in the Lord and their faith. Not saying that they are not but I have come to realize in the past couple of days that things aren't always what you seem. I have also come to realize just how much we change when we meet "the one." Don't worry you didn't miss anything it is not me. However I have realized just how many relationships have been disrupted by this realization of the other person meeting "the one." Why does it always cause pain amongst friends. Maybe it is my problem, maybe I am the one that just can't handle it. But then I have to think that really it is not just me, right? I mean hiding relationships is not really the way they should start, right? I don't know but I just have to believe that the Lord is trying to teach me something in this. So I am going to keep searching and praying...meanwhile I wait!

Just some pictures...

Middle School Olympics

So this is my homeroom class. Today we had middle school olympics and my kids won the relay race for sixth grade! We had four representatives for our class and let me tell you they did great. We also had a cheer. We were the Super Rivers from Chinartica!!!! Today was one of those days that was full. Full of the love of the Lord full of fun and laughter and trying to get everything done that I have to teach but realizing that it is not going to get done like I thought and truly being okay with that. I am really just amazed everyday that He has brought me to this place and allowed me to teach these kids. They are so eager and amazing! I really just love being around them. So I will hopefully have pictures up of the actual olympics, we had shirts made and everything, it is great!

Happy 27th Birthday!

Yes, that's right I am now 27....it seems like just a few days ago I was freaking out about turning 25, but really it has been three years. A lot has happened during this time. A lot of friendships a lot of growing and a lot of learning. I think that I had the most fun I have ever had this year on my birthday. I can't even describe how amazed I am by the people teh Lord has put in my path. We went to Sizzler which is completely the best salad bar in Thailand. You may not know how awesome it is to have a salad bar but trust me they are hard to come by. I could have just gotten that and been satisfied. Then we went to go downtown to see the city from the tallest building in Bangkok. They have a rotating walkway so you can stand and see all around the city. I am just so amazed and so blessed. It just reminds me how many people are in this place and how much they need the truth. After that we went to a famous place downtown. It was more famous for all the drinking and other stuff that goes on down there. It was a little sad to me to realize how unhappy life can be for some. I mean I have had my times of thinking that was fun, but I have come to a realization in the past few weeks. It is not about what the world thinks is fun. It is about the Lord, just true worship of heart and soul for Him alone.

I have been living in a life that is claiming to be souled out for Jesus, but has been sending mixed signals and messages. If I am truly abiding in Him as John 15 says then all that I do and all that I say will be of God. There will not be a moment that passes by in the day that I am not thinking of Him and meditating on His word. As much as I want to believe that there are people truly living out the call He has given them, I have to say that I think it has become more about works and what can we do to show everyone that we are a Christian. In reality it should be abiding in Him, spending time in His word and not getting caught up in being so busy that you forget to just rely completely on Him.

Feeling the Spirit and moving into His embrace

It is funny how for the longest time I have thought that my relationship with the Lord was amazing, that is was just so great. I was so intune with His Spirit. I was feeding on His word, living out His commands. Then the past week hit me. I got so sick, the sickest I have been since I was in N. Africa, but really truly it was amazing. I was at a place where I had to decide, am I just okay with living my life mediocre? Am I just okay with going day to day, and the Lord being part of my morning or my evening but not really my everything? Do I really embrace His presence like I say that I do, or do I just pretend and look like it to the outside world.

I got sick last Thursday night. I just figured that it would be over the next day or the day after that. I rested on Saturday, spent time in the word, focusing on Him and prayed with some others. Still, no difference. I knew that He would heal me in His timing. I went to church Sunday morning to a Thai church. It was great besides the constant pain in my stomach. Went home and spent more time in the word. What I didn't realize was that I was reading the word and listening to Him but I wasn't resting in Him or submitting to what He was saying. I was doing all the right things but here He was shouting at me to up my relationship, to come to a deeper more intimate place, where He fills my every need and desire and I was saying, but I have to go to work and I have to get things done and I have to be in control of something. Yes, me the control freak apparently. I never realized that I truly have not given it all to him. Until now...I tried to go to work Monday, didn't listen to God or people speaking for God and I went. I last about 30 minutes and then knew that the Lord was calling me to just spend the day with Him resting.

So I did! It was the best day of my life. I had already started taking medicine for my sickness, but truly it did not start working until I got down on my knees and surrendered everything. Nothing was or is in my control, not my job, not my relationships, not people back home, not my health, nothing. He is in control and I have to be empty in order for him to fill me. Some of you might be thinking that I am crazy, while others are thinking...yes isn't that a no brainer. Well...I thought I had done this before and maybe I have but this time it has gone deeper and more intimate than ever before. When you seek Him...you find Him!

As you can tell...

As you can tell from the pictures my time here has been pretty good. The school is huge and as I look out my window I can see the apartment complex next to us "Parkland." It is also the word we use to tell taxi drivers when they take us home. I am really excited to say that I love it here. From stepping off the plane it has been a completely different feel than N.Africa. I have grown so fond of it actually in just the 5 days since I landed. Taxi drivers actually use meters and most of the taxis around here are hot pink, which I think is just awesome! Our school is big and it just so happens I am on the fourth floor of my school and apartment complex. So that is nice, no elevators I am going to be fit by the time I leave here that is for sure. There are about 15 new people. We have been going on various shopping trips and getting to know one another. It is amazing to hear everyone's stories of how the Lord has brought them here and what he has done in their lives. I am so blessed. There are a couple of teachers who are just starting their first year of teaching. It is nice to have that under my belt. Takes a lot of pressure off. One of our new guys had never thought about coming overseas before, but this is where the Lord wanted him. It definitly takes a lot of faith to stay in a place that is so above your comfort zone.

So far the best thing I have done was Sunday night. Amy and I went to a Thai church. Some of her friends were visiting from Michigan and had hooked up with this church. So we got to go. It was great. I had been praying for the Lord to bring me to a Thai church. There are plenty of English-speaking churches but in order for me to get the full experience I really felt that I needed to be in with the people. I think we are going this Sunday.

The funny thing is I am actually really excited about learning Thai. I want to start now. They are such friendly people and really do cater to foreigners quite a bit. I am impressed also with how much American stuff you can get here. It is pretty much the same, only a little different.

So far my elephant sighting is up to 6. I have yet to take a picture with one but I am hoping to very soon. Life in Thailand is sure to be more exciting as each day goes along!

More on Bangkok...

This is my apartment-floor four! Actually mine is the middle door. It is a really nice apartment. I haven't taken any pictures inside yet because I wanted to be able to finish it up first. The other pictures are of my school. Amy is my next door neighbor. She teaches fourth grade. We went on quite the adventure. Stay tuned for a new blog coming soon!!!!!

More pics

Here are a few pictures around where I live. Well on our way from Central the mall here. Hot pink taxis are everywhere. I know some to my students would have loved them. I also took a picture of the new movies coming out. Yeah for movies. Central not only has a movie theater but also a water park on the top floor. Crazy!

Some pics of Bangkok!

Diana, Amy and I in the back of the school van. It holds like 15 people, or more. One of our many shopping trips this past week!

What this year holds...

I just got done making my apartment look great. Well pretty much. It is a little bare at the moment but I will fix that once I get my budget set up and decide how much money I can spend. Today has been a very much reflective Tawnya kind of day. I didn't really feel much like hanging out with anyone, although it is only 11:00 in the morning but you know whatever. I did want to concentrate on what it is I want to accomplish in the next year. Although my contract is for two years, goals are better to make one year at a time. So as I reflect, pray and seek there is a lot I feel the Lord wants for me and my life. First of all I want to know from a Biblical standpoint what a wife and mother looks like. Not just what our society has allowed us to believe but truly what the Lord says about that union. I think I also need to get a little healthier this year. It might be pretty easy to do since I have to go up four flights of stairs every time I go to my apartment! Good Times! So far I think just obeying and relying on the Lord. What else is there? This blog might be just a bunch of rambling but it makes sense to me.

Missouri and other thoughts

It has been quite the adventure the past couple of weeks. Saying good-bye in Cali and then venturing on to Missouri. I didn't realize just how much I had to do until I was in the midst of it. So many people to see and talk with. It is a little bit overwhelming until I step back and realize that any time even if it is just a small amount is important. Michigan was quite the trip and it is a little sad to me to think how my Grandma is doing right now. Then I remember everything that I can about her and know that I have had really good times. I got to see a lot of family this past week and it reminded me that those are the people that I was around when I was growing up. Although the Lord has called me to Thailand it doesn't take away from the fact that He put those people in my path to help me along the way. More to come...

Fourth of July...

This was the image taken last night at the beach where I was supposed to be watching the fireworks over the ocean. Instead there was just fog. Fog so thick that you couldn't see anything. The whole night I was pretty bummed and even today I have been pretty non-excited about this whole not seeing the fireworks thing. I have been at the library for a little while now and thinking about this just now the Lord has brought a revelation. So here is the thing, last night all I wanted to see was the fireworks and if I could have somehow just seen through the fog I would have been able to take a look at what was on the other side. Instead though I was so preoccupied with the fact that I couldn't see the fireworks that I just complained. When in reality there is nothing that I could do about it. So you are wondering where are you going with this. Even now as I write this I am not sure I totally know. Here is the thing though with moving to another country I just want to be there, I don't want to have to go through the fogs of saying good-bye and leaving because that is the hardest part. But I have to, in order to see what the Lord has for me I have to get through these next two weeks. In the end there are going to be amazing fireworks but I have to wait it out on the beach and get ready to go through some pretty hard changes. I heard on the radio Philippians 1:6 quoted, "being confident of this that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." What I lack right now is confidence. Yes I know that God is in control of everything and yet I sometimes just forget to give him the control. I forget that I have confidence in Him. I am worried about people losing touch with me and not making an impact the way that I should. But I can't get lost in the fog. I have to press on and remember that beyond the fog is a light, the light of Jesus Christ. My job right now is to share that and let His light shine. If I get stuck on the beach with everyone else that can't see through the fog then what am I helping? So I press on because He will complete the work He has for me and I don't have to do it on my own...

Bowling fun!!!

Last night I was able to go bowling with fun people! As I was stopping by the grocery store I ran into two different people that I knew. It is amazing how the Lord allows those little meetings as encouragements along our way. As I left both of those conversations I realized that in a few weeks I will not be able to do that. I remember the first time that I ran into someone at the grocery store that I actually knew and was white when I was in Egypt. It was such a great feeling but it also happened for the first time 3 months before I was supposed to leave. Not that it really matters but that is sort of my way of knowing that I have been in a place for awhile. If I am able to run into people that I know on a continual basis outside of the normal work and church lifestyle. It might not make much sense to anyone else but it does to me. So basically all this rambling to say I am going to miss that. Not saying that the Lord will not allow that to happen because He can, but just there won't be as many people to run into at first.

I also love bowling although I realized how much harder it is for families to do fun stuff like that. I am thankful for my singleness at times much more than I realize. Yet there is also this craving that I have to be that family that takes their kids bowling...

Packing

In a few minutes I am going to go home and once again go through the mountain of stuff I have piled in my room. How do I get to the point where every time I move I realize how much stuff I have. Letting go of it is so hard and yet it is just material. Some of it does have more meaning but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. So as I look to the future I get rid of the past and what might have seemed great to keep 2 years ago, really truly just needs to be let go.

Saying good-bye

Kindergarten graduation was in the middle of June. It is so hard to imagine that they will be in first grade next year. It was an awesome year, with struggles that I could never imagine for me and for them. Yet that last day of school was a sense of accomplishment, for they truly were changed and had faith like children. I was blessed to be a part of their lives, if only for a little while! What a class.

leaving Cali to start something new...

This is first of many blogs I hope to write in the next 2 years. To be able to truly allow myself and anyone interested to grasp and see just what Jesus is doing in the lives of those I come in contact with. I am so very blessed to have lived in California for 3 years now. Even though it has been a crazy ride, I have grown so much in who I am and in what the Lord wants to do through me. I am so thankful for every person, and child that He has brought into my path. Yesterday at church I couldn't stop crying. I do not think that I have ever had to leave a place this way before. When I left Egypt it was only after a year, when I left college I knew that we would stay in touch. Not to say that I won't stay in touch with the people at church but they are really my family. Granted I have only known them for a short time but they are so much a part of me. There is something about being accepted. Not for what you can do for the church, but just for who you are in Christ. I think that is the difference that I have felt in these past 9 months. Just being able to be me. So as I look forward to what comes next, I have to stop and mourn what I am losing. Not because I am going to lose touch but because I know how life can be. Technology is fabulous but it is not the same as being able to stay up watching a late night movie at someone's house, or just dropping by to say hello and it is kind of hard to hug someone from miles away. As I say good-bye I realize just how much I am losing only to gain that much more.