My stomach is in knots...

As I sit here reading my BSF study for today, my stomach is all twisted up in about a million different knots. I am not really sure the cause of it exactly, although there have been some pretty strange thoughts and dreams going on the past few days. It seems that the Lord is trying to draw me closer to himself. I love that but at the same time it is hard for me to just let Him in. To just rest in His presence and get a sense of what He is trying to tell me. Tonight I am reading about His return. Whew...it is amazing to think about. I really like 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18....especially the part about getting to be "always with the Lord." I can't wait for that day, when relationships will be perfect and I will get to be with all the people I love.

Except I can't help but cry out to God because not everyone that I love will be there. Not everyone that I love is experiencing a life with Christ and for Him. Some are caught up in sin and living for the flesh. It breaks my heart to think that we will not spend eternity together. I long for the day when I get to shed only tears of Joy for my King! There will not be weeping, hurt or pain. He will "come to take us for himself" (John 14:3). This means I have to keep looking up...I have to keep focusing on what lies ahead. Not on myself not worrying about myself and what I need, but on Him.

The past few days have been tough because I am praying about something that seems to be on my mind a lot lately and has been on and off for the past few years. I wish that it would just go away and as much as I have prayed, I am not sure the Lord has specifically told me to give it up. So, I wait. I wait for His work. Sometimes while I wait I try to make it go faster, this waiting and then I make mistakes, or the Lord has to correct me. This time though I really want to just wait on God. He knows my heart, my dreams because He put them there. He knows the plans He has for me and so I continue to just lean on Him and rest in Him and continue to give my life over to Him. Praying for the opportunities that I hope will come.

In four months from today I will have said good-bye to two of my closest friends during my time here. They are each going away to live life, one to get married and the other probably to graduate school. I sort of feel like I am being left behind. I know that I have more friends, but they have been the kind of friends that just clicked. We met in the commercial building on the fourth floor and lived life together. I will miss them so much and even now I have tears in my eyes thinking about saying good-bye. They have taught me a lot about friendship, truth and loyalty. I am thankful that the Lord crossed our paths and I have hope in meeting them again one day. It seems that my life is full of good-byes. This might be the first time in awhile that I am not the one moving away. We never know who we are going to meet or what they are going to mean to us, do we? I have met some people that I thought I didn't care to lose and others that if our lives ever really couldn't have some contact I think I might lose a part of myself. So I think about this and my friends. We may never be in the same place on earth again...probably not even in the same country. But we have taken from each other and given love, laughter and friendship.

I have a few other friends getting to start living out dreams this month. They have been praying and hoping for such a long time and now it is really happening. I am so happy for them, but a little sad also because I am not directly involved. I don't really get to hear about the ups and downs or even about how things have come to happen along the way. I pray that it will be a great experience and that somehow and sometime I can really have a chance to hear about it. For now though the Lord has told me that I must sit on the sidelines and wait. There's that word again...wait. I don't like it one bit, but it is teaching me, probably lessons that I don't even realize I am learning.

As I read back through this blog, it seems to be nothing too special. But also there is something in this. I want and long for my life to be so filled with Christ that no matter what I write or who reads it, it is Christ and not me. I am not sure this always happens, but at least I can press forward hoping for Christ's will in me.