A New Year

As I was chatting with a friend the other day I was thinking about my life and how much of it revolves around school years. Because my occupation as a teacher requires me to take a summer holiday for months at a time and then start over with a new set of students, well I see my life in school years. When I ponder over the past 11 years, I am simply amazed by what has happened and changed. I realized also just the other day that I have moved every year for the past 11 years. Sometimes jobs and homes, but at least just homes for the past 11 years. No wonder I do not feel planted anywhere. At first after high school graduation my moves just consisted of dorm rooms and going to home/Rawhide for the summers. Then after college well my first move was back home then to Egypt and I have pretty much continued moving ever since. From a house in Oside back to the ranch, then to an apartment, then to the CB in Bangkok, then to a house, then another apartment and tomorrow marks yet another move.

Whew! That sure is a lot of moving. No wonder I feel like there is nothing permanent in my life. I mean this is the first "grown-up" job that I have had that has lasted for longer than a year, and more than that I am going to be starting my third year here. Maybe it is time to settle down, but maybe it is not. Whatever it is though I want to be able to set some goals for this coming up school year.

I think the Lord has taught me a lot about trust this year. Trusting when I don't quite understand what the future holds. Trusting when people let me down. Trusting when I am the center of idle gossip and the target of jokes or insincere words by others. Trusting when I feel pulled in a direction that I am just not ready to go to quite yet. Trusting when it hurts so much to trust. Trusting when He is calling me to just let go. Trusting that God is good and He has good purposes for my life. Trusting that He has forgiven me and that He lifts me up! You see trust, well it is tough for me, who has had tons of people in and out of my life. Also, when I feel like in many instances my lack of trust has pushed people away. I don't want to be that person that doesn't let people in. I know that my heart has been hardened in some areas because I have mistrusted or trusted to much and then once I am hurt that place just gets hard as I try not to get hurt again. But I have learned this year, that people aren't perfect, but God is.

I don't have to trust people in my own flesh and weakness. I have to trust people in Jesus' love and righteousness. For I know that I am always going to get hurt by others, I will probably also do my share of hurting. But what I do know is that God is the ultimate healer and so I can trust because He is the one I am trusting. I put my faith and hope in Jesus and then everything else falls into place.

So as this new year approaches I want to really spend this summer at the cross, looking at what Jesus did and how I can change in order to be more like Him. I want next year to start out with some goals and as summer progresses I hope that I can blog more about what He is teaching me and what He is bringing me through! What a Blessing to know the Only One we can completely place all our trust in!

Empty and Full at the same time...

As I sit here pondering what this destruction of life in Thailand as I know it means, I think that what I can't know, or understand is the depth of what has happened. For although yes many buildings have been destroyed and things have been taken, the reality of it is that people did this. People, made in the image of a perfect and loving creator have destroyed things, because their desires and their lives have allowed them to not think past themselves. Now as I look through the aftermath of pictures and check on facebook and sift through what is real or not, I have to wonder where is Thailand going? For I want, hope and pray that this creates in God's people here in this country a need, a desire and more than that a movement towards Him. A movement to bow before Him and proclaim Him as Lord of all. My heart sinks at the utter despair that I see as I walk out on the streets. I have not left our little "safe haven" area but the Thai people that I have run into I can just see it in their looks in their eyes and more than that in the way that there seems to just be this underlying silence.

There are no words to describe the pain that the past two months has brought. There are no words to describe the hurt and fear that has been trapped inside of every single person, child and leader in this country. For it is not just about the buildings, or the fires but it is about the people. The utter hatred that they feel to be able to sit for weeks or the utter hatred for those that have been standing on top of buildings and shooting those below. Which side is right? Probably no side is completely right...for perfection is not something that we can obtain on Earth.

As I ponder and pray I reminded that this is what imperfect people with our imperfect desires bring to the table everyday. We choose ourselves over those around us. We give in to our thoughts, wants and needs instead of looking across at who is standing before us and the hurt that is deep inside of them. I am thankful for this time, I am thankful for what God is doing, even if I am unsure of the results.

Even now I find myself asking...is it really over? The peace that seems to have taken hold of the streets is this really it? Can we really relax now?

Then I remember...I have to relax and rest because God is the one in control. He is the one that I rely on, my strength when I am weak. He is perfection, love and the Victory. What I need to do, is hope in Him and pray. Pray for revival....pray for these people and love them.

Please come back!

There is too much pain and suffering...

Just got an email that a 8 month old baby only has weeks to live....

Saw another friend's post and her 7 month old baby died last week sometime....

My friend just found out she has cancer....

People are shooting each other in the streets....

More people are setting off bombs and barracades and causing chaos...

Little children are being asked to do things that they should never have to do or see...

Women don't know their worth and so they give up and sell their bodies for money and food...

People are on a daily basis getting divorced...

Lies are being spread and rumors are causing people to hate God and the church...

Forgiveness is not a word that anyone knows how to say...

What is unity anyway???



Please come back Jesus....we need you....we need YOUR VICTORY! This world is not what it was created to be.....sin has come in and stolen the perfection of God's Creation...

Pray for His Coming....Pray for His Return...Pray for Repentance....Pray for the Prince of Peace!

BREAKTHROUGH>>>

I had a breakthrough this week, or actually God had a breakthrough in my life. I don't even know how I got caught in this pattern that I was in of not even realizing that the things I had thought I had given up were the things that I was holding on to so much. He kept saying...let go and I kept saying...but wait. Well it was time...as I laid in my bed on Friday...totally sick and weak and powerless to do anything else. I read....why did it take me getting super sick to just really listen to what He was trying to lead me to? Why is it that I had to just be at the weakest state that I have been in for awhile to really hear and rest?

That is human nature....we long to go, go go...until alas we can't go any further. I was driving towards this goal that I thought was mine, I thought that it was what God wanted, but in reality it was what I wanted. So...as that wall came down as I turned around I heard something and got information that I thought would make me crumble, but instead made me rejoice. For I realized that what I had been holding on to...wasn't really what I wanted after all. For what I want is the Lord's will and that just isn't it.

I know I am being vague and I feel that I have to be for this blog because the details don't need to be shared with the world, instead what needs to be shared is what God has done. He has broken through the unrest I was feeling, through the power that had a hold on me that I didn't even know had a hold. He broke through my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of rejection and my feelings of being unwanted and not needed. He has tore down every single doubt and fear that I have had about those around me, about how they feel about me and how I feel about them. He has shown me that His will for my life...well it really is simple. To just be focused on Him. To really get to know Him and to live for Him. My life should be a sacrifice for His will, for what He wants. Up until this point my words have been a sacrifice, but my actions they have been more of what I want and what my needs are and how those needs can be met.

This week I read about the crucifixtion. I read about Christ sacrificing His life and how he suffered. But he suffered not just for our sin...but for our pain...for our path to perfection...for every hurt, ever affliction...every thought and feeling I have that goes against God's will. He died for those.....and this it struck me to the core. He died for my feelings of rejection, he suffered for my pain and He knows what it feels like to realize that you aren't "good enough."

This.......it is new me. I am at peace with who I am in Christ. I am imperfect....sinful......unrighteous......but by God's redeeming love I am saved. There is nothing special about me except that I believe in Jesus and He has given me eternal life. My life is for His glory, not for anything that I can do or boast about, but for Him. I can't even describe the joy that I know and feel right now because of what God has done in my life. There is nothing that can separate me from His love. You might say that it has taken me 20 something years to be fully released from the lies and selfish desires that have so long entangled me. I know that I was saved when I was 6, but I know that I am on a daily basis being perfected in that saving knowledge and love.

I want to continue in this process...longing to know more about Him and what He has for my life and what He wants to do in me. As I journey...want to journey alongside me.....for in Christ we are united and His mission is clear....ONE THING ONLY------To KNOW HIM AND MAKE HIM KNOWN!