November....Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I have decided to do monthly letters instead of newsletters. It is just too hard to format it correctly because so many different people have so many different programs. So I will be writing a lot and then hopefully attaching a couple of pictures. This way you all can see what is going on in my life.

First I want to start with saying how Thankful I am for each one of you and what an amazing part of my life you are. It is funny to think back to a year ago at this time. I really didn't know that I would be in Thailand. In fact it was one year ago that I went to ACSI and thought I would be going to Budapest this year. How the Lord changes thing. I am glad that I do not have to rely on having control of everything, you know?????

It is Thanksgiving...I had to work. We got a week of in October instead of Thanksgiving off. Which I guess I am pretty excited about since I was able to go to Malaysia, but it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. I can remember last year when I spent the day at Kathi's that was so much fun. I think that was the best food...maybe not ever but it was pretty good. Just being able to spend time with a family. Tonight I will be having Thanksgiving with a bunch of the single people from my school. I am actually pretty excited about it. Although we do not have Turkey in Thailand so it is Thanksgiving chicken for us. Although if you close your eyes really tight you can pretend that it is turkey ;). As I ponder over the past, present and future I realize that I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. So here is my list, in no particular order....

*Being born in America
*Being born in a Christian home and the Lord calling me into a relationship with him when I was 6
*the Lord's forgiveness when I have been the rebelling sinner that I am
*A heart for other countries and people groups
*A call to live overseas
*My family
*My friends in California, Missouri, Colorado, Africa, Egypt and all over the world!
*The church families that the Lord has brought me to over the years
*Being a teacher
*being loved
*being wanted
*being needed
*communication (phone, internet or snail mail)
*the skytrain
*transportation
*airports that don't close down
*sleep
*cameras
*memories
*the people I have met that I have had to say good-bye to
*the people that have challenged me to love the Lord more deeply
*Life
*freedom
*forgiveness
*mercy
*grace
*protection
*cards
*elephants
*hospitality
*shelter
*food
*clothing
*water
*a school building
*love
*My Savior

I know that there is so much more I could add to this list, but I am truly just so thankful for what the Lord has brought me. When I thought today about the fact that if something as horrible as a civil war were to break out (which I highly doubt this will happen), but if it does I would be so sad. I love Thailand. I love the people. I love my job. I love the staff here. I am so very thankful to be able to serve the Lord here and just be stretched and used.

So I guess this letter is more just to say how thankful I am, after all that is what today is all about, right! More updates soon. !

love ya
Tawnya

1 Peter 4:8

Thoughts on life...

I really am unsure of what I even want to say in this blog. But those are sometimes the best blogs after all. I didn't go to church today. Not because I just didn't want to but because I felt the need to reflect on some things. One being the reason I am here. Not necessarily the reason I am alive, but the reason behind me being here in Thailand, in Bangna, going to the church that I go to and interacting with the people that I do. One of those reasons is to serve. Now serving is something that I feel has gotten mixed up in so many people's minds. Do I have to be at my wits end because I am serving so much. I do not think so but I at least want to feel needed within my church family. Right now I don't. I think back to the last couple of churches that I was a part of and I know that I was involved. When you have to plan ahead what your last Sunday is going to be so they can find a replacement...well that is pretty involved. Now does that make me better than the person that just comes and sits in the back row absorbing everything because they are still trying to grasp this whole "church" concept? No it doesn't, I guess all that I am trying to say here is that I do not want to go to a church that I can't serve in. Because I believe that we were called to serve. So as I reflect on this I have to wonder how does on really go about knowing where the Lord wants them and what he wants them to be doing? Sometimes I know exactly and then other times I just don't.

Take for instance a couple of friendships that I have had over the years. I was praying about them everyday. I thought the Lord was calling me to those friendships. Now what is left of those friendships is nothing but trace of who I used to be when I was friends with them. Maybe that is not all bad for we do learn from others and thus the reason behind knowing so many different people. But admist that knowledge I also just do not understand how things went wrong. Was it I that should have tried harder? Did I mistake the lack of communication as just a lack of time and therefore I was then one who gave it up. Did I think that they had no more time for me because of a marriage or dating relationship and therefore I caused that person to withdraw? I do not know. I just know that I thought for sure in the midst of those relationships that I was in the middle of God's will. Only for them to end in hurt and heartache, something I can't quite grasp if that comes from the Lord. For through it I did grow closer and yet I am still questionable as to the benefits of it.

Yesterday I once again spent five hours at a family's house while the husband went to go do lesson plans at school. It was in the middle of the conversation that the Mother of the house claimed that she wished she had the opportunity that I was having before she became a mother. You know being able to spend time with a family and see the ups and downs of motherhood. The labor that it takes, the compromise and ofcourse the lack of sleep. As much as I love kids, I do understand just how much work it takes for them. It is really good for me to just be in the midst of this family. Being able to help them and get some ideas if the Lord should happen to grant me a family of my own one day.

I guess today was just a bit of rambling...well I am okay with that. For what is life without a little bit of rambling?

A day to start off the weekend...

Today was Friday...well it still is actually for people in the states. For me though it is Saturday morning and I really should be getting ready for bed. It just occurred to me though how depressing my blogs have been lately. So I decided why not write a little bit of a happier note for this week. Next week is our last full week of school before Christmas break. I can't believe that the school year is almost half way over. It is simply amazing to me to think about what the Lord has done this semester all ready and what he is going to do.

Tonight I played cards with 3 friends. It was so much fun, just to laugh and get in that competitive card mode....you know the mode that you think everyone has but really I didn't realize just how competitive I really am. I think what hits me the most is the complete ease I feel around people that I have known for almost 5 months. There is just something there. Even though I do not talk to every single person everyday there is a connection and a respect that you do not find in all places. I am thankful for the encouragement and just the times of fun. For I do have fun.

Today was Bible day. I happened to love Fridays for that very reason. I am doing outlines of every book in the Bible with my students. Although it may seem a little boring, I still think that it is a firm foundation. For they truly need to know and understand what it is that they are believing or not believing. I realized that if I had that when I was in 6th grade, I might know a lot more. Although it is not just about head knowledge. But the more you know the more you can obey, right?

Tomorrow I go over to help a family with their kids. There are four girls the youngest one was born two weeks ago. Such a sweet family. Last week we walked to the store and it was just fun to be around them and getting to hold the baby.

I guess that life is good after all. Here I am in the midst of adventure and all I can do is complain at the things I have no control over. So I am going to stop that, because in the end it is not worth it at all to complain. I must see things through God's view.

Letting go...finally

I thought I had already reached this point,
The point of letting go completely.

I thought that I had laid it down,
at the altar of his feet.

Only to realize that just as I laid it down,
and turned to walk away.

I think that I picked it up again,
or never let it go in the first place.

Here I am on my knees,
crying out to a God who sees.

Wondering if things were really this clear,
and I just made them so much more difficult to bare.

As I look around I wonder out loud,
"Why does this keep happening? When will I ever learn?"

Learning is a process, one in which I still do not completely understand,
but I know that I am still engraved on the palm of His hand.

For I know that as I turn around,
to look at the altar I just left.

I do not have to lay it down on my own,
for if I just hold out my hands, there He is to take it into His own.

That is what the problem is, my gaze it didn't stay focused,
Instead of turning my eyes to meet his, I was looking all around for the answers.

Looking around and wanting to fill that void that had been left so long ago,
Left by people that are sinful and human, they just do not seem to know.

They do not know how much they hurt me, by the words that were said.
They do not know how much pain they caused with those shouts of proclamation in my head.

For now I must decide where I want to look.
Do I turn and run away, not facing what might be at stake.

Or do I turn to face the cross, where a life was laid
A life that was taken for all that is wrong and the sin that had to be paid.

For now I must move forward and realize the cost,
As we grow, we must sacrifice that which is not leading to the cross.

For today and this time I lay it down again,
but it is not by my own strength but by the Power of my Friend!

I am just a person, a simple human being.
My feelings are a part of me, as awful as they may seem.

I love and hurt, the same as Jesus did,
But the difference is He took it all upon Him.

So I would not have to die, the awful pain He did,
but I could live in Salvation of knowing Life And Being Full in Christ.

As I close my thoughts today,
I have to leave the pain.

For if I do not say good-bye
Then I will not be able to be complete in Him.

listening to the fireworks...

So tonight is a festival here. It is a famous festival and although I do not know all the details I do know that there were plenty of people celebrating by putting boats out into the water that had candles on them. Now you might think that is amazing...that would be a really cool thing to see. I do think that it would have been fun. I did not spend the night enjoying this festival though. Instead I spent the night listening to the fireworks and loud music from inside my apartment wondering when it was going to stop so that I could go to sleep. As I ponder what my life means right now and just exactly what all I am learning in the midst of it I go back to the loud music. Here I am allowing the noises and distractions of the world drown out what I should really be paying attention to. Once again my life is so focused on what I can't do (sleep) that I forget to be thankful for what I do have (a bed) and what those sounds aren't (bombs or gunshots) even though they may sound like it! So as I ponder what it means to some of these people to stick this boat into the water...it makes me wonder....how do you believe that a boat with a candle is going to do anything for a spirit? I do not understand. Maybe I need to look into the logistics behind this a little bit more before I start judging. Because reality I probably shouldn't be judging at all.

It just seems to me that there are so many things in this life that seem simple. LIke the evidence that points to a creator of the world. How can you argue against there being one true creator and Lord. I look at my students and the staff that surround me and I see the differences. I am currently working with someone who hates me. Really truly hates me. Now what I did to this man I am unsure. It still floors me that you can hate someone that much that even when they say hi to you, you give them the worst look ever.

So what does this say to me as a Christian working with Christians...well I want to judge and say how could you be so mean. But in reality we live in a fallen world. Even though I claim Jesus, much of what I do and say is not like him at all. So what do I do? Press on....for when I am hated well that is when I am not shining but He is shining through me.

I guess this blog wasn't a lot. Hopefully I will have more. The music and fireworks have stopped I think...maybe now I can get some sleep!

On Monday of this week, I had pretty much the worst day ever but it also turned out to be one of the best days. For I was the object of 6th grade boys ridicule. You would think that after 6th grade there would be no more of that, but that is the wrong assumption. For my 6th graders wrote a song about me and then spread it around. So nice for someone who jumped from teaching Kindergarten to 6th grade? Well actually it was just one boy and he was the one spreading it around. To make a long story short some boys came to apologize for things that I didn't even know that they had done and I think they did it on their own. So the Lord truly is working but it made for a rough day that is for sure.

It just seems to be that there is such a battle going on. I know that I can't win it on my own. I know that I do not even have to try but then everyday I am fighting these forces that are just against me. Everyday I am forced to realize that my life is here and I need to make the most of it but sometimes I just don't know how.

I'm done

I am so done.
Done with trying.
Done with putting forth the effort of being a friend to someone so far away.
Done with trying to understand why you can't just pick up the phone or write a line or two.
Done with understanding why it is I think God is telling me one thing and you another.
Done with believing that something good comes out of everything.
Done with thinking that there is a "perfect" plan for everyone's life.
Done with thinking there is a "perfect person" for everyone's life.
Done with being positive all the time.
Done with pretending that I love it here.
Done with pretending that I have everything figured out.
Done with being so far away.
Done with people I love going away.
Done with sickness.
Done with heartache.
Done with anger.
Done with frustration.
I am just Done.

things that make me sad...

*people that do not answer the phone after they specifically said they would
*not really understanding if I am making the right choices or not
*being alone
*6th grade boys
*failure
*distraction
*not enough time

Things that make me smile...

*reading a good friend's blog
*thinking that God created me to be here during this time
*6th graders climbing chairs to put posters on my walls
*6th graders in general
*pineapple pills
*road trips to colorado
*flying to colorado
*Mint
*burning letters
*friends that I burn letters with
*thursday nights
*waking up in the morning and realizing that I have no idea where my life is going
*waking up in the morning and realizing that I am following the One true Lord of All
*being in California
*seeing Palm Trees
*seeing elephants
*islands
*the beach
*people at the beach
*passing out lunches
*stories that start out with...this one time a long time ago...
*my family
*real letters
*dryer sheets
*cheezits
*granola bars
*chocolate chip cookies
*ovens
*the best hug I have ever had
*hugs in general
*knowing that I can never go anywhere and be out of God's presence!

Not sure what true wisdom and discernment is

There I was on an island for a week staring out at the beautiful sea. Not really having a care in the world other than whether a storm was going to blow in or not to mess up my thoughts and time out in the sunshine. But truly the island I think is what saved me. It saved me from going into a deep depression and from seeing the world through my own eyes. For really and truly it is not about me at all. This past week went so fast. I am not even sure what all happened or how it just disappeared before my very eyes. Isn't it though so amazing how just when we are at the end of our rope the Lord gives us a push and just lets us breeze by. For I thought coming back from vacation was going to be so tough and I just wasn't going to have the energy or patience to handle attitudes that 6th graders sometimes have. The truth is that it was a really good week. Besides a couple of kids that really pushed my buttons far beyond what I would have liked it was geniunely very good.

Here is where my title of this blog comes in though. There are some things going on in my life right now that I just do not understand. Relationships that I thought were going one way and then it seems they are going another. My thoughts about my job keep flipping back and forth. Do I teach science for another year or doing something that I feel like I would be better at? How do I truly discern what is the Lord and what is just my own thoughts and feelings. As I think back to the surroundings of the Malaysian beach I am in awe of how the Lord spoke to me. It wasn't through this audible voice but just knowledge of what he was saying. What happens though when he is silent? I am unsure of how to get the answers when what I am hearing is nothing. I understand that I am just supposed to wait. But I am sort of tired of waiting. What do I do when I really just want to know. Wait....

So discerning from His wisdom and human wisdom I think might be one of those mysteries that I continue to ask as my life proceeds. For I am truly unsure of what or where He is speaking. All I can do for now I guess is wait and listen....