The weeks pass by so quickly...

The first week back from break is done, it is over. I spent the whole week wanting it to be over and now it is, and what do I want? Well I sort of want it back. Every day that goes by is a day that gets closer to the expectation of tomorrow. Why is it that I hope for tomorrow to come so quickly? Why is it that I count down the days until the next big activity, or trip and then look back and wonder why I was so anxious in the first place. For when I get to that place, well I just go through it and never really stop to examine what it meant to me and how it impacted my life. So what activities am I looking forward to today? Well, next week I am going to be one of the chaperones on the Middle School Retreat. Something that I am not really looking forward to in that vacation sort of way. I know that it will be a draining time and one that I am not really that prepared for, but I know that it will also be a stretching time. For spending a weekend with middle schoolers is definitly out of my comfort zone. Being stretched and growing is one of the most important parts of my life. Reflecting on change and people is another part. I have learned a lot in these past few years about trust and people. I guess I have always been one to push people away because it is easier to me. It is easier for me when things get rough to just give up. I have this jealousy that has been the driving force behind a lot of my close friendships. I don't want anyone else to be closer to a friend then me. I didn't really realize that I had that until I was talking with a friend the other day and then also reading a little bit of her blog. You see we have similar backgrounds and because of those backgrounds we have similar ways to deal with people.

As I am reading her blog I am realizing that I have that jealousy built up inside of me. I want to be the only close friend and if there is something to mess with that then I freak out. Such as that person not calling me back right away, or them spending time with other people. I am always comparing myself to others and in a way making myself feel lower than I really should be feeling. For maybe this goes back to not being confident in who I am or was in Christ. Yes, God may look at the inward appearance, but I have never really felt that my inner or outer appearance were too great.

I feel like I might just be rambling right now with no real direction, so I am going to stop and get my thoughts together and then blog another day. Until then...I will think some more.