At a road...

And crossing it!

Finally I am at the point where I realize just what God has been trying to tell me, probably for the past 5 years. Ever since I was in Egypt, and was just so down about the circumstances I had found myself in. For life was not perfect as I had always envisioned it to be in a life given to being overseas. For I guess what I had been doing for years was trust Him as long as it was easy and as long as it was about something that I had already been promised. In a way my faith has sort of been a faith based on feelings. So when I am feeling great and feeling like God is near, well then I have perfect faith, but then comes those times when I just don't know. I either don't feel Him or I am completely surrounded by life and circumstances that I can't see past my own inabilities and failures to see the hope that God has come to give me in His Son. I have been reading this book called "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. At first I sort of just read it because I bought it for 50 baht ($1.00) a couple months ago at a Loy Kratong Celebration. I have nothing against Mr. Lucado but I have just never really thought there was too much depth to his writing. As I read though, I realized it wasn't the depth that God was trying to show me, but the simplicity instead. The simplicity that brings me to really trust in Him. To let go of this baggage that I have been holding on to and to just trust.

My main piece of baggage that I have been lugging around with me is this idea of singleness. The past few years have brought me to a place in my life where I never thought I would be. I was the type of girl in college that was never really focused on getting a husband. I was content with the 10 years idea and completely okay with waiting for 10 years before getting married and starting a family. So where did that contentment go? Not sure when I developed the idea that if I wasn't married then I would be letting everyone down, including God, but somewhere along the way that is what happened. Whether it is because of the world we live in, or having a Grandma that got married when she was 17 and considered anyone who was not married over the age of 21 an old maid. I don't know but I do know that somewhere along the way I got the idea that I had to get married in order to really be worth something to God and the furthering of His Kingdom. So that has been my baggage. I am not saying that it has held me back from anything, because honestly I think that I have not let go or given up anything that God has called me to do because I was waiting for a husband to lead me in the area of ministry. I do think though that this baggage has led me to be distracted. It has caused me to look at everything that I don't have, instead of being thankful and content with what I do have. It is that extra thing I have been lugging around no matter where I went to Egypt, California, Missouri, or Thailand.

As I glance at my life, I realize that God has saved me from a lot by keeping me single and He has given me a lot by keeping me single. I have been able to have friendships that I would have never had if I had married young. I have stayed pure, and also grown in my relationship with Him. I am able to go and do whatever I want to do pretty much whenever I want to do it. I am able to sleep in when I want and stay out as late as I want. I am able to fix dinner if I want to or go out. I am able to serve Him in capacities that might not be available if I was married. I was able to go on various mission trips and work at a summer camp. I am able to only worry about myself. You see I have a close friend that got married right after college and now about 5 years later she is going through a divorce. It is something I would have never dreamed she would be going through, but she is. I don't know what to tell her, or how it feels. I mean I have had people hurt me, I have lost friends that I thought would lead somewhere else, but I have never lost a husband. I am thankful for that to be saved from divorce.

So as I ponder these thoughts of how do I be content and what does that look like? I think one fear that I have is that if I claim to have contentment with being single then that is going to mean that I will always be single. I still have a desire to be married one day, but I think that trust means to trust God that if that never happens, I will be okay. No matter how many people tell me or make comments about praying for me to find a husband. I think instead of you praying for that, I would rather you pray for me to make a difference. For me to never take my gaze off of the Father. That would be my desire for your prayers. Because I know that if I never take my gaze off of the Lord, then He will lead me. If that is as a wife and mother then I will be joyful, but if that is as a single woman devoted to the Lord then I will be joyful in that too. I do think though that part of trusting God right now for me is giving up the idea of marriage completely. I have found that the hardest part is the is it or isn't it question. Kind of like when you are in a dating relationship or almost dating relationship and you are wondering if the other person feels the same way as you. I can't continue to be caught in the is it or isn't it web. Because that causes an anxiety of the unknown. I must just give it up and say, you know what Lord, my life is yours, I will continue to follow and trust in you no matter what happens. So for now I am going to lead my life, like I will be single forever. This is not my wish or desire, but Lord for the sake of being your servant and totally devoted to you this is what I must do.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and in it we talked about just wanting to have that peace of what we will be doing and where we will be for the rest of our lives. Just having that peace that what I am doing really is the will of God. Sometimes I am not sure that I really hear God correctly. I have been wrong on quite a few occassions. I always try to step back and understand where I went wrong, but the truth is that I don't know if I really understand. There have been quite a few times when I have been praying for something for so long, I have not been selfishly trying to make something happen, but I have been truly just giving it to God. Then whatever I have been praying about gets completely thrown back in my face. It makes me question God. It makes me wonder if what I am doing, is really what He called me to, or if I just wanted it to be so much that I put those thoughts in my own head? How do I hear God? How do I really listen to His voice? I am not sure that this 28 year old really knows. I have been following God now for 22 years and I meet people every day that I feel have a greater concept of God and they have known him for 2 or 3 years.

I guess it goes back to trust. Trust that God called me and because of that call He is going to be with me. No matter what I do to mess up and no matter how many times He has to teach me the same lessons over and over again. He is going to be there, He is going to be watching over me and pursuing me, because I am His. Does my life always relfect Him? No! I know it doesn't. I know that there are relationships that I have messed up, times I have lied, times I have broken people's hearts, I know that I am prideful, that I am selfish. But I also know that He came to save people just like me. He didn't come for the righteous, but for the sinners.

So 2010 here you are! Here I am...a 28 year old woman on a journey of a lifetime. I get to follow the Savior; I get to learn about Him more and more every day. I get to taste His goodness and mercy every day of my life. I get to bask in His love, I get to experience His presence and I get to rest in His peace. All this because He gave His son for me. I am not worthy there is nothing that I did to deserve it, but I get it! A free gift! So as I think about this free gift, during this next year, I want to focus on being content, being grateful. Trusting that God is in control and as I allow Him to have my life- handing over that baggage it makes my life- His! My life is a reflection of Him, for I was made in His image. If I am not living life so it is a reflection of Him, then my purpose of being here is nothing. So I am going to get lost this year lost in loving Him, in serving Him and sharing Him. If that causes me to lost people or relationships that don't agree with being lost for the sake of Christ, then I guess that is what it is going to take. I want to be lost in Him, so lost that the world doesn't matter. Not the people, just the "world." Whew...it is bound to be quite a year!