Thoughts on life...

I really am unsure of what I even want to say in this blog. But those are sometimes the best blogs after all. I didn't go to church today. Not because I just didn't want to but because I felt the need to reflect on some things. One being the reason I am here. Not necessarily the reason I am alive, but the reason behind me being here in Thailand, in Bangna, going to the church that I go to and interacting with the people that I do. One of those reasons is to serve. Now serving is something that I feel has gotten mixed up in so many people's minds. Do I have to be at my wits end because I am serving so much. I do not think so but I at least want to feel needed within my church family. Right now I don't. I think back to the last couple of churches that I was a part of and I know that I was involved. When you have to plan ahead what your last Sunday is going to be so they can find a replacement...well that is pretty involved. Now does that make me better than the person that just comes and sits in the back row absorbing everything because they are still trying to grasp this whole "church" concept? No it doesn't, I guess all that I am trying to say here is that I do not want to go to a church that I can't serve in. Because I believe that we were called to serve. So as I reflect on this I have to wonder how does on really go about knowing where the Lord wants them and what he wants them to be doing? Sometimes I know exactly and then other times I just don't.

Take for instance a couple of friendships that I have had over the years. I was praying about them everyday. I thought the Lord was calling me to those friendships. Now what is left of those friendships is nothing but trace of who I used to be when I was friends with them. Maybe that is not all bad for we do learn from others and thus the reason behind knowing so many different people. But admist that knowledge I also just do not understand how things went wrong. Was it I that should have tried harder? Did I mistake the lack of communication as just a lack of time and therefore I was then one who gave it up. Did I think that they had no more time for me because of a marriage or dating relationship and therefore I caused that person to withdraw? I do not know. I just know that I thought for sure in the midst of those relationships that I was in the middle of God's will. Only for them to end in hurt and heartache, something I can't quite grasp if that comes from the Lord. For through it I did grow closer and yet I am still questionable as to the benefits of it.

Yesterday I once again spent five hours at a family's house while the husband went to go do lesson plans at school. It was in the middle of the conversation that the Mother of the house claimed that she wished she had the opportunity that I was having before she became a mother. You know being able to spend time with a family and see the ups and downs of motherhood. The labor that it takes, the compromise and ofcourse the lack of sleep. As much as I love kids, I do understand just how much work it takes for them. It is really good for me to just be in the midst of this family. Being able to help them and get some ideas if the Lord should happen to grant me a family of my own one day.

I guess today was just a bit of rambling...well I am okay with that. For what is life without a little bit of rambling?