I'm an AUNT!

I just found out that my stepsister had her baby...that means I am an aunt for the first time. Yeah! Even though this little baby was diagnosed as not going to make it to birth, he is here and alive. God is amazing! I am so blessed to know the Creator of the Universe...the creator of this little life. Please pray with me for this little one. And....hopefully one day I will hear the words Aunt Tawnya....that puts a smile on my face. Or maybe he will give me some fun nickname...that would put an even bigger smile on my face! What a blessing today, in the midst of a crazy chaotic week!

A Willing Sacrifice

Today marks three days of being facebook free. Although I know that this blog will be fed automatically onto my page without me doing anything, so there is still a little connection there. But I have not spent nearly as much time these past few days in this technological world. It actually has freed up quite a bit more time than I thought. My focus has been able to be changed a little bit at a time to focus more on God and less on filling my time with things that are not really as important as getting to know the creator of the universe.

The focus this week has been on giving up those things that are holding me back from completely living for him. I have realized that a lot of what is holding me back is my attitude and my patience level. Whew...everyday this week I feel like it has been completely tested to the max. In my daily interactions, in my leading of a service project, in my communication with others. There is this overlaying attitude of just negative thoughts and feelings. Where does it come from? I think that it has something to do with trying to give up everything, that is when you feel everything so much more right? When I am trying to live for God, that is when I am bombarded with thoughts and feelings that go against Him the most.

This week has brought sacrifice...nothing compared to the sacrifice of Jesus. The pain and humiliation He felt hanging on the cross. Nothing can compare to that, but I hope and pray that in these next few weeks leading up to the celebration of his life, death and resurrection that I will be able to sense even more and grow closer to Him. My life is not my own....why does this concept feel so hard to grasp. It seems the harder I try to give it up and let God lead me, the harder it is to give up.

No fear in love...

It is Valentine's Day, Wow! This is my 28th Valentine's Day and as I reflect on today I have to say that it was probably one of the best. Not because I did some crazy fun thing, but just because it was not a day when I felt like feeling sorry for myself. I have come to realize that I need to just accept things as the Lord has given them to me. Yes, it would have been nice to have that special someone to spend the day with and to hang out with, but you know instead I got to hang out with a couple pretty cool people.

We ate lunch and then went to see the movie "Valentine's Day." Go figure-it was actually a pretty good movie. Despite a couple of parts at the end that I wasn't too excited about, but it gave me time to think and reflect a little bit. I do admit that part of me was wishing I had a story to tell. Then the other part of me was looking at their (the people in the movie) lives and seeing how much easier mine is. The reason? I don't have to try and make things work out how I want them to. Why? Because God already has my story written. You see I face being content on pretty much a daily basis. I mean one minute I am okay with my state of singleness and then another minute I long for a "best friend." You know that person that you just click with, who can read you and you can read him and he challenges you to know God in a greater way. That is the man I am waiting for. It occurred to me today that God may not give that to me for awhile. On the other hand I am praying for it to happen quickly. What is being content, really? Well I think it is being at peace. Peace comes from God, so if I am allowing God to fulfill me then I am going to have peace. My life is going to be in God's will and I don't have to try and control every aspect or really any aspect.

This is a lot easier said than done. Reading through a friend's email today I realized that most of my actions that cause harm to others or mess up things are done out of my emotions. It is always my emotions that allow me to write that email or make that phone call, that in the end probably shouldn't have been written or made in the first place. For a lot of my emotions are caused by fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear that if I don't take control, well then my life is going to spin out of control. In reality I should not fear, because in 1 John it talks about Fear and that there is no fear in love, but in reality love casts out all fear. If I am truly loving God, then I don't need to fear. God is my light, my portion and my hope. I just have to trust Him and lean on Him, for He already has my story written. It is a great story and one day I am going to be excited to share it with all of you. Until that day though, I wait and hope and allow Him to use me to serve, to grow and to Worship.

So, although everyone says this is just another Hallmark holiday, I sort of give it two thumbs up because I think every year it causes me to reflect and think. This might be the first year though that I can say I am happy and satisfied in God's love. Yes I am waiting for that story, but you know what? I can rest being in the middle of it, knowing that it is God's hand that is writing and not mine.

I am a big complainer...

I have been going through the book of Isaiah with someone. It has actually been quite interesting and it never fails that our discussion leads into the people of Israel and why they would not just turn to God. It seems that they were always complaining about this or that and never really just looked to see what God was doing that was good. I mean it is a lot easier to complain, now isn't it?

Well I realized tonight that I am pretty much just as guilty of this as the people of Israel. I mean here I am at a job that I really do love, where I get to openly share my faith on a daily basis and what are the first words out of my mouth when I get done, or even in the midst of the day....you guessed it...complaints. Oh maybe I complain because the printer is not in the same room as the copier, or because I had 6 students absent in one day, or because my friendships have gotten all mixed up and there seems to be no way to mend them, or because this person just doesn't seem to understand what teaching is all about. Oh yes, I complain about the food in the cafeteria, about having to be in charge of a field trip, about this and that...yep that's me big complainer...aka Israel.

Wow...the Lord He is really patient because it has taken me a while to realize just how much I complain. I was talking with a friend today and when we left the conversation I realized that I hadn't said one positive thing the whole time we were talking. Wow! Talk about being a faithful servant of the Lord, doesn't sound like it or look like it to me at all.

Next week Lent starts and I am praying for God to really just grab a hold of my life. To etch away those things that are just getting in the middle of a full life in Him. I am praying about what to give up for the next 40 days, and have pretty much decided that facebook is the number one option. It seems to be this communication tool that has turned into a little idol in my life. I can't go a day without checking it and as soon as 3:00 hits...oh I am on it. I sometimes even stay late just in order to check and see in the 7 hours since I was at work if anyone has written to me. Yes, it has begun to take the place of communicating with God. I have realized this, but haven't really wanted to change. Not anymore....

Enough complaining...enough spending time checking facebook when I could be getting to know the creator of the Universe. I mean seriously how can I even compare those two? Yet, I have!

The Cost of Taking Up Your Cross: Death

Wow! I feel like it has been quite a day. As I sit here pondering over the time in God's word this morning and then eating lunch with friends, I am just amazed by how good He is. Today I had real conversation about God, about struggles that people were going through and about truly taking up our crosses for Him. What it looks like to make my life a reflection of His and being able to see Him work in other people.

For some time now I have been praying about something. I am not going to go into details just yet, but this has been on my mind a lot. It is something that I struggle with quite often and have noticed is something that can bring me into sin faster than pretty much anything else. I have realized that in a lot of people's lives especially those claiming to be solid Christians this thing has a way of taking hold. It deceives you into believing that you what you are doing is not wrong at all. Much like Eve was deceived into thinking that the piece of fruit would make her like God. Today it occurred to me that I am not alone in my desire of things that are not of God. You might be thinking "duh." You probably would be right, but in my mind I have gotten so used to my own struggles and feeling like I am the only one that I forgot we all go through this. Maybe your struggle is not my struggle, but we all have struggles.

What made today different though is for once I felt like the wall was torn down. For once someone was vulnerable and God began to work. It is not going to be easy and it may cause some relationships to crumble, but you know what He is working and He was kind enough to allow me to be a part of this thing! I can't believe it! I want to scream to everyone that He is Faithful! He is worth it! He is worth whatever sacrifices I have had to made for that moment today when someone was for once transparent. When it wasn't about looking cool or being liked it was just about being real.

O Lord I am so thankful for that! I am so thankful to see you working!

As I ponder over what it means to give up my life, to be willing to die for the cause I think that this is what it is about. Being there for others, sharing His love with them and understanding that the road is narrow! It is not just whatever you want to do that goes, but it is about completely giving it all up for Him. Am I willing to die for this faith? Yes, I am...that is how strongly I believe in Jesus.

If I am willing to die for Him, then I need to be willing to stand up for Him, no matter what. If people think that I am just some crazy conservative who takes the Bible literally, well then I think that makes me excited. If everyday I want to run away from this job that I have because it is too hard to show His love to my students or others around me...that is worth it! It is worth it because He is TRUTH! It is worth it because there is no sacrifice that is too great for Him!

He is WORTH It!

My stomach is in knots...

As I sit here reading my BSF study for today, my stomach is all twisted up in about a million different knots. I am not really sure the cause of it exactly, although there have been some pretty strange thoughts and dreams going on the past few days. It seems that the Lord is trying to draw me closer to himself. I love that but at the same time it is hard for me to just let Him in. To just rest in His presence and get a sense of what He is trying to tell me. Tonight I am reading about His return. Whew...it is amazing to think about. I really like 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18....especially the part about getting to be "always with the Lord." I can't wait for that day, when relationships will be perfect and I will get to be with all the people I love.

Except I can't help but cry out to God because not everyone that I love will be there. Not everyone that I love is experiencing a life with Christ and for Him. Some are caught up in sin and living for the flesh. It breaks my heart to think that we will not spend eternity together. I long for the day when I get to shed only tears of Joy for my King! There will not be weeping, hurt or pain. He will "come to take us for himself" (John 14:3). This means I have to keep looking up...I have to keep focusing on what lies ahead. Not on myself not worrying about myself and what I need, but on Him.

The past few days have been tough because I am praying about something that seems to be on my mind a lot lately and has been on and off for the past few years. I wish that it would just go away and as much as I have prayed, I am not sure the Lord has specifically told me to give it up. So, I wait. I wait for His work. Sometimes while I wait I try to make it go faster, this waiting and then I make mistakes, or the Lord has to correct me. This time though I really want to just wait on God. He knows my heart, my dreams because He put them there. He knows the plans He has for me and so I continue to just lean on Him and rest in Him and continue to give my life over to Him. Praying for the opportunities that I hope will come.

In four months from today I will have said good-bye to two of my closest friends during my time here. They are each going away to live life, one to get married and the other probably to graduate school. I sort of feel like I am being left behind. I know that I have more friends, but they have been the kind of friends that just clicked. We met in the commercial building on the fourth floor and lived life together. I will miss them so much and even now I have tears in my eyes thinking about saying good-bye. They have taught me a lot about friendship, truth and loyalty. I am thankful that the Lord crossed our paths and I have hope in meeting them again one day. It seems that my life is full of good-byes. This might be the first time in awhile that I am not the one moving away. We never know who we are going to meet or what they are going to mean to us, do we? I have met some people that I thought I didn't care to lose and others that if our lives ever really couldn't have some contact I think I might lose a part of myself. So I think about this and my friends. We may never be in the same place on earth again...probably not even in the same country. But we have taken from each other and given love, laughter and friendship.

I have a few other friends getting to start living out dreams this month. They have been praying and hoping for such a long time and now it is really happening. I am so happy for them, but a little sad also because I am not directly involved. I don't really get to hear about the ups and downs or even about how things have come to happen along the way. I pray that it will be a great experience and that somehow and sometime I can really have a chance to hear about it. For now though the Lord has told me that I must sit on the sidelines and wait. There's that word again...wait. I don't like it one bit, but it is teaching me, probably lessons that I don't even realize I am learning.

As I read back through this blog, it seems to be nothing too special. But also there is something in this. I want and long for my life to be so filled with Christ that no matter what I write or who reads it, it is Christ and not me. I am not sure this always happens, but at least I can press forward hoping for Christ's will in me.

Feeling like a failure and realizing that's who I am without Christ

Last night I was doing some work for school and looking at dates for an upcoming service and learning trip we are going to be taking at the end of this month, when I realized that the bus was reserved for the wrong days. Granted I wasn't the one who actually reserved the bus, but being in charge of the trip it is ultimately my responsibility. I have been pretty stressed out about this trip to begin with. Only being here 1 1/2 years I am not sure that it qualifies me to lead three days of field trips for 62 sixth graders. Granted, there are people on our team that have gone above and beyond in helping out and taking over, but being the "leader" means that whatever happens good or bad it is my fault. That is a lot of pressure!

So, as I was thinking about this pressure, I realized that there is a reason that I do not enjoy this role, because it is not really a role that comes naturally. Now don't get me wrong I like being in charge and I like being the boss, but it is not a natural role. I was always that shy kid, and I am not really sure when I developed in me this outspoken way of doing things. In fact I think most of it has formed in the past couple of years. Why? Well a lot of it has to do with my security in Christ. When I was younger I followed Christ, but I was also swayed by others A LOT! So much so that I think I probably did not stand up for Him all the times I should have. Now though I can honestly say that my life is in Christ. I do think that because my life is in Christ that gives me this attitude of pride that I need to keep giving up. For it sort of begins to look less like Christ and more like me.

I think that is where I was last night. We had a meeting yesterday after school. After the meeting I was talking to someone and they mentioned that I had done a great job of getting everything organized. Now on the outside I said I don't really think I did that great, but on the inside I was feeling pretty good about myself. What I forgot though was to give God the credit for the way this trip has come together. The bus mix up was to me a reminder that if I leave Christ out and leave out giving Him glory, then I am a failure. Not because He can't use me anyways, but because my life, my every being should be about Him. I should not be giving myself credit for what He does, what He brings together, but I should be acknowledging Him in everything.