Final Thoughts for 2009

As 2009 comes to a close I have to ponder and question what I learned and what is to come for 2010. For if I do not think over what I have learned this past year, then there will be nothing to learn this next year. I think with 2009 comes a lot of thinking about the past. For this year marked the 10 year anniversary of graduating from high school. As I think about 10 years ago, I was so young, naive and really just beginning to understand what being a "grown-up" meant. In 10 years I have come to learn a lot more about myself, other people, and the Lord. For in 10 years God has allowed me to get to know so many people and learn from each person that I have come to meet.


A look back at the past 10 years...

June 1999: Graduated from High School
August 1999 Moved away from home, Hannibal- Missouri
Dec. 2000 Went to India (my first plane ride and my first overseas experience)
June 2001 Went to California for the first time, loved it! Worked with goats, chickens, pigs, horses and kids and people that were So AMAZING!
August/September 2001 Changed my major to education
Jan. 2002 Worked at Alcohol and Drug Rehab Center...oh the memories
Summers of 2002 and 2003 Worked in California, met awesome people, changed my life
Jan. 2003 Worked at the group home for mentally handicap...oh more memories
August 2003 Moved in with my Grandparents while student teaching
December 2003 Graduated with my BS in Elementary Education
Jan 2004 Began working at the Crayon School
August 2004 Moved to Egypt
December 2004 Went to Holland for a 2 week visit
June 2005 Moved to California
August 2005 1st teaching job in the states/Began going to New Song
Began my Masters in Education
February 2006 Back to RH
August 2007 Lighthouse
July 2008 Thailand
October 2008 Visit to Malaysia
June 2009 Trip home for the summer visited 11 states and 2 countries.
July 2009 Visit to Singapore: Leadership conference
October 2009 Visit to Vietnam
December 2009 Hanging out in Bangkok

Sometimes I get stuck on this whole really wanting to be married and raise a family issue, then I look at my life. I look at what God has done in the past 10 years. The people that He has allowed me to meet and the trials He has gotten me through. In my timeline, I didn't mention deaths of family members, births of family members and tough relationships that have come and gone. For we all have those and they have all shaped us and who we are. I do though want to take time to really think about what these things mean. To really stop and examine what the next 10 years are going to look like. I am 28, 10 years ago I was 18. I was just beginning my life as an adult and now with my 20's coming to a close, what is it that God wants me to think about? What is it that my life is going to be about for at least the next 10 years?

So...as I sit here in my hotel room in the middle of Bangkok. I have to remember that this is never where I thought that I would be. Even 5 years ago when I was in the middle of celebrating New Year's with good friends in Holland. I never thought I would be coming to Thailand. Or Asia even. I am so glad that I am here now. I am so glad that I have had the past 1 1/2 years to experience and begin to love this country, this place and these people. I wish that I could say I have found the place where I belong, but the truth is that I am not sure I will ever find that place. I think that the Lord has gifted me with the ability to accept and crave change. It is true I crave change, when things start becoming the same routine and the same people I start looking for ways to spice life up. I don't know if it has to do with my distrust to others or if it is just because that is the life He has given me. For whatever reason, I am still single and able to live pretty much anywhere. I mean really, the World is out there just waiting to be discovered. And...well this next year I want to prepare to discover it. There are some things I must do first though...

What I learned in 2009 both the good and the tough...

#1 God is trustworhty, no matter what He will not let you down or go away. Joshua 1:5
#2 Spending time with God, making Him a priority leads to a more fulfilled life.
#3 Love, causes you to give up a lot of things and desires.
#4 You can never completely trust anyone, it is a fact people are going to hurt you and let you down.
#5 Get over the hurt and the pain, it happens- the world isn't perfect.


I am sure that I learned a lot more but these are the thoughts that are coming to me right now. So as I sit and think about what my life should look like here are my thoughts for 2010

In 2010 I want

*to spend an hour with the Lord every morning (the goal is to wake up at 5:00am)
*to be commited to praying for others, for their needs and for the World to come to Christ
*to become more healthy
*to remember birthdays and send a card to at least close family and friends
*to let go of hurts that I am holding on to and let scars heal that need to heal


Hello to 2010 may this be the year that I realize God's faithfulness like never before. May this be the year that God shows me His power and Love. Because I am ready for it. I think that I have to have my eyes open, and they may have been closed for quite some time. So here is my life Lord...use it and use Me.

As I follow my heart loves...

I had a conversation with someone this week. This person is one of my good friends, but something that she said struck me. She told me that maybe I don't want to share everything with everyone that I write in my updates. As I thought it over at first I thought maybe she is right, but then I have been spending a lot of time in the Word and really the one Word that keeps popping out is LOVE. To love people means to share with them. To share the ups and downs of this life. To let them know that no matter how many times they hurt me, how much they lie to me, how far apart we grow. I will love them. I will love them because they are my family. Whether here or there...I will love them because I know their voice.

This blog is called following the King. As I sit about what makes me a follower of Jesus, sometimes my doubt overwhelms me. But then I have weeks like this one. Where I get to wake up whenever I feel like it, have lunch with friends, work out for 2 1/2 hours and decide when I am going to go home. I get to rest and relax because He is good.

As I ponder what it means to Follow the King...I think that one of the biggest examples of this is to trust Him. Not trust the people around me, but to trust Him. I have been pretty sad these past few weeks, since finding out that someone I confided in spilled my life story to just about everyone that I know. It really hurts me a lot. Not that I haven't had friends do this before, but this time I really felt it was a stab to my heart. It wasn't just about this one person telling, but the chain of events that followed. For one person told another person, and then that person told another person and before you know it 20 people know about your personal life that you only ever intended one person to know in the first place. It is my own fault really, for I didn't really know the person that I was trusting. It still hurts though, and to make matters worse it has caused other friendships to be lost. Not that I don't still love those friends, but the trust has been broken. I will trust again, because trust does not come of my own accord. It comes from the Lord! So as I look up...I begin to heal and to trust!

When time keeps passing by...

Today I was sitting in church and all around me true worship was happening. Not the kind where people are just singing hymns and wishing that the Holy Spirit would activate their love for the Lord, but truly worship. People were on their knees singing and crying out to Him. They were showing just how God was meant to be worshipped. There I was smack dap in the middle of a God experience, but what I couldn't get past was myself. How come I couldn't worship Him? What was stopping me from giving Him my true devotion and attention? Well it was my own thoughts ofcourse. Thoughts of feelings, of things still to get done, everything that I am...the humaness that makes me stop, when all I need to do is worship.

For about 4 months now I have been in Thai mode. Only going to a Thai church where all the songs are sung in Thai and no translation is anywhere. I didn't realize just how much I had missed truly being in communion with God until I was standing in that worship service wondering when it was going to end. This being my first reaction, I have to wonder why? Because my intimacy with God is lacking. I have begun to busy myself with so many activities that I have forgotten what it truly means to sit or stand in His presence. To want to cry out to him and kneel at his feet.

What am I afraid of? I think I am afraid that if I get too close, well then He will answer my prayers. Prayers that I have been waiting so long to hear a "yes" to and if He does finally say yes then my life is going to completely change.

I want my life to change. I want to leave this place that I am in of selfishness and pride. I want and desire to know more of His love through a family. But first before that comes, I have to rekindle my relationship with Him.

How did it get so far? How have I forgotten to just bow at His feet and listen? I think the answers are in my day to day. I wake up and forget just who I am waking up for. It isn't myself it is for Jesus. I guess it is time I start truly showing it!

A Birthday Celebration!!!

Today I was able to really celebrate my birthday. But it actually started yesterday. I was able to hang out with friends for the past two days, got a foot massage, a pedicure, dinner on Saturday. It was so great just able to talk and laugh about life and things that are going on. Realizing that this may be the last time the three of us are in the same country. It makes me a little sad, but so thankful for the time the Lord has given us.



Then today I was able to go to a Thai church and watch a youth service. The youth ran the service and it was great. The basics behind it was talking about the need to preach the gospel. Not just be doing activities but to be sharing the truth of Christ...how awesome it was. Then I got to hang out with a good friend all day...we ate yummy crepes, went to a park and watched a random movie. What a blessing that was!




And finally I met up with some other friends and we had sushi....and hung out.


I just keep realizing more and more how blessed I am!!!! What a great birthday!

In 28 years...

So tomorrow is the day...I turn 28. It is hard to imagine that 28 years has gone, I mean it seems like just yesterday my sisters and I were sharing one bedroom in our little house in Mexico. I still can remember those mint green walls and the stenciling my Mom put up. I remember so many things about that house, which I am sure that my sisters might not remember. After all it wasn't until 4th grade that we moved away. Just some things I remember...


*** Going fishing at my Grandparents and various other places, but I don't actually remember this picture. I am sure I caught all those fish though...maybe with a little help.

***The time that me and two of my friends hung out in the pool in our backyard eating chocolate chip cookies and we kept "accidently" dropping them in the pool. I am not sure why we thought this was so funny, but apparently it was.

****Making snowmen every year, and dressing them up in our old clothes and ofcourse making sure that they each had a carrot nose, button eyes and some other stuff. Don't really remember what we made the mouths out of...maybe sprinkles or something. It was fun though!

I miss the snow and playing in the snow. It was always so fun to go sledding as well. We could go across the street at the high school or we often went to my grandparents and went down into the woods. I remember one time in particular. Oh the fun that we had.






I think in my 28 years I have experienced so much and been able to really feel loved. I am so thankful for that. I miss my Grandparents a lot and at times like this I miss them even more. Last year at this time I was able to share with my Grandma the things that were going on over here, this year I can't. I know that she is much happier, but I miss her.


She taught me so much and so many of my childhood memories are at my Grandparents house. I loved going out there....Here are a few of those memories...Going to church with my Grandparents...so much fun!!!! I think this was around Easter sometime
We went fishing A LOT!


So the point was to look back not just at my childhood but at the whole 28 years. I feel that God has allowed me to see so much and so here is my countdown list of the 28 things that I have loved about my life....




#1 Growing up in a Christian Family in America
#2 Having my Grandparents in the same state as me
#3 My Grandparents lived out in the woods on 40 acres of land with 2 ponds
#4 Being a Pastor's Kid
#5 Having a Mom that stayed at home for most of my childhood
#6 Having Beagles as pets
#7 Having 2 younger sisters
#8 Knowing my aunts and uncles
#9 Getting to hang out with my cousins
#10 My Dad's cousin giving me Mountain Dew when I was 2
#11 Helping my Dad "fix things"
#12 Going Fishing
#13 My work ethic
#14 Going to a Christian College
#15 Working at a horse camp for kids
#16 Working at an alcohol and drug rehab center
#17 Going to India


#18 TPing
#19 Being part of a youth group
#20 Mission trips
#21 Only having one boyfriend in my life
#22 Road trips to various places
#23 Living in Egypt
#24 Living in Thailand
#25 Living in California
#26 Loving Adventure
#27 Having blonde hair
#28 That Jesus called me to Him when I was 6 years old

Wow! When I write it down, it makes me so excited to see what the Lord has given me....

Things that made today hard...

*passing a truckful of guys this morning on my walk, they whistled and yelled (it made me feel like I was back in E.)

*my dream last night...where everyone was going to leave me: made me wake up really cranky

*the dream almost coming true, when I was left standing on the road by myself, when there was room in the car

*feeling like I have no control over my emotions

*being a foreigner and everyone knowing it

*not understanding the language that surrounds me

*not understanding the culture that surrounds me

*having to take a taxi home

*having to walk back to school in the heat and sun, which caused my skin to break out

*did I mention language?

A day of prayer

Today I took a day just to pray. A day set a side to just think about God and maybe some of the things that He has been saying to me. I don't think that it exactly ended up being how I thought, but at least I feel like today I was able to spend time with Him that would otherwise have been spent at school working.

As I ponder what prayer means I realize that my prayer life has been falling lately. What I thought would be constant communication throughout the day has turned into only morning and evening communication. Why is it so hard for me to think about him during the day. Why is it so hard for me to concentrate on Him and what He is trying to tell me. Prayer...communication with the Lord. I long for His Word to be rich in my life and yet there are times when I feel that there is so much in my brain I don't even know where to begin. So it is in those times that I need to stop and just be.

I need to open up my heart to just hearing from the Lord. No matter what...just listening to Him and asking Him to speak.

So as I wait....I listen

My feelings...the start of school

Every year that I get to teach it seems I always have the same feelings at the beginning. Feeling overwhelmed at what is about to happen. Am I going to be able to make students understand what they need to? Am I going to truly give over my life and be the person that they need me to be? There is so much to do and say. I just don't know. But there is one thing that is different this year. The difference is that I understand so much more than I think I have ever about teaching. I understand more about this culture that I am living and working in, about what it takes to really see 6th graders where they are. I am not sure how to best explain, but I feel that this year is going to be monumental and truly count towards the rest of my life. Not just in the hum of the everyday teaching, but in what God has planned for me.

Waiting and waiting some more. This is what I feel like it comes to. Being patient and trying to truly listen to what it is that he wants from me. How do I know? How do I discern? I think I just have to wait and see!

Back in America

I have now been in America for one whole day now, and am about to begin my next day. It seems so weird to be back, but so good. I got to see so many people last night and I think it was at that point that I realized just how much I have changed. For I think the Lord has brought me to a place of being completely in love with Him and where He has me in life. It was so good to see people that He has used in my life to shape who I am and what He wants to continue to do.

It is just amazing to look around and see the differences between here and Thailand. But the nice thing is to realize that even thought America is so much easier and quicker...I love Thailand so much more. So as I look around and notice the things that are different about my life I realize that I am happy with where I am and who I am with. I am excited for this short visit, but thankful for a life of joy and centerdness on the Lord!

Missing them so much

Tonight it just occurred to me that when I go home I will not be seeing my Grandparents. I have been on a cycle of ups and downs the past week. Realizing that in one month I will be driving from California to Missouri. I will be in the states seeing friends and family that I haven't seen for a year. I am excited...I am really having a whole two months off. But there is this underlying fear. Fear of what I have to deal with when I get there. For one thing when I left, I left all my stuff in California in hopes of a relationship. A relationship that I knew was going nowhere but still I left hope for it. So...along with my car I am driving my stuff back "home." Home is such a strange word to me for I call Missouri home but I am not sure it really is. No matter what though I am going back a different person. Someone stronger in some ways, but also more humble as well. For I have learned in this culture that sometimes you have to just wait. It is not just the culture but I think it is what God has been teaching me this year. So as I prepare to visit home I think upon what I need to face. I need to face people that I may not agree with. I need to face saying good-bye to my Grandparents. Letting them go..not forgetting them, but just letting them go. I think that might be the hardest thing I face this summer. I don't want to go to that house and see them not there. I don't want to experience walking the back 40 without them, but I know that I must. For I have to love the memories and love the part of me that is them but I must press on. I can't get caught in that, but if I do not go forth and deal with this then it will just keep being there. So....I must face it.

In some ways I feel like I am leaving my home to go visit...because although sometimes living here makes me want to scream it has become a part of me. I love it and long to just learn more and more. I thank God for this opportunity and just keep pressing on!!!

Love should be abounding more and more...

I have a student that is on medication for something that I don't really think he needs to be on medication for. I am not a doctor, I am not a counselor- but I have worked with children for most of my life. It is evident to me that the more I look around me the more I think that parenting is such a huge part of whether a child is successful or not. Too many times I have been caught up in thinking that stay-at-home moms are kind of crazy. Now though after looking at the past couple of years. It think that I realize just how important it is to be there for your kids.

As a teacher I have students 70 minutes a day. This is not enough time to make a huge dent in their lives. Especially when they walk down the hallway into another teacher's classroom and get the exact opposite of what I am teaching them. For instance I have made a no sarcasm rule in my classroom. For those of you who have known me for quite some time, you know that I can be one of the most sarcastic people in the world. I have come to realize though that sarcasm is not what Jesus was about. If I want to truly live a life worthy of Jesus then I need to not be sarcastic. Sarcasm hurts and stings. It gets into those deep places like salt in a wound. I don't want to be a part of that. The problem arises when other people do not see things the same way that I do. I can't control them. It just hurts though...you know?

On the other hand I have one more month to try the best that I can to make a difference. So...I will do that. I will try to be loving and make a difference...who knows what God will do?

Letting go...when you feel like hanging on...and when you are not sure if you should let go in the first place

As I stepped out my door this afternoon I was in the midst of a prayer. A prayer to see someone that I wanted to see. I walk down the steps and this person was there. Instead of it being the amazing conversation that I wanted it was pretty much nothing. Yes there was chit chat for a total of 5 minutes at the most, but then it was done. What seemed to be God's encounter turned into a day of grief and pain. Not because I didn't love the meeting, but because I am not sure that anything is ever going to come of it. For the first time in my life I didn't bring about these feelings or these encounters and I feel like waiting is the game I am playing. But I don't want to play this game. I don't want to just walk around in this state of confusion. I have been there and done that. I had high hopes of going somewhere over this break. High hopes of someone following through with what they said, but those hopes were also smashed today as I realized that the person had already been there and didn't ask me. It wasn't really their job to ask me...but had I been expecting it? Yes...so I am letting go...good-bye to this hope! Once again, but I am not really sure it is what I am supposed to be doing...

When people let you down...

So...it seems that I have to get used to and face some facts about people...

they don't always call when they say they will
sometimes they don't text you back
they are often times late
sometimes they don't show up at all
they make promises they don't ever intend to keep
they say things just to make you feel better


So...these are the things I have been noticing a lot lately from people in my life. Now...it is not that I am trying to say I never do these things, but I have become a person that once I say something I try and do it. Mostly because I have been around people that do not do this and it really does hurt. For instance in the past 2 days I have had 2 different lunch plans that have fallen through. One person just lost track of time and the others did not get the text message I sent them until a day later. Is this really a big deal, well no, but what it boils down to is that it then leaves me waiting. I have figured out something major about myself during this time. I hate waiting. I absolutely can't stand it. It doesn't matter if it is 5 minutes or 25 minutes. Now there is a difference between waiting in line to check out and waiting on an appointment. The line I don't really mind as much. I think simply because there isn't really anything that can be done. But the waiting on someone...well it at times is the cause of most of my frustration.

I guess what really bothers me the most is that people especially here can be 15-20 minutes late and it is okay. It is a part of the culture. I understand this culture...laid back and just kind of whatever. But for me...I was taught to be on time and in most cases even get somewhere early. So I get places early and the other person gets places late. So that means that I am left waiting for a good 15-20 minutes everytime I am meeting someone. What am I supposed to learn through this? Don't get somewhere early? But I don't want to be that person that starts getting places late just because everyone else does. If I stay up too late and can't wake up the next morning it is my fault. That does not entitle me to then get somewhere late just because I didn't get much sleep.

All this to say I want to make it a part of me that I truly am a person of my word. If I say that I am going to be somewhere at a certain time...well I will be there. Because that is me!

Starbucks

There is something about sitting down at starbucks with a carmel macchiato and reading that brings me back to the beach and Bible study. I know it doesn't necessarily sound like something that should remind me of that. For almost a year I was getting up on Monday mornings and driving to starbucks to have Bible study with two other ladies at oh get this 6:00 in the morning. It was simply amazing. There were some days when I just wanted to sleep, especially since I usually spent Sunday nights hanging out with friends late since I didn't have to work the next morning. But those Mondays....they were discipline, they were growth, they were sharing hearts and souls. If I had only known then what the Lord was going to bring me through I think I would have treasured those days a little bit more. Not to say that I am not sooo happy with my life right now because I am, but just that I would have enjoyed it a little bit more.

Anyways...my point being today I spent an hour or so just sitting and journaling drinking my coffee. It is amazing how you can tune out the world and just spend time in worship even in the midst of such a busy place. I love that no matter where I go...starbucks is usually just around the corner. There is something that says home to me about that place. Although I do not have it that often but when I need it as comfort...it is there.

I wonder though, why does starbucks mean comfort? It really is just a coffee shop. There are tons of those around everywhere. But the truth is that I can settle down more at starbucks than anywhere else. Maybe because it is a big meeting place or it is familiar. Interesting to me how the familiar things are the ones that are easy. It is the unfamiliar or different that freaks me out. The things that do not go exactly as I planned. Or the things that i can't quite grasp. Those are the things that I get scared about But God is in control and just like when I step into the line and order a carmel macchiotto and blueberry muffin. The same thing happens when I just sit in the palm of His hands. He just holds me and takes control....it is comfortable and real.

My first real Thai dinner...

Tonight I went to the senior showcase at our school. I sat in front of a couple of teachers, as we were walking out they invited me to have dinner with them. We ended up going to an outdoor restaurant completely Thai. The buildings were thai the food was thai and I loved it. We got dishes and shared them. It truly was the most awesome night. We talked about school, about people, about the lack of compassion that seems to exist right now. We talked about the Lord and just different things that he has allowed us to believe and has guided us in. It was amazing to me that I was sitting with two people who desired to be with the Lord just as much as I did. Yet, our views of Him and what He expects from our life are totally different. I wish that I had taken pictures because this place truly was right out of a thai travel magazine. It was perfect with the sun setting looking out at the water. It truly just made me feel community again. I didn't realize how long it had been since I had true community and I didn't realize how much I desire and need my community to be older. I guess I have been surrounded by people that are younger than me. It has not been horrible but there is a certain maturity to someone my age or older that I have not found yet, until tonight. And so I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do. How He is going to shape and mold my life.

Prayer...I think it is the key to everlasting joy and peace.

I love...

I'm in a writing mood today


*walks on the beach
*snowball fights
*walking down the street and not being able to understand a word that is being spoken
*looking into someone's eyes and feeling for just one second like you are the only person that exists to them
*falling on my knees in worship
*green
*waking up to no alarm
*massages
*palm trees
*walking into my classroom and hearing- Miss Manum
*seeing a students smile after a long day
*making smores
*waterfalls
*pineapple
*spending a day just watching movies (haven't done this since college)
*that I can call people from my computer
*the sun
*hearing the waves crash along the shore
*walking in the woods or jungle and seeing God's amazing creation
*the sunset
*writing notes
*guitars
*music in general
*opening the door to find someone that I love on the other side
*the cool breeze blowing on my neck
*holding babies
*watching someone finish a race
*seeing a child tie their shoes for the first time all by themselves
*hearing prayers in Thai
*love spell from Victoria Secret
*the fact that everywhere is different
*watching a bird build a nest
*thunderstorms
*watching the clouds
*opening my door and smelling a clean apartment
*seeing someone finally understand LOVE
*truth
*compassion
*everything that brings joy to the child's heart
*simplicity

Reflections on a sensitive topic...

Today was the last day in a 3 block series on adolescent education for half of the girls in the 6th grade at my school. This was the first time I have ever had to talk to anyone about periods, puberty and well purity. I am not sure who was more nervous the girls or me? It occurred to me that I never had this sit down talk with my parents. I mean I knew that I wasn't allowed to "date" until I was 16, but did I truly ever really know what boundaries were or being pure? I am not sure. I mean I have kept that promise that I made at the True Love Waits conference back in 7th grade. I remember someone bringing that rose to my house and saying that the Lord was proud and that He was going to do amazing things because of this promise. But really when I think about it no one ever really sat me down and explained to me what the Bible or the world or anyone really had to say about the subject.

I think more than any other time this year, talking about this topic I really understood a little bit of what parents go through. For it is not comfortable at all to talk about but it is necessary. I realized that there is so much that kids need to learn and if we just let T.V and magazines do the teaching than chances are they are going to get the wrong message.

I also realized how the Lord designed us. For some reason growing up I had in my mind that it was wrong for me to want a relationship and a marriage. I am not sure where I got that idea from. Then I also got the idea that because I have only dated one person in my life there is something wrong with me. As I talked with the girls...they ofcourse asked about my first love. And I got to think back to those Jeremy days. How awkward that was, but part of growing up. If only I had known what I know now. I would have gotten over him long before I did. The thing is that we were designed to want companionship and that is just a part of growing up. But the Lord also tells us to flee from things that will cause immorality. That is a deep and complex issue to try and teach 6th graders. But I am thankful that I got the chance. For I think it helped me to see a little more into the design of who I am and the desires that I have to one day know what it is like to have a family and a home.

Waiting and Hoping...

So since no one ever really reads my blogs I feel like today I am just going to let out my heart. Maybe it is the wrong thing to do, but maybe it is just after all a place to just let something out. So....there is something going on with my heart right now that is confusing and amazing all at the same time. The thing is that with this whatever it is, there is so much uncertainty that it is bringing me back to another time in my life. Now it is not the same situation at all. For this time I am at a much better place but I also feel that I am getting the signals right this time. I guess what is really scaring me is that I thought that last time too. So here I am just waiting on the Lord. I have found myself wanting to walk down a certain path that would lead to interaction, but then I have to catch myself. For it is not me that needs to pursue the interaction. For if I do that then I feel that I will be at one of the same places I was before. As much as I have learned, I do not want to have to go through that pain again. It was too much to bear. It was too much to take. So what do I do? I keep praying. I keep laying it down at His feet and asking him to take it, asking Him to make it clear, and asking Him to remove it if it isn't from Him. I have been praying this for awhile now, and He hasn't taken it away. So....that leads me to believe that all this waiting is leading somewhere. But that is what I thought before also. So then I am right back to where I started. hmmm...does it seem that God has to teach me the same things over and over again. But He also says that He will give us the desires of our hearts. You know the funny thing is that I thought the last time that I knew what the desires of my heart were, but as it turns out I think that I was truly deceived. Because looking now at what is in front of me...I see something Amazing. Something that is far more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined for myself. So....I lay it over and pray. I pray that my heart will not be deceived and that I find my hope in the Lord. That I don't keep letting the lies that try to keep in get in control. I also pray that this is........it!

Just keep hoping and having faith

Once again I was at school late. This week has been a little discouraging at times and I have not had all the meetings that I had hoped for. So I just kept giving life and feelings over to God....and I feel like He has blessed me. Tonight was a chance for a conversation. It wasn't a big step but a teeny little one, but one I feel that was good and moving forward a little bit. I still feel like I need to wait on the Lord. No rushing around here for I do not really know what tomorrow brings, except that God has prepared that way for me already.

So I press on. I continue to walk everyday in the light of Him and just take those little blessings that He gives me. A smile here and a kind word there. That is all I need really for it is in those moments that I know and feel the love of my savior more than ever before! For He listens to my heart, he hears me and He is waiting to answer. All I have to do is let Him.

Don't take time

It occurred to me tonight as I sat listening to Ravi Zacharias that I do not often spend that much time listening to God. Yes God can speak through people and quite often He does, but He also just wants me to listen for His own voice. To just hear Him as I spend time in His word but also just listen to Him. There is a particular thing going on in my life right now that I really want clarity for. I do not feel that I am pushing God this time, when in times before I feel like I have pushed specifically in the direction that I wanted. In this particular situation I feel that I have been open to either the door being opened or closed, but I feel like it is just slowly creaking. The creak doesn't seem to be going one direction or the other just yet. So I can not be sure of what it truly taking place. As I sit and wait, I wonder what God has planned for my life. Tonight He totally blessed me with just allowing me to be in His presence. To just sit at His throne and hear Him. I didn't have to worry about everyone else, but He just opened my eyes to see Him. I want more of those times. I long to just be in His presence.

I am going to make more time for that. Even if it means less time for others. For now I want God to lead...I don't want a competition about who is most popular or has the most friends. I just want to be in the throne room of my Father. I just want to be near Him and know Him more.

I remember...the last 10 years!

So I decided to post some things that I remember about the last 10 years of my life....just to reflect. I can't belive that this year is 10 years since high school graduation...crazy!

I remember....

driving to college for the first time with my Mom and sisters in my RX7. My Mom cried a lot and I did too, but not until after they left.

meeting Summer, my first room mate...oh man I am sort of glad to forget

Saturday movie days

Quincy bowling and mall time

watching soccer games

watching baseball games

imagining the day I would get to turn the bell over and the realization that it was not going to happen

midnight breakfasts

staying up until 1:00 in the morning making posters and hanging them all over town for Matt's birthday...the same night I found out that my friend's Dad used to be related to my Dad...crazy!

going to India

summers at RH

letting the world influence me waaay too much

TPing....now that was fun!

working at wal-mart

all my cars that broke down

working at the drug and alcohol rehab center

working at the group home

student teaching while living at my grandparents house

stopping by my grandparents house going to/from college

picnics at Riverview Park

Bible studies in Memorial

TGI Fridays

losing in bowling and having to cook dinner

sonic

road trips to Colorado

watching fireworks under the St. Louis Arch

being in 3 weddings

realizing that my college friends are/were amazing

dorm days....staying up till 3 am and still being able to go to class at 8

knowing everyone on HLG's campus

boxer run

changing my major from psychology to education (thank you Lord!)

thinking that college was never going to be over with

going to Egypt

feeling at the lowest point of my life

seeing God's goodness and grace

when I thought I knew so much about the Lord

coming back from Egypt and feeling alone

moving to California

my first time at New Song

meeting people at thursday nights

fun adventures at Disneyland, rich people's houses, random drives down dark roads, and mostly just hanging out

the beach

so much more.....I love the Lord and what He has given me in this life...so much love and so much learning and so many people!

My heart

I started this year thinking that it was just a normal year. Trying to get over a relationship that didn't exactly turn out the way I thought it would. Praying for the Lord's healing and leading. Now I see something, something far more amazing than I ever thought possible. Hope! Hope of a change in my life. It is the beginning of hope and also the beginning of being scared. Scared of what may happen next. Scared of what this means...the changes that could or could not take place. We will see....my heart is guarded, until the day the Lord decides to open it.

People who claim one thing and do the other...

Here I am at a school that is great, working with administraters that are great. There is just one thing that is not so great. Feeling trapped in a competition. A competition for what students like what teacher the best. I don't want to be in this competition. In fact I want to run the other direction the farthest away from it that I can, but I don't know how. I shouldn't be feeling this, not here. Why is it that we (as christians) have to make everything a competition. That is not what Jesus did or who Jesus was. It doesn't matter who is the most popular. It is funny because we are trying to teach the 6th graders this concept, yet adults don't even know it either. So how am I supposed to teach 6th graders something that adults don't even understand? I guess just show grace and mercy and leave the rest up to God. That sure is hard sometimes though, when my flesh cries out that I want to do something.

People are also not living out what they say they believe. Culturally teachers are held to a higher standard around here, not like in the states. This higher standard should make us long to live out a better life as an example. Then why are a majority of teachers that I know stuck in a cycle of the world? It just does not make sense to me. There was a time when I longed for those quick-fixes, but if I am truly desiring the Lord then I am not going to want to satisfy that longing any other way. Yet I look people in the face every morning that are going to work to teach kids about Jesus and turning around to do the opposite of what they say....something to think about!

out of their comfort zone!

Yesterday I got to witness 6th graders serving. They were teaching, painting, cleaning and playing. I really was able to see their hearts yesterday as they stepped out of their comfort zones and went to a place where kids didn't know life the way they did. It was great to go to the Thai school and see first hand what these kids experienced on a daily basis. There are not air conditioners. There are hardly any books or any playground equipment. I think that I saw one or two computers while I was there. It is interesting to think about how many schools even in America have all the latest technology and here is a school where they are getting by with the basics. My kids did a great job teaching the KGers and 1st graders. They were troopers. When we found out that the second grade classes that we were supposed to teach had gone home, well they just went along with teaching the first graders again. I really feel blessed by these students. It also opened my eyes to how many people there still are that need to hear Jesus' name. We think that the job is almost done, yet there are so many kids that have yet to hear of the one that saves. They are still living in the darkness. How to make them see the light????

Love them and live for Him!

a very cultural experience

Today we took the 6th graders to the famous Crocodile Farm. It was very interesting and very cultural. I had a lot of fun and thank goodness my group stayed together today. They were really trying to let me know where they were going. I just have some girls who like to rebel against authority so you can imagine what that was like trying to get them to stay in a group. Anyways we went to eat lunch and that is where the cultural experience begins. So first of all there is just one lady trying to cook for all these people. Which I mean she gets it done but it takes forever. We were the second group to order our food and the last group to get it. You see it is not like you sit down and then order. Nope, you go up and order. So my Korean kids, who can speak Thai ordered food. Well then some Thai kids went up and ordered food. Who do you think got there food first???? The Thai kids ofcourse. We had two of OUR own groups get in front of us in ordering. This is not because they were trying to be rude. In fact. I think if they had realized it was happening then they probably would have let my kids get their food first. So crazy!!!!

It reminded me a lot of sacrifice. I was ready to just move on to another place. I was tired of waiting. But then I thought...so many times Jesus or His disciples had to put others first. There was this man sitting at the back of the restaurant, but I wouldn't really call it that. He waited patiently for our whole group to finish at least 35 kids and then he went and ordered. He had patience. He wasn't upset or mad. I sort of thought about my Grandpa and he was a great man, but hated waiting for anything. He would have never sat around that long just letting all these kids go before him. Interesting??? I was ready to just give up and if I had, then what? I might have left hungry, and I might have just had to go and wait someplace else.

I am waiting right now for the Lord's answer on something. It seems to me that I have been waiting for a few years now and every time I think that I am close to understanding, well the door gets closed yet again. But waiting, it is having patience and that is what our Lord is all about. So I will wait, even if it means letting every person in this country go in front of me to order food. I will wait because if I am not waiting on the Lord, then I am trying to do it on my own and that is just not okay!

If only he had known...

Yesterday a young man from my church passed away. His family is of a different religion and I am not really sure where his heart was. From his actions I do not think that he believed in Jesus. It makes my heart hurt to think just what that means. I know there are so many people out there who do not believe as I do and are okay with just living life and not believing in anything. I am not judging them at all, but I am urging everyone. You don't know what tomorrow might bring. Search today, seek until the truth is evident to you. I don't think that I would have imagined this young man not here today at church, with that blank stare on his face. But as my eyes scanned the room, I fell to the seat where he sat the week before. So much hurt and pain in that young man's eyes. Yet, so much hardness and stubborness there too. As I write this I am listening to a sermon about Holiness. To be Holy, it is to stay away from sin. To live a life that is completely out of sin. Now how is that possible? It is not possible on my own, but in Jesus I can. Yes everyday I make mistakes and even right now I am in a struggle that I can't seem to get out of, but it has to be in everything. Not just in front of others. Not just for a show, but in everything. If I am not willing to give it all up for him, to look "crazy" to the world for believing in Jesus, then I am not willing to sacrifice for Him. If I am not willing to sacrifice then I should not be able to be called a disciple of Jesus.

There are many people right now that I know who are claiming the Christian lifestyle but are not walking in the life that Jesus would be. They are dipping into the world, and because of this the whole body of Christ is suffering. If we are not living the life of Christ then we are not truly living, we are not being of one mind and one body. We are just giving in to sin, being of the world. Hardening our hearts and allowing the thoughts of our minds and hearts to be taken over by one that is not God.


So I guess I just want to up my standards. I must first make sure my life is Holy, right with the Lord that I am not sinning. Then I think that it is time for me to help others. The body of Christ. If I can't do that then what am I doing serving???? And for those that are not believing in him....I have to show them who He is. It is up to them after that....but I pray the truth is realized before it is too late. You never know what tomorrow might bring!

Long time...

It has been such a long time since I have written anything in my blog. Sometimes I can't find the time to write and to think. It makes me a little sad, but I know that is a part of life sometimes. February is a tough month for me. One year ago, my life was falling apart. I lost a friendship that I thought would never end. My Grandpa died and really I was just at a low point. But then I also got a job offer to move to Thailand. Now, here I am in Thailand. I am living a life that people only dream about but there is something missing from my life. I still long for that friendship that sticks closer than a brother. The one that never ends, never fails. Why is it that the harder I try to just be okay without the more I want it.

Next week we go on a field trip. I am excited for a chance to see some of the things in this city that I have heard so much about. The more I experience though the sadder I get. Why is it that the truth can't just be accepted? Why is it that the harder I try to explain what I believe the more I doubt of the impact that it is making.

Maybe I will stop writing because I just feel that this is going to be one depressing blog....man!