Letting go...finally

I thought I had already reached this point,
The point of letting go completely.

I thought that I had laid it down,
at the altar of his feet.

Only to realize that just as I laid it down,
and turned to walk away.

I think that I picked it up again,
or never let it go in the first place.

Here I am on my knees,
crying out to a God who sees.

Wondering if things were really this clear,
and I just made them so much more difficult to bare.

As I look around I wonder out loud,
"Why does this keep happening? When will I ever learn?"

Learning is a process, one in which I still do not completely understand,
but I know that I am still engraved on the palm of His hand.

For I know that as I turn around,
to look at the altar I just left.

I do not have to lay it down on my own,
for if I just hold out my hands, there He is to take it into His own.

That is what the problem is, my gaze it didn't stay focused,
Instead of turning my eyes to meet his, I was looking all around for the answers.

Looking around and wanting to fill that void that had been left so long ago,
Left by people that are sinful and human, they just do not seem to know.

They do not know how much they hurt me, by the words that were said.
They do not know how much pain they caused with those shouts of proclamation in my head.

For now I must decide where I want to look.
Do I turn and run away, not facing what might be at stake.

Or do I turn to face the cross, where a life was laid
A life that was taken for all that is wrong and the sin that had to be paid.

For now I must move forward and realize the cost,
As we grow, we must sacrifice that which is not leading to the cross.

For today and this time I lay it down again,
but it is not by my own strength but by the Power of my Friend!

I am just a person, a simple human being.
My feelings are a part of me, as awful as they may seem.

I love and hurt, the same as Jesus did,
But the difference is He took it all upon Him.

So I would not have to die, the awful pain He did,
but I could live in Salvation of knowing Life And Being Full in Christ.

As I close my thoughts today,
I have to leave the pain.

For if I do not say good-bye
Then I will not be able to be complete in Him.