Love should be abounding more and more...

I have a student that is on medication for something that I don't really think he needs to be on medication for. I am not a doctor, I am not a counselor- but I have worked with children for most of my life. It is evident to me that the more I look around me the more I think that parenting is such a huge part of whether a child is successful or not. Too many times I have been caught up in thinking that stay-at-home moms are kind of crazy. Now though after looking at the past couple of years. It think that I realize just how important it is to be there for your kids.

As a teacher I have students 70 minutes a day. This is not enough time to make a huge dent in their lives. Especially when they walk down the hallway into another teacher's classroom and get the exact opposite of what I am teaching them. For instance I have made a no sarcasm rule in my classroom. For those of you who have known me for quite some time, you know that I can be one of the most sarcastic people in the world. I have come to realize though that sarcasm is not what Jesus was about. If I want to truly live a life worthy of Jesus then I need to not be sarcastic. Sarcasm hurts and stings. It gets into those deep places like salt in a wound. I don't want to be a part of that. The problem arises when other people do not see things the same way that I do. I can't control them. It just hurts though...you know?

On the other hand I have one more month to try the best that I can to make a difference. So...I will do that. I will try to be loving and make a difference...who knows what God will do?

Letting go...when you feel like hanging on...and when you are not sure if you should let go in the first place

As I stepped out my door this afternoon I was in the midst of a prayer. A prayer to see someone that I wanted to see. I walk down the steps and this person was there. Instead of it being the amazing conversation that I wanted it was pretty much nothing. Yes there was chit chat for a total of 5 minutes at the most, but then it was done. What seemed to be God's encounter turned into a day of grief and pain. Not because I didn't love the meeting, but because I am not sure that anything is ever going to come of it. For the first time in my life I didn't bring about these feelings or these encounters and I feel like waiting is the game I am playing. But I don't want to play this game. I don't want to just walk around in this state of confusion. I have been there and done that. I had high hopes of going somewhere over this break. High hopes of someone following through with what they said, but those hopes were also smashed today as I realized that the person had already been there and didn't ask me. It wasn't really their job to ask me...but had I been expecting it? Yes...so I am letting go...good-bye to this hope! Once again, but I am not really sure it is what I am supposed to be doing...

When people let you down...

So...it seems that I have to get used to and face some facts about people...

they don't always call when they say they will
sometimes they don't text you back
they are often times late
sometimes they don't show up at all
they make promises they don't ever intend to keep
they say things just to make you feel better


So...these are the things I have been noticing a lot lately from people in my life. Now...it is not that I am trying to say I never do these things, but I have become a person that once I say something I try and do it. Mostly because I have been around people that do not do this and it really does hurt. For instance in the past 2 days I have had 2 different lunch plans that have fallen through. One person just lost track of time and the others did not get the text message I sent them until a day later. Is this really a big deal, well no, but what it boils down to is that it then leaves me waiting. I have figured out something major about myself during this time. I hate waiting. I absolutely can't stand it. It doesn't matter if it is 5 minutes or 25 minutes. Now there is a difference between waiting in line to check out and waiting on an appointment. The line I don't really mind as much. I think simply because there isn't really anything that can be done. But the waiting on someone...well it at times is the cause of most of my frustration.

I guess what really bothers me the most is that people especially here can be 15-20 minutes late and it is okay. It is a part of the culture. I understand this culture...laid back and just kind of whatever. But for me...I was taught to be on time and in most cases even get somewhere early. So I get places early and the other person gets places late. So that means that I am left waiting for a good 15-20 minutes everytime I am meeting someone. What am I supposed to learn through this? Don't get somewhere early? But I don't want to be that person that starts getting places late just because everyone else does. If I stay up too late and can't wake up the next morning it is my fault. That does not entitle me to then get somewhere late just because I didn't get much sleep.

All this to say I want to make it a part of me that I truly am a person of my word. If I say that I am going to be somewhere at a certain time...well I will be there. Because that is me!

Starbucks

There is something about sitting down at starbucks with a carmel macchiato and reading that brings me back to the beach and Bible study. I know it doesn't necessarily sound like something that should remind me of that. For almost a year I was getting up on Monday mornings and driving to starbucks to have Bible study with two other ladies at oh get this 6:00 in the morning. It was simply amazing. There were some days when I just wanted to sleep, especially since I usually spent Sunday nights hanging out with friends late since I didn't have to work the next morning. But those Mondays....they were discipline, they were growth, they were sharing hearts and souls. If I had only known then what the Lord was going to bring me through I think I would have treasured those days a little bit more. Not to say that I am not sooo happy with my life right now because I am, but just that I would have enjoyed it a little bit more.

Anyways...my point being today I spent an hour or so just sitting and journaling drinking my coffee. It is amazing how you can tune out the world and just spend time in worship even in the midst of such a busy place. I love that no matter where I go...starbucks is usually just around the corner. There is something that says home to me about that place. Although I do not have it that often but when I need it as comfort...it is there.

I wonder though, why does starbucks mean comfort? It really is just a coffee shop. There are tons of those around everywhere. But the truth is that I can settle down more at starbucks than anywhere else. Maybe because it is a big meeting place or it is familiar. Interesting to me how the familiar things are the ones that are easy. It is the unfamiliar or different that freaks me out. The things that do not go exactly as I planned. Or the things that i can't quite grasp. Those are the things that I get scared about But God is in control and just like when I step into the line and order a carmel macchiotto and blueberry muffin. The same thing happens when I just sit in the palm of His hands. He just holds me and takes control....it is comfortable and real.

My first real Thai dinner...

Tonight I went to the senior showcase at our school. I sat in front of a couple of teachers, as we were walking out they invited me to have dinner with them. We ended up going to an outdoor restaurant completely Thai. The buildings were thai the food was thai and I loved it. We got dishes and shared them. It truly was the most awesome night. We talked about school, about people, about the lack of compassion that seems to exist right now. We talked about the Lord and just different things that he has allowed us to believe and has guided us in. It was amazing to me that I was sitting with two people who desired to be with the Lord just as much as I did. Yet, our views of Him and what He expects from our life are totally different. I wish that I had taken pictures because this place truly was right out of a thai travel magazine. It was perfect with the sun setting looking out at the water. It truly just made me feel community again. I didn't realize how long it had been since I had true community and I didn't realize how much I desire and need my community to be older. I guess I have been surrounded by people that are younger than me. It has not been horrible but there is a certain maturity to someone my age or older that I have not found yet, until tonight. And so I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do. How He is going to shape and mold my life.

Prayer...I think it is the key to everlasting joy and peace.

I love...

I'm in a writing mood today


*walks on the beach
*snowball fights
*walking down the street and not being able to understand a word that is being spoken
*looking into someone's eyes and feeling for just one second like you are the only person that exists to them
*falling on my knees in worship
*green
*waking up to no alarm
*massages
*palm trees
*walking into my classroom and hearing- Miss Manum
*seeing a students smile after a long day
*making smores
*waterfalls
*pineapple
*spending a day just watching movies (haven't done this since college)
*that I can call people from my computer
*the sun
*hearing the waves crash along the shore
*walking in the woods or jungle and seeing God's amazing creation
*the sunset
*writing notes
*guitars
*music in general
*opening the door to find someone that I love on the other side
*the cool breeze blowing on my neck
*holding babies
*watching someone finish a race
*seeing a child tie their shoes for the first time all by themselves
*hearing prayers in Thai
*love spell from Victoria Secret
*the fact that everywhere is different
*watching a bird build a nest
*thunderstorms
*watching the clouds
*opening my door and smelling a clean apartment
*seeing someone finally understand LOVE
*truth
*compassion
*everything that brings joy to the child's heart
*simplicity

Reflections on a sensitive topic...

Today was the last day in a 3 block series on adolescent education for half of the girls in the 6th grade at my school. This was the first time I have ever had to talk to anyone about periods, puberty and well purity. I am not sure who was more nervous the girls or me? It occurred to me that I never had this sit down talk with my parents. I mean I knew that I wasn't allowed to "date" until I was 16, but did I truly ever really know what boundaries were or being pure? I am not sure. I mean I have kept that promise that I made at the True Love Waits conference back in 7th grade. I remember someone bringing that rose to my house and saying that the Lord was proud and that He was going to do amazing things because of this promise. But really when I think about it no one ever really sat me down and explained to me what the Bible or the world or anyone really had to say about the subject.

I think more than any other time this year, talking about this topic I really understood a little bit of what parents go through. For it is not comfortable at all to talk about but it is necessary. I realized that there is so much that kids need to learn and if we just let T.V and magazines do the teaching than chances are they are going to get the wrong message.

I also realized how the Lord designed us. For some reason growing up I had in my mind that it was wrong for me to want a relationship and a marriage. I am not sure where I got that idea from. Then I also got the idea that because I have only dated one person in my life there is something wrong with me. As I talked with the girls...they ofcourse asked about my first love. And I got to think back to those Jeremy days. How awkward that was, but part of growing up. If only I had known what I know now. I would have gotten over him long before I did. The thing is that we were designed to want companionship and that is just a part of growing up. But the Lord also tells us to flee from things that will cause immorality. That is a deep and complex issue to try and teach 6th graders. But I am thankful that I got the chance. For I think it helped me to see a little more into the design of who I am and the desires that I have to one day know what it is like to have a family and a home.

Waiting and Hoping...

So since no one ever really reads my blogs I feel like today I am just going to let out my heart. Maybe it is the wrong thing to do, but maybe it is just after all a place to just let something out. So....there is something going on with my heart right now that is confusing and amazing all at the same time. The thing is that with this whatever it is, there is so much uncertainty that it is bringing me back to another time in my life. Now it is not the same situation at all. For this time I am at a much better place but I also feel that I am getting the signals right this time. I guess what is really scaring me is that I thought that last time too. So here I am just waiting on the Lord. I have found myself wanting to walk down a certain path that would lead to interaction, but then I have to catch myself. For it is not me that needs to pursue the interaction. For if I do that then I feel that I will be at one of the same places I was before. As much as I have learned, I do not want to have to go through that pain again. It was too much to bear. It was too much to take. So what do I do? I keep praying. I keep laying it down at His feet and asking him to take it, asking Him to make it clear, and asking Him to remove it if it isn't from Him. I have been praying this for awhile now, and He hasn't taken it away. So....that leads me to believe that all this waiting is leading somewhere. But that is what I thought before also. So then I am right back to where I started. hmmm...does it seem that God has to teach me the same things over and over again. But He also says that He will give us the desires of our hearts. You know the funny thing is that I thought the last time that I knew what the desires of my heart were, but as it turns out I think that I was truly deceived. Because looking now at what is in front of me...I see something Amazing. Something that is far more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined for myself. So....I lay it over and pray. I pray that my heart will not be deceived and that I find my hope in the Lord. That I don't keep letting the lies that try to keep in get in control. I also pray that this is........it!